Lving Single

140 Posts, Living Single.

2007-03-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

I have started a new chapter in my life.

With it I close this book,
as I have done before.

Now I open a New Journal.

Fall out part 3

2007-03-05T12:54:00.000-07:00

He looked at the woman again, and he realised who she was. He knew her name was Darcy, and that she worked over in accounting. He wondered if she had fled here after the first hit.

The first sign of war was in accounting. It had started slow, so no one noticed until it was too late. Later when things had calmed down, they figured out what happened. Someone had been changing numbers. At first it was small things. On one page a 5 became a 3. On another a 4 became a 14. Then more and more, untill the whole system was infected. Some of the work that was being changed, was also being coppied in to the computers. Once the first computer read enough of the faulty numbers it went beserk, and then it spread to all the systems. Some thought there had to be a mole. Someone working from the inside. Giant streams of ink and huge piles of torn paper littered accounting for weeks as they evacuated.

The workers were demoralised. They had to shovel mass resignations, burn infected piles of paper, and the ink, that was the worst. Anyone who has ever had to scrub ink off a cubical would know that. Dripping from chairs, covering keyboards. Just looking at the state of things and someone could tell that it must have been horiffic. If one were to try and imagine it they could almost visualise the scene in their head. One persons computer would go, papers would start jaming; pencils breaking. Coppiers and printers would start malfunctioning and then the ink would come. Spirting out like blood. Spurting from coppiers, pc printers, hand held priniting calculators, any thing and everthing with ink, just boiled over. The image would be burned in to the minds of those who saw it for the rest of their lives.

Then it spread. First to payroll, then HR. It spread every where, and didn't slow down. Finaly it hit Shipping, then Receving. Once it hit Public Relations it was all over. At least the first attack. Nothing after the first assault could really be called an attack. It was more like fallout from the first attack. The losses in every department slowly built up. With each loss, they would get further behind. Late paychecks, dammaged deliverys, the devistation was insurmountable. Now there were few left. Those who stayed were mostly just too subborn to quit. "Die hards". There were also the destitute. Those with no place else to go, trudging along to the slow pace of manual type writers and hand held staplers, but it was better then nothing.

That ray of hope promised by the Man No Longer Under the Desk was like a shining light in a pitch black world. Soon they would find reprieve.....

Some times you feel like a....nut?

2007-03-05T10:43:00.000-07:00

"Some times you feel like an ass, some times you don't."

Every now and then I get caught up in my own self doubt in reguards to the "advice" I despence. I am, by far, not the smartest or most sucessfull person I know. Yet I still try to speak my mind when I can. Sometimes I feel like an intrucive ass after the fact... But what more can I do then try.

I got a text message last week. It said,

" Dear sir,

Your account ballance is low, and in danger of defaulting to Virgin status. Please refuck as soon as possible to avoid unsatasfied partner charges.

Thank you,

Your friends at
Department 69."

In truth I got this message a mear day after refreshing my account, "whew cut that one close" Over the weekend I decided I should add some additional refuck to my account, and depleeted more then half of my condom stash. You might say I am extreemly more relaxed then I have been in a while. I am also a bit sore. It's been a while since I used some of those mucles, or stretched in quite that way....

"God am I a slut?"

"No billy. I think it's time we had a chatt about the birds and the bees. You have a particular skill. A satisfied partner, makes other potiental partners envious. With you it's just that.... Well trying to sleep with you is like cutting soft warm butter, with a hot eletric knife. It's rather easy."

Well no unsatisfied partner charges here.

Fall out Part 2

2007-03-02T12:16:00.000-07:00

".....There is. But we have to use it at the right time or it will be for naught."

The next morning woke to the silence. The calm after the storm. The Man Under The Desk stood up. The New Comer was lying there, asleep, with trails of salt from his tears, stuck to his face. The Unknown Voice had fallen asleep where she lay, and looked cold. The Man No Longer Under The Desk took off his suit jacket and layed it over the woman. Looking around at the office he knew things were bleek.

Space

2007-03-01T10:39:00.000-07:00

A pin prick of light. Imagine. Nothing around it. Just a small pin prick of light. It gets closer. As it closes the distance, it gets bigger. Now it looks big enough that you could hold it in your hand. A small disk. Closer. You can make out vague details, A blur here or there. It seems so close, but when you reach your hand out to touch it, the distance is insurmounably impressed apon you. Slowly it becomes huge. The image before you is hardly a few feet in it's diameter, but it looks so much bigger then that. Closer. You see clouds, Water, and land. Closer. Your view is suddenly full and you can see nothing else; the vast blackness is gone. As you draw near the surface; you are struck with awe at how enourmous it is. Closer. Now you see houses, as if small miniture legos. It gets closer. Now you are standing at the base of one of those legos. The structure in front of you fills your view. You look up and the sky seems so far away. The smallness of yourself consumes you.

Fall out....

2007-03-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

Chapter one.
"To order Pizza, or not to order Pizza, that is the temptation."

He sat, breathing heavy. The desk He was crouched under was dusty, and torn. Someone, he didn't know who; anymore, spoke to him.
"That was our last one." The unknown voice said, crouched and peering around a cubical wall. He knew that ment they only had one coppier remaining. They had to do something. They couldn't take much more of this attack. All the maintinance personell had been dead for a long time. Without them things had fallen apart quickly. The equipment was always breaking down and with out somone to fix it, things fell apart quickly. Their paper supplys were running low and were short on ink. The faxers had been the first to go, and then the printers. They had lots of printer ink. They sometimes dreamed of ways of making it work with the coppiers. Then there would be some kind of reprieve from this maddness. A tall man, in a suit too small for his size, dived in to the cubical, as a loud explosion was heard. His suit was raggy, dirty and tattered. His face looked like a man on the brink of falling apart.
"They're all gone."
He said, and then he looked like He was going to cry. The man under the desk qickly reached out and smacked the new commer across the face
"pull yourslef together man!" He said, "We can't loose it now, there's still a chance!".
The new commer looked dumbfounded as he said
"but all the printers are down, the faxes have been out for weeks, we lost our last electric hole punch today, and that explosion you heard was our last electric stapler; what else is left?!" He demanded.
"I thought we already lost the staplers?" The man under the desk asked; curiously.
"We were trying to fix it. Then Bill put too many papers in at once. He was working too fast and got sloppy. Because of it we lost a ream of paper and some pen ink too. Bills gone, he couldn't take anymore. He just....just....." His voice trailed off, as it broke, and the new commer started to sobb. The unknown voice behind the desk finished his sentance for him. "He just.... walked out. I thought you said there was still something left?"
The man under the desk took some time to let it all sink in before answering
"....

Mountian air.

2007-03-01T08:50:00.000-07:00

This morning reminds of deep winter.
Riding through mountianous steep roads.
Snow iced to everything;
as I carve paths to my destination.
The chill air bites at my face;
stings my nose;
crisps my lungs;
The steam rises off my breath,
and disapates in the cold.
The chill exertion
and sharp inhale
of falling down hill.
My ride brings me home,
safe, cold, and happy.

My solitude.

2007-03-01T08:38:00.000-07:00

There are days when I want to live alone.
Soft music plays in my clean, sterile bachelor pad.
A sparse, clean, empty feeling in every room;
echos the calm peace of my serinity.
My clean car resonates of singledom.
The dried flowers hanging from the window,
remind of breif encounters;
bodys passing in the night.
A dinner here,
a late movie there.
Calm, empty, peace.
Simplicity

It is too lonly here.
It is too messy there.
I do not want to be anywhere.

The art of the Mind blends with the body.

2007-02-28T08:57:00.000-07:00

I see a shimmering light, but then again I don't. Thick jungley forest is all around me. I walk down a dirt path. Some times I find a bridge here. Other times there is no bridge. The bridge is always the same. It is a rope bridge. The planks that make the footings are of wether worn oak. Oak they may be, but their energy is that of bamboo. It always crosses over water. How deep the river is is different, depending. Sometimes it is a mear stream. Other times it is a deep canyon. When the depth is great, the view is expancive. When the depth is great, there is a forest and mountians off in the distance. The walls of the canyon can bee seen droping off turning in to cliffs; not too far away but not too close, comfortable. When the depth is light all is jungle. When there is no bridge the path simply leads along without ituruption. As I make my way a structure comes to view. Some times of stone, other times of wood. When of stone it is like asian stone shrines. Smooth stone pillars and a domed top. When of wood it is like a small hut, with no walls but poles in the corners to support the roof. It always has stairs. 1,2,3 sometimes 4 or 5. In the center is a chest. I draws me to it. Allways seeking it. I open the box. Light is shining everywhere. In the midts of the blinding light is a thick old key. A long shaft and a simple design on the end. The but of the key becomes covered by my hand and often is invisable. As I look at the key, everything around turns to white, dimly though. I feel that I am safe, and warm. I am inside somewhere, but still outside. I am in a room that has no walls no celing or floor. I am standing but do not bother to look at what I am standing on. My focus is on the key. It all fades out. Sometimes I find myself asleep afterward. Sometimes I find myself sitting in nature somewhere. I feel relaxed. Refreshed. Alive. Good. I strech and begin.

Amy

2007-02-27T14:32:00.000-07:00

I met amy in highschool. I can't remember exactly when or where, but my guess is outside the Drama room. She and I have been fairly close. At one point, years ago, we were very close friends. I can't count the number of times I sat in her 'lurkem' crying over this or that. She has been there for me when I needed her, and I have tryed to do the same for her. I know I haven't helped her near as much as she has me. I remember lots of good ol times with her and our other friends.

One year for my 17th birthday she threw me a party. I was with my first girl friend at the time. I was under the wrong impression and thought it had been my gf who threw the party. I had a pretty big apology to make when I was informed it was her. She like part of my family. The part of the family I don't see too often.

More recently we havn't been on the best of terms. I know we don't see eye to eye on many things anymore. WE have both changed. But I will always remember how good she has been to me, and how much I value her friendship.

Sweet Amy.

Yah me!

2007-02-27T08:54:00.000-07:00

*opens door* "IT'S SNOWING!" *slams door*

I love the snow. It has even been nice to us. It snows, waits until almost all the snow melts, and then snows again. Spring one day and winter the next! Two of my Three favorite seasons in the same week.

I had a great night last night... minus the headake. :P Today I am happy and full of groggy energy... This means by end of shift all I'll want to do is sleep. :P

Can I...

2007-02-26T14:00:00.000-07:00

"Can I borrow your bathroom?"

Just once I want to say: "Where do you pland to take it, and when can I expect it back?"

Birthdays, christmas... I'm not sure wich

2007-02-26T12:29:00.000-07:00

Now I know what to get YOU for.....

and!!!
Badgers

Weekend

2007-02-26T08:59:00.000-07:00

I have spent alot of time trying to remember why I wake up in the morning. For so long I thought I woke up everyday waiting for some romance to walk in to my life. After Josh died I spent some time thinking about him. I thought about what I would say about him. I thought for a while and found myself in tears remembering what he ment to me, and why.

"It wouldn't be the first time I had contimplated suiside."

