This is a log of my endevor to live the single life, and be happy doing it. I will no longer try to force love in to my life. If love finds me, then I will not turn it away, untill then, may happy days fill my sails with wind.

Monday, March 05, 2007

140 Posts, Living Single.

I have started a new chapter in my life.

With it I close this book,
as I have done before.

Now I open a New Journal.

Fall out part 3

He looked at the woman again, and he realised who she was. He knew her name was Darcy, and that she worked over in accounting. He wondered if she had fled here after the first hit.

The first sign of war was in accounting. It had started slow, so no one noticed until it was too late. Later when things had calmed down, they figured out what happened. Someone had been changing numbers. At first it was small things. On one page a 5 became a 3. On another a 4 became a 14. Then more and more, untill the whole system was infected. Some of the work that was being changed, was also being coppied in to the computers. Once the first computer read enough of the faulty numbers it went beserk, and then it spread to all the systems. Some thought there had to be a mole. Someone working from the inside. Giant streams of ink and huge piles of torn paper littered accounting for weeks as they evacuated.

The workers were demoralised. They had to shovel mass resignations, burn infected piles of paper, and the ink, that was the worst. Anyone who has ever had to scrub ink off a cubical would know that. Dripping from chairs, covering keyboards. Just looking at the state of things and someone could tell that it must have been horiffic. If one were to try and imagine it they could almost visualise the scene in their head. One persons computer would go, papers would start jaming; pencils breaking. Coppiers and printers would start malfunctioning and then the ink would come. Spirting out like blood. Spurting from coppiers, pc printers, hand held priniting calculators, any thing and everthing with ink, just boiled over. The image would be burned in to the minds of those who saw it for the rest of their lives.

Then it spread. First to payroll, then HR. It spread every where, and didn't slow down. Finaly it hit Shipping, then Receving. Once it hit Public Relations it was all over. At least the first attack. Nothing after the first assault could really be called an attack. It was more like fallout from the first attack. The losses in every department slowly built up. With each loss, they would get further behind. Late paychecks, dammaged deliverys, the devistation was insurmountable. Now there were few left. Those who stayed were mostly just too subborn to quit. "Die hards". There were also the destitute. Those with no place else to go, trudging along to the slow pace of manual type writers and hand held staplers, but it was better then nothing.

That ray of hope promised by the Man No Longer Under the Desk was like a shining light in a pitch black world. Soon they would find reprieve.....

Some times you feel like a....nut?

"Some times you feel like an ass, some times you don't."

Every now and then I get caught up in my own self doubt in reguards to the "advice" I despence. I am, by far, not the smartest or most sucessfull person I know. Yet I still try to speak my mind when I can. Sometimes I feel like an intrucive ass after the fact... But what more can I do then try.

I got a text message last week. It said,

" Dear sir,

Your account ballance is low, and in danger of defaulting to Virgin status. Please refuck as soon as possible to avoid unsatasfied partner charges.

Thank you,

Your friends at
Department 69."

In truth I got this message a mear day after refreshing my account, "whew cut that one close" Over the weekend I decided I should add some additional refuck to my account, and depleeted more then half of my condom stash. You might say I am extreemly more relaxed then I have been in a while. I am also a bit sore. It's been a while since I used some of those mucles, or stretched in quite that way....

"God am I a slut?"

"No billy. I think it's time we had a chatt about the birds and the bees. You have a particular skill. A satisfied partner, makes other potiental partners envious. With you it's just that.... Well trying to sleep with you is like cutting soft warm butter, with a hot eletric knife. It's rather easy."

Well no unsatisfied partner charges here.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Fall out Part 2

".....There is. But we have to use it at the right time or it will be for naught."

The next morning woke to the silence. The calm after the storm. The Man Under The Desk stood up. The New Comer was lying there, asleep, with trails of salt from his tears, stuck to his face. The Unknown Voice had fallen asleep where she lay, and looked cold. The Man No Longer Under The Desk took off his suit jacket and layed it over the woman. Looking around at the office he knew things were bleek.

