Moments like this...

Moments like this make me doubt my sanity. I knew about the hair trigger on my gun. I simply didn't put two and two together untill after my little attempt a few weeks ago. Now when I have suisidal thoughts the thought of that hair trigger is like candy. You barly have to touch the trigger once it is calked. It would take away all this crap. If I am lucky I won't wake up in heaven or hell, ill just cease to be. You would think I would have ended it by now. Then again I have a bad habbit of riding things out on some small hope that I can fix things. That small hope wavered. It has been slowly getting smaller and smaller. I spent 3 years waiting to make it easy enough that I could convince myself to do it. When it came down to it I simply could't bring myself to exert the 5lbs of pressure to pull the trigger. I did however put my finger on the trigger, and I did start to pull it. That small motion I made before... thats all it would take. I gave up on Michelle. Its the first time I have given up on something so important to me, with out first trying everything I could. There. I said it. It is all my fault. I gave up, thinking she had abandoned me. In some sick way I know that its not my fault, but that it is all my fault. One different choice. If I had ridden that one last time out, then things would have changed. One might say that something else would have eventually brought this about. But the hope that It would have fixed things is all that kept me going. In everything. How do I continue when my only hope is one that always crashes down around me. In Love, in finances, in friends, it never seems to end.... I am always riding on a hair trigger, always one move from a break down. one move from more pain, or more joy.... *screams*!!!!!!!!!