Romance. Over the last 4 years Romance was all I found to live for. I had forgotten what highschool was like. I started remembering what I was happy about; back then. I realised that some of those things are still in my life, and I wondered why they weren't enough. It didn't take me time to see the reason. I had chosen not to be close anymore. I got so wrapped up in romantic relationships, that I started putting them before everything else. I allowed all of my time to center around them. Every time I got hurt, I pulled away. Not just from whom ever hurt me, but everyone. With every 'offence' to my heart I became less trusting; of everone. I drew away from anyone on the irrational feeling of 'if she can hurt me, so can anyone else'. It wasn't something I did conciously. I did it with out even realising what I was doing. I just reacted. I am breaking down the barriers I put up. I am remembering those friendships that got me through the hard times. I am pulling away from the drama, and remembering what Life is really all about.

I think it's time we played liverpool...

Aleatha

2007-02-23T11:38:00.000-07:00

I don't remember the first time I saw Valkyrie. She more or less phazed in to existance at class. With Razor and Thunder commanding my attention, it took me some time to notice other swordsman. The thing that endured me to so many swordsmen was the way they automatically accepeted me. Because of their nature, in mear months I was already everyones little brother. They took care of me in much the same way. Giveing me rides, food, and putting me up for the night. Aleatha especially.

I don't recall spending so many nights with any of my other friends. For a time I almost lived at her place. There everyday. I would go to work, and then come home, to her place. Thinking back on it, it seems weird. I know now that I was acting on base anmilistic instict. At 'home' I was always terrified, on my guard, and stressed. Aleathas place was one of the 3 places I would go to escape the terror. It was not a concious decision, but an emotional one. I was drawn to the places I felt safe and loved.

Other times I would show up, and we would just sit there complacently watching hour after hour of some movie or anime. It was my safe retreat. Thinking about it now, I think we both needed the escape. To be off in any world other then the one we were in.

I have many fond memories with her. Now we are closer then we ever have been. I am no longer a scared child runing from the bad place. I am free to think and live in reality. I do what I can to understand my friends, and what they are going through.
There are some friends I will feel indebted to for the rest of my life. Like Zeb, Aleatha is one of those people. I do, and would do, anything to help either one of them. Wether in need, or simply bored I would put my self on the line to help them.

Aleatha.
Part of my family.

Madam Canadian.... Nympho....Anime Freak. Yep. That about covers it.

How many upper management does it take to run the reception desk?

2007-02-23T08:43:00.000-07:00

So I get to work and the receptionist isn't here.

Trying to cover for her are:
The receptionist from the thrid floor,
The assistant director of the building,
and a supervisor from business services.

Between them they have managed to log in to the computer. They have no idea how to work the phone and are all huddled around it looking at it like its some forign object. They are full of questions for me, on how to run the desk, the moment I walk in the door. Doing my best not to laugh I tell them how to turn on the phone.
"That button there."
Now to figure out where meetings are. It's a sheet of paper right in front of them, plain as day. Thankfully the receptionist walked in at that moment, saving me from bursting to laughter. So how many upper management does it take to run the receptiondesk? None. They can't. LMAO....

Zeb

2007-02-22T09:31:00.000-07:00

I met Zeb for the first time when I was 14. I knew him then as Dark Fury. For a while he was just another swordsman. He has a sence of humor that is hard to miss, or ignore. His kindness and warm heart has always drawn me to him, like few people do.

As I spent more time with him, he became one of the closest people to me. There is a reason I bond with some, and not with others. People change, on the surface. The core, the meaning, the 'spirit' of them never changes. How they percive the world changes, how they react changes. It is the outward appearence and action, not inward, that changes. The drive, modivation, and spirit rarely; if ever; change. Their heart is constant. The change is what most people see. The heart is what people see when they become intimately deeply close. Those who see the heart in me, are those I allow to get close; with only one exception.... With Zeb I have a deep bond, we each see the others heart. The bond I have with him is for life.

When I was living with my parents I was always trying to get out of the house, or stay away from home as long as I could. There were many places I would go, just to stay away. Then there were places I would go, places I never wanted to leave. Those places had an extra special appeal. I felt safe. More then that, I felt loved. Being there was that feeling you get when you wake up in a warm cozy bed. Not to warm not to cold and oh so soft, a place you never want to leave. Leaving those places was like geting out of bed, grudgingly and always hard to do.

There were only 3 places, more the people then the place, like that. Zeb and Leslis' place was always one of them. It was a no brainer when moving in with them became an option. When I had to choose wich one to continue living with, the difference in relationship was factor that made my decision. Lesli was a part of that feeling from back then. She always helped, immensly. It is Zeb that I am close to, but Lesli is a very good friend. She gave much of that cozy, warm, loving feeling. I admire her for that.

Living with them changed things. Things became full of drama and trouble. We all got older, and Life got much harder. Things have changed. Remembering those times.... They are part of the few reasons I have to wake up in the morning.

Things may change. I may find one day that I can not follow him on his life path.
I know that we will always be close. My hope is if the day ever comes where our paths part; that one day they will meet again. Like two wavy lines running paralell. Crossing here and there, running together for great lengths, and every now and then bending out in opisite directions.

May our paths always come together. My Love, My Friend,

Zeb.

Risk management.

2007-02-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

RM is a department in the state. They are in charge of making up 'safty' rules, enforcing them, and checking for compliance. Today they are checking our building for compliance. Naturaly we were given notice they were coming so we could become 'compliant' before they get here. Lol. The issue today is a catch 22 situation. The doors are supposed to remain closed 24-7 in the event of a fire. Most of the doors are fire rated and will slow the progress of a fire, giving the fire depo more time to put out the fire, and allowing people more time to get out of the building. However having doors open makes geting people out of the building faster. You would be supprised how many people have to have it spelled out to them before they will close their doors.

First Duty Assault.

2007-02-20T15:38:00.000-07:00

I had my first on duty assault today. Witnesses reported to me that they had been punching eachother as they traveled around the building. By the time I was alearted they were by the main entrance. When I saw them they were agressivly posturing and yelling. By the time I got outside it was violent again. The man saw me and ran. When I asked the woman if she was ok, she threw her shoes at me and ran after him. It's the first time I have ever been assaulted, while on duty. As we had no names, and only vague discriptions, the police were not called. I do not plan to file charges, on the baisis that to do so would be pointless. If we do find out who they are, and my supervisor recommends it, then I will file charges. I am unharmed. The only reason to press charges would be for the sake of attempting to prevent such violence. This is the first incident I have had since the drugs in November. I hope for another 4 months of quiet.

NET

2007-02-20T13:47:00.001-07:00

YAY! we got the net back up! *Stupid modem....*

"I'll follow you into the dark."

2007-02-20T12:42:00.000-07:00

This is what this song means to me.

Love of mine some day you will die

Someday the love in my heart

will die.

But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

When My Love dies, I will follow.

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white

I will not go to a heaven.

Just our hands clasped so tight

Just me and what ever my love has become.

Waiting for the hint of a spark

And I'll wait for whatever comes next.

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If neither heaven or hell want me.

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

Then I'll follow my love,

wherever it may take me.

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule

Religon is strict
unflexible and unforgiving.

I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black

The lady in black, to me,

is the embodyment of the unthinking

easily led 'followers' of blind judgement.

And I held my tongue as she told me

I listen in scilence,

"Son fear is the heart of love"

to all the fear, hatered,

and pain felt twords me.

So I never went back

I left religon and followers

and watched them fade into my past.

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary

Although I haven't seen

everything, it is all the same,

"i've seen it all".

And the soles of your shoes are all worn down

My love is tired

and worn out.

The time for sleep is now

"Now" is when my love dies.

Then it will be time

for rest, and sleep.

It's nothing to cry about

Don't be sad,

It is part of life.

Sometimes these things happen.

Cause we'll hold each other soon

Soon love will return.

Like a phenoix from the ashes

I do not know

If it will live again

but it is my hope

that if I, and my love die

that any life to come,

will bring rebirth for me and my love

The blackest of rooms

this place is uncertian

and unknown.

3 days of cleaning and relaxation.

2007-02-20T09:35:00.000-07:00

I spent a fair amount of time doing notwork work this weekend. Cleaning my room and helping Aleatha with various things were the bulk of the 'work'. I also spent alot of money. :P. In 2 1/2 days I spent almost 100$ on food. Not so bad, had it been groceries. Being it was resturants and novalty/junk food... I should use more restraint. But I enjoyed it. It was a much needed relaxation. Admiditedly I would have liked the whole week off but... :)

I wen't to Rodizio Grill for the first time. It was... interesting, and good. I don't think I will ever go again but it was good. Just not my kind of thing.

The net at home is down. When it does work it's sparatic and fritzy. Girrrr! no more net money for Cori until she gets off her ass and calls the service provider and FIXES THE PROBLEM!

Other wise a very good weekend. Much anime watching and video game playing. I even got some time in to relax with a good friend. :)

I couldn't sleep last night. I went to bed at 1a, but I don't think I got to sleep until 3a. Even then I know I woke up a few times throughout the night. I lay there for hours not sleeping because something was missing. I had this feeling that someone should be in my arms, holding me. I couldn't shake the feeling and so I lay there remembering the people who have filled that role in my life. There are too many. WAY too many. I count one, two, three. Are there more I just don't remember because their 'stay' in my life was so breif? I remember them now and then, but only when something reminds me of them. I need someone stable. Reliable. Someone I can count on. Somone who is 'for keeps'.

This is why I wait.
This is why I have kept my bed empty.
It feels like so long,
now,
since I had anyone in my bed,
holding me,
sharing their warmth,
and their love.
I miss it,
and I know it will be worth the wait.
I will wait for someone who will stay,
or no one at all.
She is worth that much.
Who ever She is.
I know She's out there.
I am just afraid I wont find her.

"It's ok now. You were just tired."

My Choice for an AMV

2007-02-16T13:07:00.000-07:00

I want to make a music video of the edited version of this song. It would probably be classified as porn though..... Ooo ooo ooo I know, I'll make an AMV out of it.
*AMV = Anime Music Video- A colague of scenes from various animes set to music. Often using picures that portray the words in the song.

I can show you the world
Shining,shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?

I can open your thighs
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
Now I'm in a whole new world with you

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be

A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment red-letter
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you

A whole new world
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me

Son of a!!!!

2007-02-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

MY TOE!!!!! I kicked the #@$*#&! Guns lock box last night. It took a pice of my toe nail and gouged my toe!!!

In better news my room is *dun da da dun* CLEAN!! I finaly cleaned the mess that insued after the chaos involving my new bed. I like the new look and feel of my room. There is the minor detail of being a bit cramped, but it was cramped in the first place. I still have a few bags of 'stuff' that I need to sort through. I have to figure out what is trash and where to put the things that aren't trash... *du du dunn* I also didn't realise how much laundry I am in need of doing..... :P

Tonights task... Fixing the computer.... I don't know whats wrong but the internet suddenly stoped working. It works on the other computers in the house, but not mine. The cables are all hooked up and everything, and the software seems to be properly configured so I think I may have a virus. Ulg....

Planes Dates and life

2007-02-15T14:07:00.000-07:00

After looking at both choices I have decided to look in to piloting for Civilian Freight. It satisfys my desires better then the military and better then passanger transport.