Thursday, March 01, 2007


A pin prick of light. Imagine. Nothing around it. Just a small pin prick of light. It gets closer. As it closes the distance, it gets bigger. Now it looks big enough that you could hold it in your hand. A small disk. Closer. You can make out vague details, A blur here or there. It seems so close, but when you reach your hand out to touch it, the distance is insurmounably impressed apon you. Slowly it becomes huge. The image before you is hardly a few feet in it's diameter, but it looks so much bigger then that. Closer. You see clouds, Water, and land. Closer. Your view is suddenly full and you can see nothing else; the vast blackness is gone. As you draw near the surface; you are struck with awe at how enourmous it is. Closer. Now you see houses, as if small miniture legos. It gets closer. Now you are standing at the base of one of those legos. The structure in front of you fills your view. You look up and the sky seems so far away. The smallness of yourself consumes you.

Fall out....

Chapter one.
"To order Pizza, or not to order Pizza, that is the temptation."

He sat, breathing heavy. The desk He was crouched under was dusty, and torn. Someone, he didn't know who; anymore, spoke to him.
"That was our last one." The unknown voice said, crouched and peering around a cubical wall. He knew that ment they only had one coppier remaining. They had to do something. They couldn't take much more of this attack. All the maintinance personell had been dead for a long time. Without them things had fallen apart quickly. The equipment was always breaking down and with out somone to fix it, things fell apart quickly. Their paper supplys were running low and were short on ink. The faxers had been the first to go, and then the printers. They had lots of printer ink. They sometimes dreamed of ways of making it work with the coppiers. Then there would be some kind of reprieve from this maddness. A tall man, in a suit too small for his size, dived in to the cubical, as a loud explosion was heard. His suit was raggy, dirty and tattered. His face looked like a man on the brink of falling apart.
"They're all gone."
He said, and then he looked like He was going to cry. The man under the desk qickly reached out and smacked the new commer across the face
"pull yourslef together man!" He said, "We can't loose it now, there's still a chance!".
The new commer looked dumbfounded as he said
"but all the printers are down, the faxes have been out for weeks, we lost our last electric hole punch today, and that explosion you heard was our last electric stapler; what else is left?!" He demanded.
"I thought we already lost the staplers?" The man under the desk asked; curiously.
"We were trying to fix it. Then Bill put too many papers in at once. He was working too fast and got sloppy. Because of it we lost a ream of paper and some pen ink too. Bills gone, he couldn't take anymore. He just....just....." His voice trailed off, as it broke, and the new commer started to sobb. The unknown voice behind the desk finished his sentance for him. "He just.... walked out. I thought you said there was still something left?"
The man under the desk took some time to let it all sink in before answering

Mountian air.

This morning reminds of deep winter.
Riding through mountianous steep roads.
Snow iced to everything;
as I carve paths to my destination.
The chill air bites at my face;
stings my nose;
crisps my lungs;
The steam rises off my breath,
and disapates in the cold.
The chill exertion
and sharp inhale
of falling down hill.
My ride brings me home,
safe, cold, and happy.

My solitude.

There are days when I want to live alone.
Soft music plays in my clean, sterile bachelor pad.
A sparse, clean, empty feeling in every room;
echos the calm peace of my serinity.
My clean car resonates of singledom.
The dried flowers hanging from the window,
remind of breif encounters;
bodys passing in the night.
A dinner here,
a late movie there.
Calm, empty, peace.

It is too lonly here.
It is too messy there.
I do not want to be anywhere.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

The art of the Mind blends with the body.

I see a shimmering light, but then again I don't. Thick jungley forest is all around me. I walk down a dirt path. Some times I find a bridge here. Other times there is no bridge. The bridge is always the same. It is a rope bridge. The planks that make the footings are of wether worn oak. Oak they may be, but their energy is that of bamboo. It always crosses over water. How deep the river is is different, depending. Sometimes it is a mear stream. Other times it is a deep canyon. When the depth is great, the view is expancive. When the depth is great, there is a forest and mountians off in the distance. The walls of the canyon can bee seen droping off turning in to cliffs; not too far away but not too close, comfortable. When the depth is light all is jungle. When there is no bridge the path simply leads along without ituruption. As I make my way a structure comes to view. Some times of stone, other times of wood. When of stone it is like asian stone shrines. Smooth stone pillars and a domed top. When of wood it is like a small hut, with no walls but poles in the corners to support the roof. It always has stairs. 1,2,3 sometimes 4 or 5. In the center is a chest. I draws me to it. Allways seeking it. I open the box. Light is shining everywhere. In the midts of the blinding light is a thick old key. A long shaft and a simple design on the end. The but of the key becomes covered by my hand and often is invisable. As I look at the key, everything around turns to white, dimly though. I feel that I am safe, and warm. I am inside somewhere, but still outside. I am in a room that has no walls no celing or floor. I am standing but do not bother to look at what I am standing on. My focus is on the key. It all fades out. Sometimes I find myself asleep afterward. Sometimes I find myself sitting in nature somewhere. I feel relaxed. Refreshed. Alive. Good. I strech and begin.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007


