with only one exception....

"Those who see the heart in me, are those I allow to get close; with only one exception...."


Josh, Aleatha, Zeb. Josh made me feel safe, but only in a sertian respect. Aleatha and Zeb I have always run to when I am scared. There is one that I have been closer to, then any of them. She is the exception to my rule. Her heart drew me in and caged me there. I was lost in her before I knew what hit me.

The rule:
".....Their heart is constant. The change is what most people see. The heart is what people see when they become intimately deeply close. Those who see the heart in me, are those I allow to get close.

one exception....

Even now she still thinks of me as a different person. She has never been willing to see me, for me. The things others say seem to have more impact on her then my actions. Yet I still allowed her to get close. I let her see things in me; things I have never allowed anyone else to see. I let her get under my skin. I allowed her in to one of the most vital parts of me. I put her in a postition to hurt me, in a way no one else could. She did. I let it happen.

There is a reason I do things the way I do.

I let those people close because when they hurt me, it hurts less knowing why they did/do it. It still hurts, but it is much easier to get over and much easier to heal from.



Anjuli.


I was walking to sword. All week I had heard about a 'female me' who had just joined class. JB was there telling me about her while we walked.

When we got to class, almost late, I walked up and took my place in circle. I can still remember it. It plays in my head clearly. As I walked up to the circle I caught sight of her. In that moment I knew she had to be the one they were talking about. I was full of hope as JBs hand rose to point out who they had been talking about. And then...... She pointed to.....






somone else.

It didn't matter. The rest of the day I was 'off my game'. I couldn't focus, I was distracted. I couldn't take my eyes of Anjuli any chance I had to see her. I don't know how many matches I lost that day, but I remember seeing her.

Anjuli has the warmest and most loving heart, of anyone I have ever met. I have gone in to detail about other people in my life. I have been doing this to remind me, of why I live. I have thought about this person before. I do not desire to relive the pain, of remembering why I like her, just to remember that I'll never have her in my life again. Maybe another day. For now I will move on with the rest of the people I plan to put down.