On the dating note. I am not sure what to do. Chase is right. If I am not forcing love to be in my life then I am forcing love out of my life. I need to stop 'worring about it and just let things happen. I'm not very good at that. I always have to be in control, or have a plan. It's going to be hard, but I'm gona try. :)

This weekend I get a whole 3 day weekend. No work. No obligations. Nothing. I am tempted to go camping or something. I don't know though. :)

Oh and one more thing....

2007-02-14T10:43:00.000-07:00

Ok I just added the new music player to the page. The post with the song will now be in 'older posts' somewhere. Lets see if I can get it to 'auto start'. So far the code is giving me trouble and I can't get it to do what I tell it to. :P well see.....

[Edit] Ok so no AutoStart and No Repeat. Its up to you *points finger at you* for now....

Spring rolls part 2.

2007-02-14T10:41:00.000-07:00

Oh ya. I was sooooo comfy this morning. That feeling where you can feel the snuggly blankets draping over your body; and you just want to go back to sleep. Not because your tired but because your so comfy. mmmmm ya...

Spring rolls, and The WWN

2007-02-14T08:51:00.000-07:00

I got 10 hours of sleep, had Jamba Juice for breakfast and I have Sushi Spring Rolls for lunch. I have a "morning paper" to read: "The Weekly World News". It is the only 'tabloid' that I will read, lmao. It is a good morning. I got a text message wishing me a happy Valintines Day. It was all I could do to keep from writing back "happy Singles Awareness Day". Later I had trouble not writing "happy 'V'-day". Don't ask it's probably TMI. It has been a good day. I hope it keeps up. :P

Dinner...

2007-02-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

You finish dinner and pay your bill. You walk out and head for the parking structure. As you near your car you hear a gun shot. As you turn twords the sound, you get hit."

Still want to go out tonight? I don't. More justification of my lack of trust for people. They can do the most vicious things, and seemingly without cause. In the next 5 years I plan to be in a different carieer then my current field. That will mean I will no longer have a sidearm. I am now serously considering a consealed weapons permit and purchasing my own pistol. If something like this can happen in Salt Lake, then it can happen anywhere.

Sleep and the lack there of....

2007-02-13T08:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't slept too well the last few days. After a good nights rest last night I reread some of those posts. WOW. I actually didn't remember writing some of it. Now thats sleep depravation. It was like reading some of it for the first time.

Thank you Syhalla. I agree. Although those were written while I was somewhat less then coherent, they still said what I was feeling. I do love her, and She does make me feel safe. However, a relationship with the Anjuli that I know now is not something I want. She is still so messed up. There is a 'front' that looks as though she has grown. However it is little more then a forced facade. The people around her are pushing and trying to force her to change, and she doesn't want to. So she puts on a show for them so that they will shut up. I saw throught it almost too easily :P. Until she decides to change it won't happen. Geting over her pain has to be her decision. She is still the same kid I dated a few years ago. I won't be "going back" to that. She will have to become a stable and mature member of seociety, before I ever consider anything with her again.

Anjuli did bring up a good point to me though. I am still trying to force love in my life. *sigh* To quote Vash "you were just tired.". I got lonly and let it get to me. It is time I relaxed and stoped struggling and trying so hard. I will focus on my carieer and stop worrying about my "love life". Time to remember the 'modo' of this blog....

Warm dream....

2007-02-12T14:57:00.000-07:00

"psst!"

*looks over*

"He must be really worn out."

"He's been taking alot of things pretty hard."

"I figured as much, he did start talking to you again; after all."

"Ya."

"He talks to you more then me. Hows He holding up?"

"I'm not really sure, but not good. He's seen me 3 times this week!"

"Wow. Thats not good."

"Your telling me."

Am I really so self centered.
I want me to be happy.
I want them to be happy too.
Them happy makes me happy.
But them happy doesn't take away the empty.
Is it so selfish to want something too...

Pizza

2007-02-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

Pizza is the soulution. Ok it was really just having any food. I feel a bit better now... at least I have stoped hyperventalating. My leg is bouncing at super speed though. I need to tell her tonight. I don't know if it will help but I have to try. I can't keep breaking like this... Why does it have to be so complicated? I shouldn't go through all this trouble for a girl who hurt me before... but I have never met someone who makes me feel this way. When She's around I feel safe. Like no matter what happens, it will be ok. I feel loved around her. I love her. I have never met anyone else who has ever made me feel that way. She is worth it. The question is am I to her.......

D2 cntd...

2007-02-12T08:51:00.000-07:00

Now my mucles are akey. And my head is screaming for pain killers. So I had this hope. It was all I had. The last of it. The one thing that kept me waking up. The one think that keeps me going. And now its gone. I am loosing it. Josh is gone, and I just slipped of the end of my rope. I need to meditiate. I need.... I need her to.... no I want her to hold me. I want her to love me. I love her , Am I so arrogent? Why am I so intent that she loves me? I know that she doesnt' but I can't convince myself of that. I was holding on to that, It woke me up in the morning and rocked me to sleep at night, Now shes gone. There's part of my heart she takes with her, its the last part.... I can't do this any moe,......

Day 2

2007-02-12T08:15:00.000-07:00

It is now Monday. I woke up saturday around 10A and I went to bed Sunday around 3a and woke up around 9a. I have yet to go to sleep... I have only eaten a small sandwitch and some junk food, from the wake, since Saturday. I am hungry but I can't eat. I am tired but I can't sleep. On the bright side this means I will be loosing some of the fat that surrounds my middle. :P Its odd. Everything seems to echo in a distant far away kind of way. Everything seems so continued and real, yet hazy and groggy. I expect it will be day 3 or 4 before I sleep again.... Ah insomnia the old familiar feeling... "bring back that lovin feelin, wo ooo that lovein feelin bring back that lovin feelin cause its gone gone gone wo oowo."

This time I can't eat either. I feel sick, and vomitous but I am starving. I am not sure if I am refusing sleep and food or if I just cant stand it. I am typing at 900mph and my leg won't stop bouncing up and down. A voice is SCREAMING inside my head that I need to let go.... I need to give up. I need to rest, I need ........

I don't want to give up. I am not ready!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! F**(^*#@ I am sooo frustrated. I want to spend the day crying. I wand to scream at the top of my lungs and just keep screaming until my lungs burst. I can't stand it any more. I I I....I am going to breath. And now I am going to do my job and pretend that nothing is wrong...........

Good bye my Friend.

2007-02-09T16:34:00.000-07:00

I admired Josh from the first time we met. I met him for the first time at Sword class. He was on leave from the Army. He did an endurance match against everyone in the circle. He won against all of us. He then returned to finish his tour of duty.

Five years ago He came home, met and started dating a close friend of mine. After sometime I was informed that things between them were... well, Joshauas promiscuity is no secret.

"To defeat your enemy you must first know them so well, that you love them for the same reasons they love themselves."

I have always taken this to heart. So I got close to Josh. I learned everthing I could about him, in hopes that if or when the time came; I could protect my friend. My sucess in the matter is negligable. She made her own choices and things went the way She chose to go. When I learned about him his past hit closer to home then I had antisipated. I had not expected his "grumpy man story" to remind me so much of my own life. He did not choose to share that story openly in life, and I will not betray that in His death. His ordeals were much more intense then my own, but it was easy for me to relate to him.

He spent his life much the way I have. Trying to find a good laugh to keep his spirits up.

"so this guy walks in to a talent agents office"

I have never been close to many people. Anjuli is the top of that list. Zeb, Aleatha and Josh tie for second. That list just got shorter.

Good bye my friend. Good bye my love. I will miss you.

JOSHAUA KELM

2007-02-09T15:46:00.000-07:00

"so long and thanks
for all the fish"

Joshaua Kelm, 26

Passed away Febuary 4, 2007 in
West Valley City, Utah.

Born September 21, 1980 in
Salt Lake City, Utah.

Son of Roger and Gloria Levinson Kelm.
Survived by sister Deborah Leeflang
and nephew Kaleb Doherty.

Memorial servives will be held
Saturday Febuary 10, 2007 2:00 P.M.
A private event.

A celebratory wake will be held
Sunday Febuary 11, 2007 5:00 P.M.
At the State Fair Grounds "Zions Building",
1000 W. 155 N. Salt Lake City, Utah.
A Public event.

In lieu of flowers,
donations may be made at
Zions Bank in Joshaua Kelms Name.

Qualitys and...

2007-02-09T09:11:00.000-07:00

I have never met anyone like you.
I have known you for years
You stand out in my heart, and my mind.
I love you.
You hold my hope.
You hold my love.
I would follow you to the end.
What do I need to change?
How do I find your love...
How can I stop the shedding of innocent tears?
All those years, burn in my heart.
They echo in my head.
I was a fool not to see ahead.
Impatience killed me.
Death consumes me.
The burning fire of pain fills my eyes,
and scorches my heart.
To have come so far,
to fall.
My body is weak.
I grow weary.
Hope is a glint in my memorie.
I reach for it
and...

Day dream escape.

2007-02-07T11:30:00.000-07:00

The sun is up. A cool breze is blowing.... I am lost in the hills. Fresh cold air nips at my face. Soon the air is rushing up at me wipping my face and hair. I can feel the adrinaline rushing through my body, like cool watter coating my stomach. It surges through my veigns and makes me alive. I slow and feel my lungs pumping hard. The sun shines down and I start to sweat. I relish in the feeling and pump the pedals harder. The trail twists and turns and I feel my insides lean to each side, with each new curv. My stomach catches in my throat as a sudden drop sends me speeding down a new hill. I regain my composure and use the new serge to hasten me along the way. Burning mucles, scorched throat and exhasted, I slow and stop under some shade. Cool water sooths my throat and my ears ring in the sudden silence. I can hear everything. The wind blowing, birds chirping. Bugs moving around buzzing, chirping, and creeping. The dirt brushes up in the wind and floats back down the trail. Slight dust and moist air fill my lungs. My eyes are filled with the blueness of the sky. My mind is in awe of the whiteness of the clouds. I take it all in, soaking it up like love from a lover. Refreshed I move on, racing to soak up all that I can. The faster I move the more I see. The more I soak up. There is so much I could never get it all in. I move faster....

Love, Life, Pain, Death, Anger 100

2007-02-07T08:49:00.000-07:00

100th post.

I really need to stop watching "Battle Star Glactica". One of the main characters keeps reopening old pains. I may as well poor salt on an open wound, rather then keep watching it. Sadly I am enthralled by the movie now and want to watch it all the way through. On the bright side I am on season 2, and 3 isn't on dvd yet.

I have a vague rummor that the wake will be Sunday around 5p. Nothing is set in stone yet, but that seems to be the general idea.

I could keep writing but I know that I would just write more uselss crap, :P. Night all!

In the midst of fog and pain....