I met amy in highschool. I can't remember exactly when or where, but my guess is outside the Drama room. She and I have been fairly close. At one point, years ago, we were very close friends. I can't count the number of times I sat in her 'lurkem' crying over this or that. She has been there for me when I needed her, and I have tryed to do the same for her. I know I haven't helped her near as much as she has me. I remember lots of good ol times with her and our other friends.

One year for my 17th birthday she threw me a party. I was with my first girl friend at the time. I was under the wrong impression and thought it had been my gf who threw the party. I had a pretty big apology to make when I was informed it was her. She like part of my family. The part of the family I don't see too often.

More recently we havn't been on the best of terms. I know we don't see eye to eye on many things anymore. WE have both changed. But I will always remember how good she has been to me, and how much I value her friendship.

Sweet Amy.

Yah me!

*opens door* "IT'S SNOWING!" *slams door*

I love the snow. It has even been nice to us. It snows, waits until almost all the snow melts, and then snows again. Spring one day and winter the next! Two of my Three favorite seasons in the same week.

I had a great night last night... minus the headake. :P Today I am happy and full of groggy energy... This means by end of shift all I'll want to do is sleep. :P

Monday, February 26, 2007

Can I...

"Can I borrow your bathroom?"

Just once I want to say: "Where do you pland to take it, and when can I expect it back?"

Birthdays, christmas... I'm not sure wich

Now I know what to get YOU for.....



I have spent alot of time trying to remember why I wake up in the morning. For so long I thought I woke up everyday waiting for some romance to walk in to my life. After Josh died I spent some time thinking about him. I thought about what I would say about him. I thought for a while and found myself in tears remembering what he ment to me, and why.

"It wouldn't be the first time I had contimplated suiside."

Romance. Over the last 4 years Romance was all I found to live for. I had forgotten what highschool was like. I started remembering what I was happy about; back then. I realised that some of those things are still in my life, and I wondered why they weren't enough. It didn't take me time to see the reason. I had chosen not to be close anymore. I got so wrapped up in romantic relationships, that I started putting them before everything else. I allowed all of my time to center around them. Every time I got hurt, I pulled away. Not just from whom ever hurt me, but everyone. With every 'offence' to my heart I became less trusting; of everone. I drew away from anyone on the irrational feeling of 'if she can hurt me, so can anyone else'. It wasn't something I did conciously. I did it with out even realising what I was doing. I just reacted. I am breaking down the barriers I put up. I am remembering those friendships that got me through the hard times. I am pulling away from the drama, and remembering what Life is really all about.

I think it's time we played liverpool...

Friday, February 23, 2007


I don't remember the first time I saw Valkyrie. She more or less phazed in to existance at class. With Razor and Thunder commanding my attention, it took me some time to notice other swordsman. The thing that endured me to so many swordsmen was the way they automatically accepeted me. Because of their nature, in mear months I was already everyones little brother. They took care of me in much the same way. Giveing me rides, food, and putting me up for the night. Aleatha especially.

I don't recall spending so many nights with any of my other friends. For a time I almost lived at her place. There everyday. I would go to work, and then come home, to her place. Thinking back on it, it seems weird. I know now that I was acting on base anmilistic instict. At 'home' I was always terrified, on my guard, and stressed. Aleathas place was one of the 3 places I would go to escape the terror. It was not a concious decision, but an emotional one. I was drawn to the places I felt safe and loved.

Other times I would show up, and we would just sit there complacently watching hour after hour of some movie or anime. It was my safe retreat. Thinking about it now, I think we both needed the escape. To be off in any world other then the one we were in.

I have many fond memories with her. Now we are closer then we ever have been. I am no longer a scared child runing from the bad place. I am free to think and live in reality. I do what I can to understand my friends, and what they are going through.
There are some friends I will feel indebted to for the rest of my life. Like Zeb, Aleatha is one of those people. I do, and would do, anything to help either one of them. Wether in need, or simply bored I would put my self on the line to help them.

Part of my family.

Madam Canadian.... Nympho....Anime Freak. Yep. That about covers it.

How many upper management does it take to run the reception desk?

So I get to work and the receptionist isn't here.

Trying to cover for her are:
The receptionist from the thrid floor,
The assistant director of the building,
and a supervisor from business services.

Between them they have managed to log in to the computer. They have no idea how to work the phone and are all huddled around it looking at it like its some forign object. They are full of questions for me, on how to run the desk, the moment I walk in the door. Doing my best not to laugh I tell them how to turn on the phone.
"That button there."
Now to figure out where meetings are. It's a sheet of paper right in front of them, plain as day. Thankfully the receptionist walked in at that moment, saving me from bursting to laughter. So how many upper management does it take to run the receptiondesk? None. They can't. LMAO....

Thursday, February 22, 2007


I met Zeb for the first time when I was 14. I knew him then as Dark Fury. For a while he was just another swordsman. He has a sence of humor that is hard to miss, or ignore. His kindness and warm heart has always drawn me to him, like few people do.

As I spent more time with him, he became one of the closest people to me. There is a reason I bond with some, and not with others. People change, on the surface. The core, the meaning, the 'spirit' of them never changes. How they percive the world changes, how they react changes. It is the outward appearence and action, not inward, that changes. The drive, modivation, and spirit rarely; if ever; change. Their heart is constant. The change is what most people see. The heart is what people see when they become intimately deeply close. Those who see the heart in me, are those I allow to get close; with only one exception.... With Zeb I have a deep bond, we each see the others heart. The bond I have with him is for life.

When I was living with my parents I was always trying to get out of the house, or stay away from home as long as I could. There were many places I would go, just to stay away. Then there were places I would go, places I never wanted to leave. Those places had an extra special appeal. I felt safe. More then that, I felt loved. Being there was that feeling you get when you wake up in a warm cozy bed. Not to warm not to cold and oh so soft, a place you never want to leave. Leaving those places was like geting out of bed, grudgingly and always hard to do.

There were only 3 places, more the people then the place, like that. Zeb and Leslis' place was always one of them. It was a no brainer when moving in with them became an option. When I had to choose wich one to continue living with, the difference in relationship was factor that made my decision. Lesli was a part of that feeling from back then. She always helped, immensly. It is Zeb that I am close to, but Lesli is a very good friend. She gave much of that cozy, warm, loving feeling. I admire her for that.

Living with them changed things. Things became full of drama and trouble. We all got older, and Life got much harder. Things have changed. Remembering those times.... They are part of the few reasons I have to wake up in the morning.

Things may change. I may find one day that I can not follow him on his life path.
I know that we will always be close. My hope is if the day ever comes where our paths part; that one day they will meet again. Like two wavy lines running paralell. Crossing here and there, running together for great lengths, and every now and then bending out in opisite directions.

May our paths always come together. My Love, My Friend,

Risk management.

RM is a department in the state. They are in charge of making up 'safty' rules, enforcing them, and checking for compliance. Today they are checking our building for compliance. Naturaly we were given notice they were coming so we could become 'compliant' before they get here. Lol. The issue today is a catch 22 situation. The doors are supposed to remain closed 24-7 in the event of a fire. Most of the doors are fire rated and will slow the progress of a fire, giving the fire depo more time to put out the fire, and allowing people more time to get out of the building. However having doors open makes geting people out of the building faster. You would be supprised how many people have to have it spelled out to them before they will close their doors.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

First Duty Assault.

I had my first on duty assault today. Witnesses reported to me that they had been punching eachother as they traveled around the building. By the time I was alearted they were by the main entrance. When I saw them they were agressivly posturing and yelling. By the time I got outside it was violent again. The man saw me and ran. When I asked the woman if she was ok, she threw her shoes at me and ran after him. It's the first time I have ever been assaulted, while on duty. As we had no names, and only vague discriptions, the police were not called. I do not plan to file charges, on the baisis that to do so would be pointless. If we do find out who they are, and my supervisor recommends it, then I will file charges. I am unharmed. The only reason to press charges would be for the sake of attempting to prevent such violence. This is the first incident I have had since the drugs in November. I hope for another 4 months of quiet.


YAY! we got the net back up! *Stupid modem....*

"I'll follow you into the dark."

This is what this song means to me.

Love of mine some day you will die
Someday the love in my heart
will die.