2007-02-06T10:04:00.000-07:00

For those whom havn't noticed, when I am emotinal at work I write here... alot. I feel better 'talking' here. Its the thing that helps the best when I can't get away, and can't be visibily emotional. I am split. I am greaving for all the shit that has piled up on me. Hoever I am more wrapped up in Anjuli then I have been....in 2 1/2 years. I suppose I am falling on the support of the only person I feel safe enough around. Safe enough to break down; that is. I feel soo good when she holds me, and comforts me. I know that is what I have been waiting for, looking for, and wanting in my life. That is what was missing from Michelle. That is what I crave. It is the one thing that I can not do with out in a relationship. It is also the hardest thing to find. I don't know many people who have that quality. In fact, she is the only person who has ever made me feel that way. It has been something that I have always looked for in someone. I found it in her. That is why I was willing to stick through all the shit, all the abuse, and everything else. I think I would die for someone like that. I know I would. I just hate being cheeezzzy like that. I want to keep writing all day. In my head it feels like if I write all day, that I won't want to, or feel the need to call or talk to Anjuli. I feel like I will be ok if I just keep putting my feelings down. It's gettin too hot in here so I think I will go for a walk......

"....here comes the pain again falling on my head like a new emotion..."

2007-02-06T08:09:00.000-07:00

A little dramatic, I know. I spent time with Anjuli again last night. I was planing to wait until Friday to deal with Joshauas death, but then I broke down during the show last night... I sat there with her holding me for over an hour. Then I made certian to crush any hopes I had of 'me and her' ever again. Then we watched Eddie Izzard, my first time ever seeing him for myself. Sometime after 3a I finaly went to bed. I took her home this morning on my way to work. Everything seems to keep piling up. Every time I break down there is one more thing on the list, and I feel too heavy. I feel too weary. I walk through this life and wonder 'if every joy I find, turns to pain, then why is it worth it?'. I have another 4 14h days ahead of me. then I get a reprieve with a 6h day on sat. I don't want to hold on to Anjuli. I am afraid last night won't be the last time I ask of her help this week. Josh is the sraw that breaks this cammels back. This, and then back in September, and then the other part of September, and last Febuary, and August of 05, and Febuary of that year, and my parents the december before that, and August before that, and and and and...

I have let so much of it build up. It swept by me so fast that I had touble keeping up. Last night...

-----------------------
GAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! And now it is compleet. Miriam on Sunday. Anjuli every day this week, and NOW MICHELLE!!!!!! *R%&#$^%*#$&^@#*$!@$(!@^$(@#*%^*!@#^$*!@^%*!@%^*(@!#^%^*@#$&@&* Just what I need. *breath, must breath....*
-----------------------

...Last night it all crashed down on me. All the things I thought I had taken in stride, just exploded. Poor Anjuli, her arm was soaked by the time I could talk again. I don't think I am going to get through the week on my own. I hate to ask it of her, and I hate needing to rely on someone even more, but I don't think I can afford not to. A man carrying a gun and crying would not go over too well. *breath, breath, breath,

Life of mine...

2007-02-05T14:19:00.000-07:00

I spend a lot of time thinking about my life. I think about why I feel the way I do. Why my life is the way it is. How I want it to be. How to get it there. I think about the kind of impact I want to make in the lives of those who know me. I spend all this time thinking, and in the end I seem to fail, in most of these, more often then not. I try, I think it through. No matter how hard I try or how solid my thinking seems to be, too often it seems that I miss something; or didn't anticipate something. I keep trying, because the few times that things suceed give me hope. That hope is all that drives me. Every day now, it seems, that hope is my bright spot. The one thing that can keep me smiling. It gets hard to keep my spirits up. It gets very hard, and more often then I'd like to admit. I used to express myself to the world. Let anyone who wanted to look, see anything they tried to see. Wether it was my body, mind or heart, I tried to be an open book. The other day I found myself uncomfortable with being seen. It has been a long time since I felt uncomfortable with being seen. So long that I don't remember the last time I felt it. It wasn't that I didn't like me. It is that it has become almost instinct, or reflex. When you get burned, you pull away from what ever is burning you. It's the same here. I am afraid more and more every day. The longer I stay in this perpetually dragging life, the harder it is to 'stay awake'. I think of ways to be happy. I think of what makes me happy. I must be missing something, because every time I try something that used to make me happy; it back fires. I am holding on to my latest trial. I am afraid to... to what? I don't know how to say it. I am afraid to believe that it will make me happy. I am terrified that it will just blow up in my face, like everything else.

I have almost everything I could need. Now that I don't need much, the little I still ake for seems painfully clear. 13% chance. Thats what harvards(?) test says is the chance I will die of lonlyness. It is the number 3 most likely way I will die. I don't know how much stock I put in that, but it explains how I feel. I feel my body slowing down.

TMI alert.-->

I haven't had the desire to be sexually satisfied in more then a month. (not to say I haven't been arroused)I have my methods for accomplishing this, however it helps keep things clear; the way I hoped it would.
I find that more and more I want to be held. To hold someone. I see certian people in a different light. I can't say that what I now see is very inspiring. It is almost a bit defeating.

"Fear is when the brightest light is not at the end of a tunnel, but instead holds the face of empty abiss."~

Feelings.

2007-02-05T11:28:00.000-07:00

I'm listning

to all the pain

but I can't see

why it all has to happen.

I hear

*and understand why

but can't feel the hate.

but it makes no sense. the pain caused is simply returned.

Feel and I fall.

I break, and start to hate

It's death and ice here now.

I know this path will only lead to pain.

And I hear a voice

the voice of hope

And I call your name.

you hold all my hope.

But no one is there.

I reach for you, and find nothing.

And never was there.

It was just my fantasy.

I am asleep.

this must be a dream

with all this pain.

does my hope exist?

and as I am dreaming

I fantasize and imagine that my hearts desire, exists.

dreaming

I start to wake

dreaming

My hope fades with the dream

Its calling me home

my heart akes to be back in that world of dreams

always

I can't escape the familiar heart ake

home.

and yearn for that dream to be made true

Joshaua Kelm.

2007-02-05T08:43:00.000-07:00

Day: Febuary 2(3?), 2007;
Time: Between 4 P.M. Friday night, and sometime saturday morning.
Cause: Self induced drug over dose.

His parents found him Saturday morning with a syrange still in his hand.
A group of his friends gathered together yesterday, for comfort and support.
A wake is being planned for sometime in the next two weeks.
There is also the posibility of a viewing later this week.
I will post more information as I receve it.

Medical evidence of cancer has yet to be found. However proof is anxiously antisipated.

Comedy Central.

2007-02-02T15:44:00.000-07:00

I just found my new favorite web site. http://www.ComedyCentral.com

Anjuli, and then there WAS Josh.

2007-02-02T08:41:00.000-07:00

Well I decided not to worry too much about talking to her. I will talk to her about it, the same way I talk to a friend about something. Let her know whats going on with me. Then just be me, and let her be her. If things work out, however they work out, then they do. If not then they don't.

I got a message from Josh this morning. He said good bye.

For anyone who didn't already know, he has... or would that be had?.... terminal cancer. If/when I know, about services, I will post here.

Seriously.

2007-02-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

Am I seriously thinking about this!?!?! We talked until 7a last friday night. After a while she lay next to me on the floor. Out of habbit, and shear impulse, I ran my hand down her back; in a soothing way. I froze the moment I realised what I had done. She didn't. She didn't even seem to mind. I found myself thinking about her all week. I want her to know how I feel but I don't think its time yet. I don't know why but it just doesn't feel right to tell her how I feel. How I still feel. I know that I will talk to her agin this weekend. No plans with her yet. I know that if I don't ask to see her, somehow it will happen any way. Its weird. I have 'fallen in love' since her. A few times even. Yet she still seems to blow them all away. Despite everything that has happened. Despite all the pain and horrible things in our past. I still want to heal. I still want to be her friend again. I still want.... one far away day ... to be her lover. I want alot of things. I can't possibly know what is in side her head; if I don't ask. If I do ask how she feels.... I risk alot. I risk hurting her, I have no idea how she will take it. I risk loosing the loose friendship we have rebuilt. I am torn. I want her to be a part of my live in a big way. I also love seeing her happy. It feels different to be around her. There is still the same pain that radiates from her; but it's happier somehow. I don't want to mess with that. I am afraid that being more then a friend to her.... I feel like she isn't ready right now. I don't want to rush it. I am also afraid that if I don't become a bigger part of her life soon, that I will loose her... somehow. I also have a life decidion. I need to know if I should stay in Utah. I have friends I will miss, but nothing that would keep me here, but her. It makes a difference in what I decide for school/ carrieer. I am so mixed up. My head is spinning. I don't know what to do. It's all starting to swirl around and mix up. None of it makes sence in my head. Its like watching a tornado. Now and then you see something you recognise pass the surface of the funnel, But the rest is just a blur. I need to talk to her, slowly, so I can make sence of all this.

*Am I seroiously thinking this? Do I really want to take this risk? How can I be thinking this, saying this?*

I keep having moments where I loose all reason and just want to rush to her and blurt out everthing on my mind, without care or concern for the past we had. I keep wanting to treat this as though nothing was wrong between us. *Sigh*

LOL got this in a text message.....

2007-01-31T13:55:00.000-07:00

The 21st Century.

2007-01-31T09:08:00.000-07:00

I have it good. Every now and then; I am driving to work, or I walk out of a building and I look around. I see/ feel all the comforts I enjoy. Even though there is better out there, my life is cake. Its better then cake. I live in luxury. The only time I am uncomfortable is in the early morning; and that is only because my roomate insists on turning the heat down at night. I no longer worry about food, but what quality it is and if I like the way it tastes. I owe much of it to my friends, and their kindness over the years. I look at how I got here, and sometimes I wonder. Was there anyone I hurt, so I could get here. I know I wouldn't intentionally do so, but all the same; was there. I think about it and here and there in my memorie there are people who were hurt by me. Then I ask why, and if I could have prevented it if my modivations in life were different. For almost all of them the answer is no. Many of the romances in my life are regretable, and didn't have to end as badly as they did. Other wise there is only one main person who comes to mind. When I finaly decided to 'move up' in the world; my modivation was food. I still can't help feeling like I abandoned my old boss. I worrie sometimes that I 'coped out'. I think, "what if i had...." and wonder if I could have waited. I try not to dwell on it. I know that I had a tough choice to make, and did the best I knew at the time. Thinking on it from time to time, helps me remember how much I value all the help I had in getting here. I hope if I get in to NASA the way I want to, that I will be able to do something that will help people. If it helps them live easier, or healthier, or what ever. I have been slacking off about trying to get back in to school. I keep saying 'oh I have time'. I can't start untill fall; summer at the soonest. I need to get to the school and talk to someone about getting in. That is the next step.

On a brighter note I want very much to get a good bike again. The snow this morning reminded me of all the quiet and peace when out in the hills. I miss it. I think I will have to find a way to get a bike and time to get out there. :)

The Plan.

2007-01-30T10:38:00.000-07:00

The plan is to get in to school. I will distract myself with school and work until my hormonal body cools off. By then I hope I will have a carrieer to devote my life to. I am going to start by geting in to flight instruction. While I do that, I will school for Aerospace Engenering. I expect by the time I am 30-35 I should have a good job working for NASA or a subcontracter for them.

I'll spend the next two years in SLC and go to the community colledge.
Then the big decision. To join the Air Force and do Military Flight Instruction; or to do Civilian F.I. I would prefer the Military, only because I don't want to work with rich snobbs. If I go Air Force it will also have the perk of easier entry to NASA.