But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
When My Love dies, I will follow.

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
I will not go to a heaven.

Just our hands clasped so tight
Just me and what ever my love has become.

Waiting for the hint of a spark
And I'll wait for whatever comes next.

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If neither heaven or hell want me.

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow my love,
wherever it may take me.

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
Religon is strict
unflexible and unforgiving.

I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
The lady in black, to me,
is the embodyment of the unthinking
easily led 'followers' of blind judgement.

And I held my tongue as she told me
I listen in scilence,

"Son fear is the heart of love"
to all the fear, hatered,
and pain felt twords me.

So I never went back
I left religon and followers
and watched them fade into my past.

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
Although I haven't seen
everything, it is all the same,
"i've seen it all".

And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
My love is tired
and worn out.

The time for sleep is now
"Now" is when my love dies.
Then it will be time
for rest, and sleep.

It's nothing to cry about
Don't be sad,
It is part of life.
Sometimes these things happen.

Cause we'll hold each other soon
Soon love will return.
Like a phenoix from the ashes
I do not know
If it will live again
but it is my hope
that if I, and my love die
that any life to come,
will bring rebirth for me and my love

The blackest of rooms
this place is uncertian
and unknown.

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

3 days of cleaning and relaxation.

I spent a fair amount of time doing notwork work this weekend. Cleaning my room and helping Aleatha with various things were the bulk of the 'work'. I also spent alot of money. :P. In 2 1/2 days I spent almost 100$ on food. Not so bad, had it been groceries. Being it was resturants and novalty/junk food... I should use more restraint. But I enjoyed it. It was a much needed relaxation. Admiditedly I would have liked the whole week off but... :)

I wen't to Rodizio Grill for the first time. It was... interesting, and good. I don't think I will ever go again but it was good. Just not my kind of thing.

The net at home is down. When it does work it's sparatic and fritzy. Girrrr! no more net money for Cori until she gets off her ass and calls the service provider and FIXES THE PROBLEM!

Other wise a very good weekend. Much anime watching and video game playing. I even got some time in to relax with a good friend. :)

I couldn't sleep last night. I went to bed at 1a, but I don't think I got to sleep until 3a. Even then I know I woke up a few times throughout the night. I lay there for hours not sleeping because something was missing. I had this feeling that someone should be in my arms, holding me. I couldn't shake the feeling and so I lay there remembering the people who have filled that role in my life. There are too many. WAY too many. I count one, two, three. Are there more I just don't remember because their 'stay' in my life was so breif? I remember them now and then, but only when something reminds me of them. I need someone stable. Reliable. Someone I can count on. Somone who is 'for keeps'.

This is why I wait.
This is why I have kept my bed empty.
It feels like so long,
since I had anyone in my bed,
holding me,
sharing their warmth,
and their love.
I miss it,
and I know it will be worth the wait.
I will wait for someone who will stay,
or no one at all.
She is worth that much.
Who ever She is.
I know She's out there.
I am just afraid I wont find her.

"It's ok now. You were just tired."

Friday, February 16, 2007

My Choice for an AMV

I want to make a music video of the edited version of this song. It would probably be classified as porn though..... Ooo ooo ooo I know, I'll make an AMV out of it.
*AMV = Anime Music Video- A colague of scenes from various animes set to music. Often using picures that portray the words in the song.

I can show you the world
Shining,shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?

I can open your thighs
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
Now I'm in a whole new world with you

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be

A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment red-letter
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you

A whole new world
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me

Son of a!!!!

MY TOE!!!!! I kicked the #@$*#&! Guns lock box last night. It took a pice of my toe nail and gouged my toe!!!

In better news my room is *dun da da dun* CLEAN!! I finaly cleaned the mess that insued after the chaos involving my new bed. I like the new look and feel of my room. There is the minor detail of being a bit cramped, but it was cramped in the first place. I still have a few bags of 'stuff' that I need to sort through. I have to figure out what is trash and where to put the things that aren't trash... *du du dunn* I also didn't realise how much laundry I am in need of doing..... :P

Tonights task... Fixing the computer.... I don't know whats wrong but the internet suddenly stoped working. It works on the other computers in the house, but not mine. The cables are all hooked up and everything, and the software seems to be properly configured so I think I may have a virus. Ulg....

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Planes Dates and life

After looking at both choices I have decided to look in to piloting for Civilian Freight. It satisfys my desires better then the military and better then passanger transport.