I suppose I will see how long I can go with out a dating life. I think I am getting used to this whole not having a compainon thing. If my hormones will stop bothering me then I think I will be ok. I can't wait until I get home. I think I will go to sleep early tonight....

Heavy eyes

2007-01-30T10:09:00.000-07:00

My head hangs on a hinge.

My eyes droop,

blood slows.

The heat brings on a sticky sweat.

Hunger craves

yet over full.

Visions of sleep

run in my head.

".....I heard the news today Oh boy! turns out...."

2007-01-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

DOOOOM! DOOOOM I SAY! Doooooooooom! Doooooom doom!

Apparently this was on the news before I wrote my last blog. BIG SUPPRIZE! It would seem that I am not the only one who saw it happening!

So this weekend was a bit of a bust. Not many purchases, and not so many bookings either. I had some guy call me at 2a. He claimed that I gave him my # at Area. ...right... and I got stupid when? If I find out who he is I am going to slug him, or lay him out, for waking me up at 2a. *in vash voice* "Scareeeey"

I updated my OKCUPID and I think I have done my best job ever at 'selling myself'. I have a good prospect in Idaho. She is 27 Budist and looks awsome. The catch is the 150 miles between us. :P *sigh*

On an off toppic note,

Spanking, and I agree. I know that it is easier to raise children with TV and corpral punishment, but easier does not make it good for anyone. The child, parent, and socioety all loose; when the easy way out is taken. All too often we teach children baised on instinct, and not what is good for them. Instinct would dictate, more in men, to go out and mate with any one possible. reproduce reproduce reproduce. Is that a good idea? No. Aids, Hiv, etc... are just a few reasons why. Instinct would dictate to spank, good idea? No. When you use corpral punishment it doesn't teach 'thats bad' it teaches 'don't get caught'. I think a good way to teach is to teach 'choices'. Teach a child that their life is thier own and they have to choose how to live it. They have to decide what they want to have happen in life. Teach choice, not punishment. Naturaly that is just in my nonparent opinion.

Good day to you all. :P

Neuclear....

2007-01-26T10:14:00.000-07:00

The more I keep up on neuclear news the more excited I become. It scares the shit out of me, but makes me extatic at the same time. We are on the verge of one of the largest technological implimntations of our time. We are also on the brink of Neuclear war. With Korea having neuclear weapons, and Iran mear platonium away from joining them, Neuclear war is not just some distant posibility any more. However with a new look at, and fedaral funding, neuclear power, we could all be using streamlined reliable neuclear power in the next ten years. That means alot for the economy and technology. With new demand for technological use in that area; advancement won't be far behind. With advancement, who knows what will happen. If it can be made safe, we could see planes using neuclear power, or eaven mass transit, etc... When the funding is there there is no telling where technology will take us.

TIE!!! Wheres My TIE!!!!

2007-01-25T08:36:00.000-07:00

"Why's the tie gone?!?!?!"

I can't find my tie...
I looked in my bed.
I looked in my head.
I even asked ted.... um... ok I don't know a ted...

I woke up tired today. I have been half way to dozing off all morning. By the time I get to run of show tonight I will be sleeping through most of it. I can't wait until the time spent at the theatre is reduced. I used to like working there. Now.... Sometimes I get this feeling that if something goes wrong, I'll be to blame. Even if I don't actually have anything to do with it. I know it's irrational, but that seems to be the whole enviroment for me over the last year there. Well there's my rant for the day. I better get moving before I fall asleeeee

Desire

2007-01-24T10:25:00.000-07:00

Words spoken

Leave so much broken

A mind racing

and still pacing.

Tears and hunger

a pain subsiding.

The burning rain,

poring through my eyes.

A heart on fire

in my desire.

I feel good na na na na na na na

2007-01-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

I wake up every morning at 0650. Most mornings I get out of bed and get in the shower. I do my workout Monday Wendsday and Friday. I try to remember to stretch my whole body. It lasts for a bout 2m before I give up. Somedays I also try to meditate; but it doesn't last long either. Somedays I get breakfast other days I just get dressed. This is my favorite time of day; Before work, after sleep. I love my morning rutine. Somedays I forget how much I love it and sleep in. I always feel better when I don't. Right now I am working 2 1/2 jobs. I work in the mornings as an armed guard. I watch over "Foster care" and the building administration. Then I work as a stage hand at night. I get home between 2200 and 2330 every night. Any time I have free I use for the other 1/2. My friend is starting a business. I am building her displays, calculating prices, chauffeuring and anything else I can do. On Saturday of this week I will also be her assistant. I won't get to the venue until it has been open for 2 1/2 hours; 2230. I am going to be a 'mascott' of sorts. I stand out at Area 51 wearing no shirt, piano key suspenders, and a bright red tie. The the first time my outfit was all penstripe. The second time, last time, I bought the tie and suspenders. This will be the first time we will be there actually doing business. Previously we just advertised with business cards. Now people will remember me, and make the connection. You can't miss Aleathas Party Gal Party. I feel lonly alot of the time; but I feel like my life is going somewhere. I feel like I am doing something worth while. :)

PLEASE READ This is Important!

2007-01-19T08:56:00.000-07:00

I was reading Ricks Blog and saw this.

March TO Impeach.

When our last President had a sex scandal, we moved to impeach him. Bush has openly lied. He has acted against the will of the nation. He has destroyed the relations with our United Nations; a goverment we all formed in hopes of one day achieving world peace. He has aggressively attacked and persued people we had no right to persue; causing the deaths of tens of thousands. Why then has it taken this long to move for impeachment?!?!?!

Please spread the word!

I die at 76

2007-01-17T12:35:00.001-07:00

According to our research, you'll be dead by

May 2060
at age 76

- probable cause -

cancer

YOU DIE: 75.8 years

AVERAGE MALE LIFE SPAN: 72.5 years

As you can plainly see, you have more health & vitality than the average man.

WHY YOU DIE?
56% cancer
24% ulcers/bowel toughness
13% loneliness
5% drowning of the lungs
2% wounds

You have 19489.8 days left on this earth.
You've already lived 30% of your life.

Never woulda' thought....

2007-01-17T11:22:00.002-07:00

Eight years ago, wow those words feel heavy. Eight years ago I joined a class known as 'Swords'. At least that was the slang term. Sword class or the UCSA were more proper terms. In that class I met people who are now very dear to my heart. They took me in, gave me food and shelter. They comforted me from the pain in my life and taught me how to live. If I needed something they were there. Even when they couldn't help, they were still there. Monday, as I was driving one of them around, She; once again; told me how much she apreciates what I do for her. I have heard that from her over and over in the last month. Monday it was sureal. It hit me and I remembered all those times 8 years ago. I always knew I would do anything to show my apreciation to those people for what they had done for me. I never would have imagined that our roles would be reversed and I would become the one driving them around and paying for the meal. I can't express how much it means to me to be in that position. To them, I am going out of my way to help them. To me, I am doing something I have aked to do for eight years. The rewards of helping somone have never hit so hard; as they do now.

Romance

2007-01-17T11:22:00.001-07:00

I have decided it is not romance I need in my life. I need human companionship. Not just someone to talk to but human touch. My friends and I never hug any more. In fact the only human touch I get any more is in a hand shake. I need somone I can hug. I need somone who I can hold now and then. I need somone who will hold me when I need it. Thats whats missing from my friends. Plenty of them really care about me, in that there is no doubt. I just need touch. Physical representation of how we feel for each other. For infants a monthers touch is one of the most important things in the world. Is what I need now, in essence, so different?

Life Jan 17-07

2007-01-17T11:03:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and sat bolt upright. I don't know why, and I've never done it before. I think it was because of a dream I was having. I don't remember what the dream was, so I can't be sure. I haven't woken up with that kind of adrinaline since junior year of high school. It felt nice, untill I got to work. Back in high school I would wake up, aleart and ready. I would get to school and zonk out. Thats what happened today. I woke up fully rested and refreshed, did my workout, had a nice cool shower and went to work. Now that I have been here for three hours im lathargic again. I suppose on the bright side its a good trend. The good things from back in high school seem to be comming back in to my life. With any luck Things will get to being ballanced out and I can stop with the roller coaster that is my life. I will get off the ride and sit down in a nice forest to meditate. :) I suppose there is still one BIG thing that is bothering me but every thing else seems to be getting back to good. Only this time I won't have my home life looming over my head.

An exit catching up.

2007-01-16T08:26:00.000-07:00

In darkness,

true heart takes to light.

A deafening roar,

of imploding scilence.

Restlessly rushing out,

lights slowly passing;

the darkness between flashing,

filled with a sadness.

Warming the ice,

a painfull compasion.

Rivers of ice,

salted with tears.

Drying their path,

a trail appears.

Too many tears,

an explicable sadness.

Clarification.

2007-01-12T08:51:00.000-07:00

After a comment that prompted me to reread my last two posts, it has come to my attention I need to clerify. The last three posts have been in reguards to my on-line dating attempt. In 18-20 it is a general search trying to find a date. In my last post it is an exerpt from a profile I read.

23/F

2007-01-11T10:38:00.000-07:00

And when I saw that, I knew exactly what was happining....

(An exerpt from a profile:)

"I Spend a Lot of Time Thinking About..."
Men. And why they are the way they are. And where their hand goes when it leaves my body for short periods of time in the middle of cuddling. Mysterious.

18 to 20

2007-01-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

A dating attempt.

So there I am. Deprived and desprate to meet new people. Pounding my fingertips on the keyboard, clicking one mouse click at a time. Information apearing and then disapearing before my eyes. Pictures fly by like a movie real...

In despration I broaden the search from "21-26" to include the "18-20" range.

Comments like:

"that means I am surrounded by, and may possibly /be/, a Mormon."

"extremely untrusting and have a problem with thinking that everyone is out to get me."

" almost promise that I'm not willing to cyber. No matter how nicely you ask."

and picures of:

young blond girls with big hair and vacant expressions on their face

too thin; girls hiding in dark corners.

a picure entitled 'seductive' screams out in my mind "I'm a virgin. want to, like, you know; be my first" and an immage of a girl blowing a bubble in bubble gum comes to mind.

more comments and terrifing immages begin filling the pages before me.

Frantically I return to the safty of my previous search, terrified with the information I have just witnessed, never to return agin...

OkCupid....

2007-01-09T14:59:00.001-07:00

So I caved. I heard this was a good site, and not just for dating, but meeting people and friends so.... here is my first test result.

The Gentleman
Deliberate Gentle Love Master (DGLMm)

Steady & mature. You are The Gentleman.

For anyone looking for an even-keeled, considerate lover, you're their man. You're sophisticated. You know what you want both in a relationship and outside of it. You have a substantial romantic side, and you're experienced enough sexually to handle yourself in that arena, too. Your future relationships will be long-lasting; you're classic "marrying material," a prize in the eyes of many.

It's possible that behind it all, you're a bit of a male slut. Your best friends know that in relationships you're fundamentally sex-driven. You're a safe, reliable guy, who does get laid. In a lot of ways, you're like a well-worn, comfortable pair of socks. Did you ever jack off into one of those? All the time.