On the dating note. I am not sure what to do. Chase is right. If I am not forcing love to be in my life then I am forcing love out of my life. I need to stop 'worring about it and just let things happen. I'm not very good at that. I always have to be in control, or have a plan. It's going to be hard, but I'm gona try. :)

This weekend I get a whole 3 day weekend. No work. No obligations. Nothing. I am tempted to go camping or something. I don't know though. :)

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Oh and one more thing....

Ok I just added the new music player to the page. The post with the song will now be in 'older posts' somewhere. Lets see if I can get it to 'auto start'. So far the code is giving me trouble and I can't get it to do what I tell it to. :P well see.....

[Edit] Ok so no AutoStart and No Repeat. Its up to you *points finger at you* for now....

Spring rolls part 2.

Oh ya. I was sooooo comfy this morning. That feeling where you can feel the snuggly blankets draping over your body; and you just want to go back to sleep. Not because your tired but because your so comfy. mmmmm ya...

Spring rolls, and The WWN

I got 10 hours of sleep, had Jamba Juice for breakfast and I have Sushi Spring Rolls for lunch. I have a "morning paper" to read: "The Weekly World News". It is the only 'tabloid' that I will read, lmao. It is a good morning. I got a text message wishing me a happy Valintines Day. It was all I could do to keep from writing back "happy Singles Awareness Day". Later I had trouble not writing "happy 'V'-day". Don't ask it's probably TMI. It has been a good day. I hope it keeps up. :P

Tuesday, February 13, 2007


You finish dinner and pay your bill. You walk out and head for the parking structure. As you near your car you hear a gun shot. As you turn twords the sound, you get hit."

Still want to go out tonight? I don't. More justification of my lack of trust for people. They can do the most vicious things, and seemingly without cause. In the next 5 years I plan to be in a different carieer then my current field. That will mean I will no longer have a sidearm. I am now serously considering a consealed weapons permit and purchasing my own pistol. If something like this can happen in Salt Lake, then it can happen anywhere.

Sleep and the lack there of....

I haven't slept too well the last few days. After a good nights rest last night I reread some of those posts. WOW. I actually didn't remember writing some of it. Now thats sleep depravation. It was like reading some of it for the first time.

Thank you Syhalla. I agree. Although those were written while I was somewhat less then coherent, they still said what I was feeling. I do love her, and She does make me feel safe. However, a relationship with the Anjuli that I know now is not something I want. She is still so messed up. There is a 'front' that looks as though she has grown. However it is little more then a forced facade. The people around her are pushing and trying to force her to change, and she doesn't want to. So she puts on a show for them so that they will shut up. I saw throught it almost too easily :P. Until she decides to change it won't happen. Geting over her pain has to be her decision. She is still the same kid I dated a few years ago. I won't be "going back" to that. She will have to become a stable and mature member of seociety, before I ever consider anything with her again.

Anjuli did bring up a good point to me though. I am still trying to force love in my life. *sigh* To quote Vash "you were just tired.". I got lonly and let it get to me. It is time I relaxed and stoped struggling and trying so hard. I will focus on my carieer and stop worrying about my "love life". Time to remember the 'modo' of this blog....

Monday, February 12, 2007

Warm dream....


*looks over*

"He must be really worn out."

"He's been taking alot of things pretty hard."

"I figured as much, he did start talking to you again; after all."


"He talks to you more then me. Hows He holding up?"

"I'm not really sure, but not good. He's seen me 3 times this week!"

"Wow. Thats not good."

"Your telling me."

Am I really so self centered.
I want me to be happy.
I want them to be happy too.
Them happy makes me happy.
But them happy doesn't take away the empty.
Is it so selfish to want something too...


Pizza is the soulution. Ok it was really just having any food. I feel a bit better now... at least I have stoped hyperventalating. My leg is bouncing at super speed though. I need to tell her tonight. I don't know if it will help but I have to try. I can't keep breaking like this... Why does it have to be so complicated? I shouldn't go through all this trouble for a girl who hurt me before... but I have never met someone who makes me feel this way. When She's around I feel safe. Like no matter what happens, it will be ok. I feel loved around her. I love her. I have never met anyone else who has ever made me feel that way. She is worth it. The question is am I to her.......

D2 cntd...