Your exact opposite:
The Last Man on Earth

Random Brutal Sex Dreamer

Your ideal mate is NOT a nut-job. She is giving and loving, like you, but also experienced. Avoid the The Battleaxe at all fucking costs.

CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, someone just like you.

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: FredricHoefer

Friday

2007-01-05T08:31:00.000-07:00

Live to day, Love tomorrow.

Moments

2007-01-02T13:14:00.000-07:00

I looked at this number. '07. A thought from years ago flashed through my head and it made me excited, scared and nastalgic. When I was in high school I was always looking tward the future. 2002 seemed like such a long way a way that 2007 didn't exist. Its 2007. I am an over dramatic, pampered, lazy security guard to obsessed with trying to be young again to just be happy. Back then I was a scared starving kid trying to stay away from home in any way I could. The difference? The important difference? I was happy then. Happier. Thats what the appeal to moving in with her is. Yesterday I felt like we were back in high school and I was buming around at her place again. I felt loved. Thats what I miss. Thats what I want. I always look to a romantic companion for love. I think another resolve is in order. Resolving to find love in friends and family. Resolve to find the happy love I need to feel fufilled.

Oh, and thanks to Rick and Chase for the reminder,

Reminder

New Year.

2007-01-02T09:05:00.000-07:00

The last time I made a new years resolution was 2 years ago. I resolved to gain 20 lbs, thusly to become 160lbs. I did at one point this week manage 160. Although it is not a consistant 160 I still reached 160. On that note My new resolve is to turn much of the fat I put on, in to healthy mucle by the end of 2008. That gives me 2 years.

Yesterday made lots of things feel different. I speak of yesterday as if it were any other day, not because it was the first day of a new year. I spent the whole day with an old friend. She did laundry and we watched movies, and played games. It made me feel like I was on winter break; back in high school. It felt good. I have been hacking up flem, coughing so hard it is tearing up my throat, and been akey and tired. Not to mention my hurt ankle, bruised foot or all the drinking and partieing I did this weekend. Summed up I am sick as a dog. I haven't felt so good in a long time. She took care of me and made sure I got soup and tea and cough medicne. I feel good after hanging out with her. She has been like family to me since sophmore year. That makes 7 1/2 years now. How the time flys...

She is soon to move in to a house. She has on a few occasions reminded me there is an 'extra' room if I am interested...

2006-12-28T11:44:00.000-07:00

I don't often see photos that really make me feel what the picture is saying. This one almost made me cry... and that is my mood for the week...

Christmas.

2006-12-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

Lots of fun. lots to say but no mind to say it. SO happyness. Friday 29th I am organising a Swing dancing night out for anyone interested. 9p- midnight. 7$ at the door. Modest dress "mormon dress standards" are apreciated/ respectfull, but not required; so long as it isn't too reveling. Call me for more info.

"..Im dreaming of a white christmas..."

2006-12-22T09:54:00.000-07:00

No rick, there were almost 4 people against.

Yay! Its snowing. Trouble is that by christmas it will all be melted.

My brother got in town last night and we all went out to play pool for his birthday. I know there was a reason I was going to write that down, but I forgot what the reason was... meh oh well. HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE.

Thursday...

2006-12-21T13:40:00.000-07:00

Ok The final decision has been made. I am going to inform my employer of my plans for school, this fall, and try to be in Federal by then. I found out that 'full time' schooling is only 12-18hrs a week! LOL LMAO!!! with all the B***ing every one does, I thought it would be more then that. I have it easy in this job because I will be able to do homework while at work. So an extra 12-18 hrs a week, its only a part time job, and it gives me something usefull to do at my day job. :) going full time means I can get grants and such, so once again I will endevor in to the wonderfull world of digging up grants. If all else fails I will resign to the fate of student loans.

I am going to start with an assosiates degree. Then if things are going well I am going to Minor in Aeronotical mechanics and Major in Aerospace engeneering. I'm not going to discount the military. That will be a decision that is made once I finish my assosiates; Depending on student loans / funding. So for all those of you whom are 'anti' me going in to the service, you can all relax; for at least another two years. :)

That also means I will not be moving to Ogden, and will not be geting back in to theatre. :( Oh well.

Party Gal/ White n Nerdy.

2006-12-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Party Gals!

Lotions, Potions and Things that go BUZZZ in the night! (among other things)

I decided to give Aleatha some free advertising for her 'special' toy business. :)
Many of them make Great GIFTS! <--Christmas! HINT HINT! (for him and her) There is a contact link so you can ask questions about products etc... Please place your orders through the link above or by contacting her. The price is the same if you go to the host site but Lee gets part of the profit if you order through her site. (<- this intended for those 'computer savy folk who might stray from the original html.)

In Other News :

On to the real entry.

Ok so I have decided that if I go to school it will be funded on my own. I will see if I can manage to go full time (doing my homework while I am at work..) and if I can I might be able to get grants and such... :) we'll see, I'm a hopin :)

The stress is mounting as the month end draws near. Bills Bills Bills! Next month I will have around 1k in the bank at start of month, by the end of the first week it will be close to 0. If that much... hence my stress. The first month is going to be the worst. The second month will be a little better, and then things level out. Stress until then. :) In the mean time I'm going with Aleatha to her jobs christmas party! This means that I get to meet all the people she is always talking about. :)

"There'll- be Soap- for Chris-stmas..."

2006-12-19T08:11:00.000-07:00

I am broke, so anyone who wants a present from me is getting soap. :P

So I was awake for a whole day yesterday. I woke up at 12a and went to bed last night at 12a.

I don't think I am happy. This whole Living Single thing isn't working as well as hoped. I find that I am willing to give it all up in a moment for a crazy shot in the dark. That or I am just bored. The prospect of moving to Ogden has come up. Haley and Brandon are looking around for a theatre. They think they are ready and are looking at pricing, location, etc.. If I can move up, get a good job, and a good place to live; then I can do carpentry again. Right now they have no crew. I know they have contacts for actors and such. Brandon has established himself with a credible reputation in the theatrical community. They are going to see just how credible. If I can I would love to have the chance to do carpentry again. I won't get paid for a while, in fact I don't expect to get paid for years down the line. So I will need a secure job that will take good care of me for 5 years, minimum. That or I need to find a way to give up my car...

Well fun day at work, :)

Desolate Escape

2006-12-18T09:15:00.000-07:00

Nasua creeps.

Feel it rising,

smell

a hint

of tabaco,

then my

gut wrenches.

eyes close,

and then open.

Memories come,

and go.

The sun is set to blind,

tears to freze the ice.

A heart that wanders,

desolate from escape.

Vague Dust

2006-12-15T12:55:00.000-07:00

Wind passes through.

Blowing thoughts

into peacefull slumber.

Like faded memories,

shadows on the wall.

An empty hunger.

A vague notion

of headache.

Cloudy and grey,

they skies all say.

Light creeps in,

through the dust of day.

A heart wanders

and fades,

but doesn't

go away.

RE: Navy, Air Force

2006-12-14T08:01:00.000-07:00

It would seem that one way or the other I will be going back to school.
~I can go back to school and try to fund it myself.
~I can go back to school until I have enough schooling to get me in the Air Force in the position I want.

I am trying to get schooled as an Airframe Mechanic. I can also go all the way and get and A&P. I don't know though. I like the idea of being part of aerospace; building and repair. However I don't like the idea of being part of corprate americas Aero bankrupsys. The Aero industry is not doing so hot and it makes me worry about demand for the job. Its a lot of schooling, and not so much job security. * sigh* I suppose it would be good, either way, to have an associates; of some sort. I'll have to see what kind of funding I can get and where I need to go to school, etc... like I said though, school, normal schools, scare me. They are all so like: ... throw a few books at you and spue information at you until your head is so cramed full of nothing that you have to spue some of it back on to paper. *shudders* yuck. I hate how most teachers teach. Its not teaching, to me, its talking for hours and never doing anything. Bleck!

"...In the Navy...." or was that the Air force...

2006-12-13T10:57:00.000-07:00

Today I was thinking about my future. I was considering people I knew and how they got where they are today. Vader crossed my mind. He is an aeronotical mechanic. Aka he is an airplane mechanic. He got his training from the military. I don't remember if he was Navy or Army, but it got me thinking. I remembered all those commercials about joining the Navy to go to school. Usually when I look in to a job or a new carieer, the more I learn about it, the less interested I am; or I learn that I am not qualified etc... However, with the Navy the more I learn the more and more I want to join. The benifits alone are superb. Not to mention meal planing, housing assistance, travel discounts, and all the other perks. Then there is the core benifet; school. The schooling and trainng. I am a visual learner, almost to a handycap. I have such trouble learning something out of books and 'class' that it terrifies me to think about going back to school. In the Navy I can get a good mix of classroom and OJT. So I can learn, do, and then check my work. That alone has me anxious to learn more about it. To go back to school with out the anxiety and worry of being crammed up in yet another classroom, has an apeal that is only surpassed by that of a woman. I WANT this. There are very few things I have ever wanted like this. A good life, and good companion are the only other things that have ever had me feeling like this. Much research to do, before I even think of talking to a recuiter. I want to just go enlist today, but I know that in this I must use patience and do my homework.

EDIT: I just heard back from Tie. He recommended the Airforce. So I am looking in to all of my options. I will post here when I know more.

MUST RANT!!!

2006-12-08T11:54:00.000-07:00

This woman is driving me nuts!!! So the receptionist had to go with the other building administration to an out of building meeting. So I am stuck with this crazy overly opinionated fantisy world moron. I realise I am jumping to conclusions about this woman. I know she is not living in the present. Ever met someone who isn't quite there? They seem like they are mentally stable, but no one is home? Ya thats her, only the part of her brain that controlls speach forgot to leave with the rest of her brain. So now all that comes out is incoherent gibberish. *exhales* Finaly. She stoped talking. Its quiet, now I think I will zone out writing my book. That way I can look distracted and bussy. Maybe then she won't try to talk to me again. Only 2 hours and I get a real person back!

Living Single Update 12-8-06

2006-12-08T08:50:00.000-07:00

So I started this blog three months ago this month. The point is that I am going to be single and try to be happy doing so. So far so good. I have the occasional low, but over all I am more content then ever before in my life. When I am with someone I have the occasional high point, but it brings severe low points. Alone, this time, I am finding things to be much more melow. I don't mind having highs and lows, I just mind the lows being lower then the highs are high. This week I am more stressed then I have been, because of the car. If I can get one more promotion then I can relax about that too. I would like a nice relationship with a woman, where we are both putting equil effort in to it. However I will be fine with out one. This time around, the more time that passes, the more comfidint I am about being single.
I have a GOOD home to live in, although messy, it is a great place. I have food EVERY DAY!!!! I have a NEW car and a GOOD job. I don't know if I am happy, but I do know that I apreciate the structure of my life, more so because of how I used to live. I look at my life, in the abstract, and I have it REALY REALY GOOD. No more roches. No more nights freezing my toes off. No more nights going hungry. *holds back a tear*

"never saw the sun, shining so bright. Never saw things going so right."

Here's to the Single Life. *clink*

(I love this song *turn up your volume if you can't hear it*)

Drugs.