Now my mucles are akey. And my head is screaming for pain killers. So I had this hope. It was all I had. The last of it. The one thing that kept me waking up. The one think that keeps me going. And now its gone. I am loosing it. Josh is gone, and I just slipped of the end of my rope. I need to meditiate. I need.... I need her to.... no I want her to hold me. I want her to love me. I love her , Am I so arrogent? Why am I so intent that she loves me? I know that she doesnt' but I can't convince myself of that. I was holding on to that, It woke me up in the morning and rocked me to sleep at night, Now shes gone. There's part of my heart she takes with her, its the last part.... I can't do this any moe,......

Day 2

It is now Monday. I woke up saturday around 10A and I went to bed Sunday around 3a and woke up around 9a. I have yet to go to sleep... I have only eaten a small sandwitch and some junk food, from the wake, since Saturday. I am hungry but I can't eat. I am tired but I can't sleep. On the bright side this means I will be loosing some of the fat that surrounds my middle. :P Its odd. Everything seems to echo in a distant far away kind of way. Everything seems so continued and real, yet hazy and groggy. I expect it will be day 3 or 4 before I sleep again.... Ah insomnia the old familiar feeling... "bring back that lovin feelin, wo ooo that lovein feelin bring back that lovin feelin cause its gone gone gone wo oowo."

This time I can't eat either. I feel sick, and vomitous but I am starving. I am not sure if I am refusing sleep and food or if I just cant stand it. I am typing at 900mph and my leg won't stop bouncing up and down. A voice is SCREAMING inside my head that I need to let go.... I need to give up. I need to rest, I need ........

I don't want to give up. I am not ready!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! F**(^*#@ I am sooo frustrated. I want to spend the day crying. I wand to scream at the top of my lungs and just keep screaming until my lungs burst. I can't stand it any more. I I I....I am going to breath. And now I am going to do my job and pretend that nothing is wrong...........

Friday, February 09, 2007

Good bye my Friend.

I admired Josh from the first time we met. I met him for the first time at Sword class. He was on leave from the Army. He did an endurance match against everyone in the circle. He won against all of us. He then returned to finish his tour of duty.

Five years ago He came home, met and started dating a close friend of mine. After sometime I was informed that things between them were... well, Joshauas promiscuity is no secret.

"To defeat your enemy you must first know them so well, that you love them for the same reasons they love themselves."

I have always taken this to heart. So I got close to Josh. I learned everthing I could about him, in hopes that if or when the time came; I could protect my friend. My sucess in the matter is negligable. She made her own choices and things went the way She chose to go. When I learned about him his past hit closer to home then I had antisipated. I had not expected his "grumpy man story" to remind me so much of my own life. He did not choose to share that story openly in life, and I will not betray that in His death. His ordeals were much more intense then my own, but it was easy for me to relate to him.

He spent his life much the way I have. Trying to find a good laugh to keep his spirits up.

"so this guy walks in to a talent agents office"

I have never been close to many people. Anjuli is the top of that list. Zeb, Aleatha and Josh tie for second. That list just got shorter.

Good bye my friend. Good bye my love. I will miss you.


"so long and thanks
for all the fish"

Joshaua Kelm, 26

Passed away Febuary 4, 2007 in
West Valley City, Utah.

Born September 21, 1980 in
Salt Lake City, Utah.

Son of Roger and Gloria Levinson Kelm.
Survived by sister Deborah Leeflang
and nephew Kaleb Doherty.

Memorial servives will be held
Saturday Febuary 10, 2007 2:00 P.M.
A private event.

A celebratory wake will be held
Sunday Febuary 11, 2007 5:00 P.M.
At the State Fair Grounds "Zions Building",
1000 W. 155 N. Salt Lake City, Utah.
A Public event.

In lieu of flowers,
donations may be made at
Zions Bank in Joshaua Kelms Name.

Qualitys and...

I have never met anyone like you.
I have known you for years
You stand out in my heart, and my mind.
I love you.
You hold my hope.
You hold my love.
I would follow you to the end.
What do I need to change?
How do I find your love...
How can I stop the shedding of innocent tears?
All those years, burn in my heart.
They echo in my head.
I was a fool not to see ahead.
Impatience killed me.
Death consumes me.
The burning fire of pain fills my eyes,
and scorches my heart.
To have come so far,
to fall.
My body is weak.
I grow weary.
Hope is a glint in my memorie.
I reach for it

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Day dream escape.