2006-12-07T11:04:00.000-07:00

So last night I had a purse turned in to me. I locked it in my cabinet and went home. Long story short, this morning drugs were found in it and my day suddnly went from mundane, to busy. Although I do not condone the breaking of the law, it is nice to have something, out side of bumming around on line, to do. Dealing with drugs, and volitle people, and death threats, etc... is what makes my job worth while. I wish I could find somewhere doing this same job, where it is needed more. Here I spend most of the time sitting and dinking around online. I want a place where I spend most of my time actually working. However I think this is probably the most eventfull post I will ever get stationed at. Everything from here on out pays better, but its paying for looks, not action. *sigh*

Money

2006-12-06T11:11:00.000-07:00

So I didn't upgrade. But I do have a comprehinsive warentee until the car reaches 100k. I finish the last few 'loose ends' with the paper work tonight. It is on a 5 year loan. Its a actually 5y 10mo, so about 6y. However, if I get a part time job and can put just an extra 200mo to it then it will only be a little more then 2 years. If I can manage to get promoted to a Federal site then that will also greatly speed up the process. All this paper work has me all worded out. So good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening and good night. :P

Stress.

2006-12-05T10:12:00.000-07:00

So I heard back about my car. In laymens terms it has a bad crank shaft berring, a bad rear main oil seal, and both front outer CV joints are bad. So I bought a new car. Its mostly new. 50k '04. I am thinking that tonight when we do the rest of the paper work that if it is doable I am going to upgrade to NEW, NEW. It is a bout the same price and 50k less miles. Different car so we'll see... But the new car I can do on a lease. Which means that after 2 years I can decide to buy it, or trade it in, or just be done with it. As is I would be stuck with 5 years of a car that will do the job, do it well, do it right, do it reliably, but I don't like. The NEW car I like more< key word is More not LOVE. But the new car also lets me choose something else in 2 years if I decide I want to. :) If I can get it thats where its going. In the mean time it makes me nervous. It'll be 10% interest. I have GOOD credit. I should be able to get it. We shall see...(ominous music plays)

SWING DANCING!!!

2006-12-04T09:23:00.000-07:00

YAY for Swing! A bit o' Ball Room too. I went dancing at the Ballet and Dance Center next door to the Murray Arts Center Saturday night. There was Swing Dancing, Waltzing, Salsa, and half a dozen other types of dancing. I only know Swing and the Waltz, so they are all I did. I haven't done some of those dances in 11 years! It was like riding a bike. A little rusty but it comes right back to ya. I do wish there were a Club in Salt Lake that would do such dancing, with out the LDS standards. It would be nice to find a following that apreciates the dance without all the religous reasons for attending. *sigh* I just want a nice girl who likes to ball room dance. lol either way it was GREAT fun and I am going to have to convince some of my friends to come with me sometime. :)

Good Game.

2006-11-30T12:11:00.000-07:00

I play this 'chess' like game, Tactics Arena Online. Just had an awsome game. I just played this german. It was cool. The banter was awsome! :)

Fixings and such.

2006-11-30T10:18:00.000-07:00

Finaly fixed the bedroom door... and the bathroom door. Next is geting a new handcuff key and new clamps for my bench press. Watch it! Only tonight on F.W.L.
(F.W.L. is a registered trademark of Freds World Live incorporated. Unotherized duplication, reproduction, or other use is strictly prohibited. )

The pond froze over yesterday. Today all the ducks are gone. Zeb says once it is solid enough, he is going to walk out, pick up, and throw away a bottle that is just laying on the ice. It will be fun to watch him splash around when the ice breaks. lol I'm gonna set up lawn chairs just for the event. I'm thinking about playing music and selling tickets.. but I think that might be going a bit too far. ;)

I am not happy. I am quite discontent. I think I want to move out of the country but I'm not sure. I am also not sure where I would go. I do know that I am tired of the unreal way that Americans live. So many of Us are more concerned about the new movie, or what actor/actress did what. Then there are the opinionated people. I don't mind opinionated people. I mind uneducated opinionated people. The type, like I used to be, who have very strong opinions; about things they haven't taken the time to study. Everyone knows everything, and no one else can tell them different. Pay no mind to books, reports, video footage, or any other evidence. Just what they want to think. That way we can stay lazy and apathetic. I think its a way to appear to care, when in fact it is just a front for indefference. Why do people think they have to appear to care about things they don't even want to think about? Is it because others say they should care? Is it because they think that if they don't appear to care that they will be stoned in the town square? Its one big doup. The world knows we couldn't care less, but we can't admit to it. We all have to play the part of passionate indefference. Passionatly delcare to care, and secretly only care about 'tonights T.V. show', etc. I suppose I am just tired of the lazy, wastefull, self justifying, gluttonus life style we, I, live. I'm not this lazy. I'm not this wastefull. Yet for some reason I am doing it all the same. Two years ago I could get by on the slary of a stage hand. Now I make almost doubble what I made then, and I am still scraping by. How did I get so wastefull? Does Amercian life really make it that easy to become a glutton? I think I will start trying to remember how to live with out all the waste. Maybe I should start by changing what I consider to be 'entertainment'. Movies, Video games, etc.. Start reading writing learning. I want to learn German. I also want to learn French. I want to start having money for doctors and dentists. I want to get my teeth fixed, and get rid of all the fat that has undoubtedly started accumulating on the walls of my arterys. I need to put the T.V. in my room away and use the space it fills for a reading chair. I already put the computer away, and replaced it with my weight set. No more. Just stop. Become healthy and smart. That is what I want to do with my life. Its going to take time. My brain 'mucle' hasn't been 'worked out' in a long time. It will be a slow process. Like starting a workout up. Slow at first, and then once you have 'momentum' it breezes past.

"life is the persuit of happyness not gluttony."~

Snow!

2006-11-29T08:38:00.000-07:00

I lost my hand cuff key.

Thanks giving etc...

2006-11-27T08:51:00.000-07:00

Thanks giving started with family. It was much more plesant then I expected. The food was good, it was quiet, etc... The tradition of the single kids going to a movie was changed. There are now only 4 single kids left. One of whom lives in New York now so, He wasn't there. As such, we invited the grand kids along, aka the nieces and nephues. We watched "Happy Feet". It is a good movie. :)
Then I joined my roomates for a night of food and games with one of their familys. Over all it was a good day.

Then back to work for Friday. Saturday the car auction was a bust. There were only 2 vehicles worth looking at. Both were over priced and frankly even if they weren't I'd rather take my chances with the Subaru. Then I droped off the bowflex to my brother inlaws house and picked up my old bench press and weights. I then cleaned my room and set up my new, old weight set. My room is a little sloppy but its clean. I need to replace a few items on the weights to make them safe, and then I can incorperate them into my morning workout. :)

Saturday night was the hilight of my week. I acompinied Aleatha, to Area 51's fettish night, to promote her Party Gals business. Its an 'on the side' income for her. A few people showed up to help pass out cards. I dressed up in a pair of penstriped pants, suspenders, and a tie. I debated on just a tie, but decided they wouldn't let me in with out pants. I also had a bit of eye liner to add to the effect. The red hair dye only shows up in sunlight so it only gave vague hilights for the evening. From what I hear, *always a great way to start a sentance* , I was quite the 'looker'. At dinner later they told me that both genders were eying me all night. Anjuli told me that a guy even aproched her 'inquiring' about me. lmao the irony was/is just killing me. To start the night I had a drink. I always do better dancing when im a little... more relaxed. Then I had another, which of-corse was a little more then where I wanted to be. By 10p my body started to shut down, as per my normal sleeping schedual. So when I was sober again I was so tired that everyone took my drowzyness as intoxication. I played on it a bit so I could get a few z's before heading home. ;) We didn't leave the club until 1a. It was a good night and I throughly enjoyed the night. We went and ate at villiage inn before heading home, AND I went home, and slept alone. yay! No booty calls or anything else. :)

I spent sunday playing Halo2, online, and doing laundry. I started both at 11a and finished around 11p. 12hrs of laundry!... hurm and Halo2. :) I still didn't finish the laundry. It is all clean and dry, but I have a bit to fold, iron, and put away. Something about just one more game and then I'll finish the laundry... oh just one more and then I'll do it.... :)

Just one more line and then I'll get back to work...

I droped the Subaru off to the mechanic, this morning, and walked the 6 blocks to work. They will call me when they know anything.

oh just one more line and then I'll get back to work.......

So I am going to return to my writing, for those who keep up on it. :)

Wendsday,

2006-11-22T08:25:00.000-07:00

So I spent 90$ on Animae last night; and then promptly bought red hair dye. I will be dying my hair, for the first time in my life, tonight. It is a temporary 10 day dye. If it is the color I want, then I will dye it with perminant dye. No I have not lost my mind. No the world is not coming to an end. I am dressing up for the christmas party, and want to be authentic. I am going as Peter Pan. I am having trouble deciding between green tights and the leaf toga. I like the leaf toga better, but the theme is Disney characters. Disneys version of PP is the Green tights outfit. Either way I won't be wearing any pants! :P

In sader news,

I am going to have to buy a new car within the next 2 weeks. That is as long as I give, before my car dies. I'm not sure if I want to go with a NEW car, or a 'new' car. I have done the 'new to me' rout 6 times now. A 7th time would be ok, but... I can potentially afford a NEW car, and it would be nice not to have to worry about all the break downs and such. *sigh* I suppose I will paruse the net today and do my reasearch.

In The News

2006-11-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

So I have been trying to find online sources for REAL NEWS. You will notice the new 'IN THE NEWS' section on my sidebar. I have found that there is more accurate and factuall information in off shore news reporting agenceys. Even Canada has better news on us then we do. Not to mention most of Europ. So brush up on the latest facts about World news and US news. :)

In other 'news' lol.

So I am having a very hormonal day. For some time now I have moments where any healthy and clean woman can drive me crazy, in that all so special way. Somedays are worse then others. However wemen that I don't normaly find attractive, are also driving me nuts. Don't get me wrong they are good looking wemen, just not my type. I suppose that I must be one of two things:
I am having 'that time of month' where my hormones are going crazy.
or
My body has decided it is time to reproduce and isn't going to give me a break untill I do.

So here is hoping for option one. I think I am going to start researching pharmisudicals that help to lower sex drive. I would very much like to remove, or at least reduce the influence that pirticular hormone has on my body. I am tired of geting worked up, etc.. to no productive result. My out look on it is that unless I have someone whom I want/ would be ok reproducing with then sex just isn't usefull. It wastes time and energy that would be better spent on other things. As I am slowly coming to the conclusion that I want to be single for an extended if not indefinate amount of time, the idea of removing that influence is; to say the lest; appealing.

And now I dive in to the ever advancing world of technology to find a 'make my life easier' pill. Or possibly someting I can change in my lifestyle, or eating habbits or something to the same result...

Cute Kids..

2006-11-16T15:08:00.000-07:00

Most of the children who come through are snots. Sometimes even the snotty kids manage to seem cute.
Kid "can I have a sticker?"

me "sure"

a few moments later....

Kid "can I have a sticker"

Receptionst "sure"

A few moments later...

Kid "can I have a sticker?"

Receptionst "don't you already have one?"

Kid "nnooo"

Receptionst "where did it go?"

Kid " I don't know"

Receptionst " let me see your hands"

takes a second and then shows her his hands.

Receptionst "where did it go?"

Kid "there in the garbage"

Receptionst "so you do know where they are"

kid smiles. then walks away playing with the stickers he already had.
......

this kid is in here once a week. He's a bit of a snot, but he has his moments.

Hand Cuff Training

2006-11-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

Wow. I need a sex buddy. After my training last night there are soooooo many things I want to do to.... Ok no more details.

So I woke up already nervous. My preliminary test for the feds is after work today. I have no idea what to expect. I know there is a personal history questionare. There is also a written test. On what? I don't know. It could be arithmatic. It could be a written test to determine people skills. Part could be the psycological test. It could be just about anything so I have no idea what to prepare for. I guess if I am right for the job, then I will know the answers. No physical test today though.

So now that I have the address I recognise the building. It is down town, one thirty something south and state. Its the 'federal building'. I have walked past it so many times, on the way to sword, etc... That would be nice. I am sure I will still get the same homless crazys there that I do here. Should keep it interesting. Ok, so I am due there at 1800, 6p. Let y'all know how it goes.

Today or yesterday?

2006-11-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

It seems that every now and then, I get all twiderpated over the idea of having a 'someone'
in my life. However more and more, like today, I prefer the idea of being alone. I want to get away from all the drama. I want my life to be dramatically boring. I want to replace the 'excitement' of drama, with actuall activitys. To be excied by doing, or feeling.

Enter phlosophy moment for the day.

In my 'circles' of friends drama seems to be the main event. It is as though everyone, and I have been no exception, does it because they are lazy. It is easier to spend time gossiping, then thinking. It is easier to allow gossip to put thoughts there, in place of making thoughts. I want to get away from this lazy life style. I want my friends to do so as well. However I can only stay my place. I can't tell or even ask them to follow me. I can answer questions, I can tell them what I am doing if they ask. I can't tell them "you should...".
End phlosophy Wendsday.

I am somewhat nervous. I have court today, and testing tomorrow. I am managing to stay calm about it ,but little knots are starting to form in my stomach. I stayed up till 2 or 3 lastnight. I need to stop doing that. I am dozing off and its only 1020. I still have to appear in court, and do my handcuff training. I won't be off till 7 or 8 tonight. Not a good ending to my entry but I need to let my brain rest... maby just zone out for a while...

Re: 'to or not to'

2006-11-15T09:08:00.000-07:00

I am nervous about answering this question. In thinking about it, I seem afraid that nothing has changed. I know things have changed. I can feel it. I can see it. Yet I don't want to admit that anything has changed. I think I am afraid that if I admit what has changed, that it will somehow stop changing. Even more terrifing is the thought that admiting to the changes would somehow make me revert back to before the change. *sigh*

Ok. From my perspective, a few, big things have changed. My over all mentality has changed. Last night for example. I was talking to roomie C about an issue between her and one of my friends. I know that I would normaly have goten angry, because my adrinaline levels rose. However I didn't have to 'fight off' beign angry. The adrinaline was being releiced in to my system, but I just didn't get angry. Its just one example of things over the last month. I still get frustrated, and upset. Its like a calm angry. I don't go crazy with anger. Its just one example. Its also not the best example. I was, after all, talking about how pointless 'fighting' out of anger is. Also about how fighting only gets more fighting. How it takes one side to stop fighting, and say 'there has to be another way.'. Before I get sidetracked I should move on to what else has changed.

I am also happier. Its crazy because I hurt more then I have ever hurt. I am dealing with things that I never knew I needed to deal with; hard things. I am also healing old friendships and trying to resolve old grudges. I have also lost someone very close to me. She will probably never speak to me again. What hurts the worst is that all of these changes happened too late to stop me from hurting her. With all the pain, and all the tears at night, I still feel happier. It used to be that everything weighed me down. Now only the big deep pain really hurts. Everything else seems superficial. The things that make me cry at night still hurt just as much, but with out everything else gooping them up it seems happier. Painfull, but happy. Its weird. Its like I used to have the pain of hunger, and the gash in my side; and now only the gash remains to heal. In a sick way I almost hope that it never does though. I never want to forget, not her, and not what I did to her. I don't blame me for everything, but alot of it. I never want it to stop hurting. I never want it to get easier. I want it to always be there vivid and unignoreable. To keep me grounded.

I am sure there are other, more superficial, things that have changed. However those are more like shock waves and not the epicenter. Alot of the changes are still taking effect, still making the change. Like systimatically rooting out a virus.

anything to add?

"To Hailey or not to Hailey, that is the question."

2006-11-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

I was rereading my "3am" post. It was early morning when I wrote the post, so my literacy skills were worse then normal. While attempting to correct some of my mistakes, something occured to me. It struck me. Not only do I feel desire for Hailey, but she fits alot of the things I am looking for.

There is another complex element. I mentioned my ambitions to renovate old houses. She and her partner have aparently also experessed such desires. As all three of us seem to enjoy this idea I am inclined to persue a joint venture. I will first help them in their plans to own and operate a Theatre. Then when we are all ready, we can move on to renovations. I have not discussed this idea with her, as I did not consider it until this afternoon.

It adds to my desire to be a part of her life. I do however come to an impass. Firstly, I don't want to intrude on a venture that is seemingly intamate between them. Secondly, I am worried about geting too involved in her life; as I mentioned in my previous post.
However, in the end I need to let her/them decide for themselves. I will offer what I have to offer and let them choose how to respond.

The only thing left to decide is how to make my offer. I want to help her, either way. So I could offer to help her. From there I can get a feel for things, and decide if my offer would be apropriate. I think that is how I will do it. If I don't 'fit in' then I don't want to make such a venture. For something involving such trust; I would need to be capable of such comrodery to be ok with it. If I find that I am truly ok with the idea, then I will present it to them so they can make their decision.

Well now I will go through the rest of my day. Feeling as though I have acomplished something.
:)
It is windy today; I love the wind.

3 am

2006-11-14T03:13:00.000-07:00

I'm half asleep, yet I am dreaming. In the dream my phone is ringing off the hook.
Three people are calling all at once. Lesli, JB and Michelle. I also have two txt messages chiming in with the ringing of the phone. I decide that Michelles call is most important to me and answer it. She is asking questions, we have a conversation I can't remember, and the dream goes hazy. The dream turns and I am reading a text message. Then I start hearing the chime of another text message and I wake up.

What do you know, just as I am waking a text message chimes, and shows up on my phone. Hailey. New message 1:34am. "What time is it", I ask myself. 1:36am. It has probably chimed once already and I assume it is chiming for the second time. The message asks if I am awake, so I call her back. She called for "...." The conversation turns, and we decide to go for one of our customary night drives. As per the norm, I bring a condom; just in case. It wouldn't be the first time I had/ have wanted to have sex with her, better safe then sorry. We drive, and talk. It relaxes me. I enjoy our talks. We wined our way around the city.

Too soon she is pulling up in front of my place. I muster all my strength of will, and keep my mouth shut. In my head I am asking her to come in, or if I can come back to her place... I hug her. She asks me to pop her back. So she gets out and I hold her, lifting her off her feet I pop her back. I don't want to let go, so I let go almost too fast. We say good night, and I get inside feeling good. It is a nice night out. Not too cold, just right.

She is more and more attractive every time we talk. She has a nice body, and the more and more she opens up to me, the more I want her. She wants to own and run a theatre. Very much a theatre geek, and I miss the theatre. Her dream seems to be comming along, and within her reach. Her dream fantisizes of having a real 'husband' type around. So many reasons why she is attractive, and so few reasons why not. I get inside and smell the faint resdiue of the perfume from her cigarettes. The smell makes me nastalgic. The more often I drive with her, the easier it is for me to breath; with out coughing at the mear smell. It still does the same dammage, I'm sure. She has a 'not husband'. He is gay. It works nice for her. She gets the space she needs, and is ok with not having the physical intamacy. She seems so happy. I don't want to mess her life up with, what can olny be described as: 'me'. While we were driving around I saw part of my future. I saw two roads. One road led to drama, dating, struggles, icky gooey ick. The other road led to a comfortable, safe, secure, stable, but very lonly, Single Life.

"never saw the sun~ shining so bright never sa..."

2006-11-13T09:27:00.000-07:00

Whew! What a weekend. So I got paid. Cleaned the apartment... sorta. Its more like organised chaos now... Moved the automan and chair in to the front room. Cleaned a bit o my car. Had a long, draining, talk with Steph. I also spent the last few dollars I had on a bit o sushi. :)
My ballance, until I deposit my check today, is 9 cents. Cutting it close, no? But I get paid again friday so it will be all good after that.

So things are feeling better with Steph, so much so that I almost cried, but then didn't. Also I didn't control the situation, I don't think so anyway. I just kina let it happen. After Kari and Anjuli devastating my trust in people, Steph; of all people; mannaged to restore a small glimmer of faith in people. JB and I are on... ok ish terms. Things with Anjuli are feeling... sick. I listened to some, insites?, on her and why she was with me, and it made me sick. I still feel a bit ill thinking about it. I don't know where to go from there so I will have to take some time and think about it. Something about her wanting to throw up every time I touched her, kissed her or anything. Out of everything that messes with my head the most.

So I skipped out on my workout and stretch on Sat. , but I was right back on track today. I still havn't gotten my eating habbits under control. However, Aleatha is trying to help me fix that by 'me taking her' shoping for food. That way she can coax me in to buying food and not just scrimping by on what I bother getting when I'm in the mood.

Over all things are messy and gobbeldy gook, but in a good way. :)

lol and I won't be writing any more on the noveletta for a while. I managed to cut 4 of the fingers and burned the palm of my right hand, while working at the theatre this weekend. All the cuts are on the finger tips so it hurts to type...

3 posts in one day, whew..

2006-11-10T14:32:00.000-07:00

I was rereading my posts to find my happy place again. It reminded me that I am supposed to be looking for and posting the things I like in a woman.

************************************************
Someone who can handle stressfull situations with out loosing her head. I can't be too big on it though, as I loose my head all too often... I need to work on that before I can ask it of someone else.
************************************************

I also went to the bank on my lunch break. As of 12:50 pm today all of my accounts are $0.00. Except checking. I have like $4. Add that to the $8 in my pockett and I have $12. But its a positive ballance and thats what counts. It also helps that I get paid tomorrow. :)

Later...

I am feeling much better, almost time to head to the theatre and then to sleep..

MY day part 2

2006-11-10T13:33:00.000-07:00

I just took my fisrt lunch break in 2 months. I tried to pass the time by reading my book. I couldn't keep reading after a few pages. The main heroin reminded me too much of Michelle. Every word they used to describe her pierced right through me. In this place of memories it is hard to stay aleart. My mind keeps wandering, remembering old times. Good times. It hurts to remember them, they make me want to cry. I am aking for the moment I am off duty so I can race away from this land of misserable joy... or maybe I am trying not to leave out of fear that I will forget. I don't want to forget her, but it hurts so much to remember....