The sun is up. A cool breze is blowing.... I am lost in the hills. Fresh cold air nips at my face. Soon the air is rushing up at me wipping my face and hair. I can feel the adrinaline rushing through my body, like cool watter coating my stomach. It surges through my veigns and makes me alive. I slow and feel my lungs pumping hard. The sun shines down and I start to sweat. I relish in the feeling and pump the pedals harder. The trail twists and turns and I feel my insides lean to each side, with each new curv. My stomach catches in my throat as a sudden drop sends me speeding down a new hill. I regain my composure and use the new serge to hasten me along the way. Burning mucles, scorched throat and exhasted, I slow and stop under some shade. Cool water sooths my throat and my ears ring in the sudden silence. I can hear everything. The wind blowing, birds chirping. Bugs moving around buzzing, chirping, and creeping. The dirt brushes up in the wind and floats back down the trail. Slight dust and moist air fill my lungs. My eyes are filled with the blueness of the sky. My mind is in awe of the whiteness of the clouds. I take it all in, soaking it up like love from a lover. Refreshed I move on, racing to soak up all that I can. The faster I move the more I see. The more I soak up. There is so much I could never get it all in. I move faster....

Love, Life, Pain, Death, Anger 100

100th post.

I really need to stop watching "Battle Star Glactica". One of the main characters keeps reopening old pains. I may as well poor salt on an open wound, rather then keep watching it. Sadly I am enthralled by the movie now and want to watch it all the way through. On the bright side I am on season 2, and 3 isn't on dvd yet.

I have a vague rummor that the wake will be Sunday around 5p. Nothing is set in stone yet, but that seems to be the general idea.

I could keep writing but I know that I would just write more uselss crap, :P. Night all!

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

In the midst of fog and pain....

For those whom havn't noticed, when I am emotinal at work I write here... alot. I feel better 'talking' here. Its the thing that helps the best when I can't get away, and can't be visibily emotional. I am split. I am greaving for all the shit that has piled up on me. Hoever I am more wrapped up in Anjuli then I have 2 1/2 years. I suppose I am falling on the support of the only person I feel safe enough around. Safe enough to break down; that is. I feel soo good when she holds me, and comforts me. I know that is what I have been waiting for, looking for, and wanting in my life. That is what was missing from Michelle. That is what I crave. It is the one thing that I can not do with out in a relationship. It is also the hardest thing to find. I don't know many people who have that quality. In fact, she is the only person who has ever made me feel that way. It has been something that I have always looked for in someone. I found it in her. That is why I was willing to stick through all the shit, all the abuse, and everything else. I think I would die for someone like that. I know I would. I just hate being cheeezzzy like that. I want to keep writing all day. In my head it feels like if I write all day, that I won't want to, or feel the need to call or talk to Anjuli. I feel like I will be ok if I just keep putting my feelings down. It's gettin too hot in here so I think I will go for a walk......

" comes the pain again falling on my head like a new emotion..."

A little dramatic, I know. I spent time with Anjuli again last night. I was planing to wait until Friday to deal with Joshauas death, but then I broke down during the show last night... I sat there with her holding me for over an hour. Then I made certian to crush any hopes I had of 'me and her' ever again. Then we watched Eddie Izzard, my first time ever seeing him for myself. Sometime after 3a I finaly went to bed. I took her home this morning on my way to work. Everything seems to keep piling up. Every time I break down there is one more thing on the list, and I feel too heavy. I feel too weary. I walk through this life and wonder 'if every joy I find, turns to pain, then why is it worth it?'. I have another 4 14h days ahead of me. then I get a reprieve with a 6h day on sat. I don't want to hold on to Anjuli. I am afraid last night won't be the last time I ask of her help this week. Josh is the sraw that breaks this cammels back. This, and then back in September, and then the other part of September, and last Febuary, and August of 05, and Febuary of that year, and my parents the december before that, and August before that, and and and and...

I have let so much of it build up. It swept by me so fast that I had touble keeping up. Last night...

GAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! And now it is compleet. Miriam on Sunday. Anjuli every day this week, and NOW MICHELLE!!!!!! *R%&#$^%*#$&^@#*$!@$(!@^$(@#*%^*!@#^$*!@^%*!@%^*(@!#^%^*@#$&@&* Just what I need. *breath, must breath....*

...Last night it all crashed down on me. All the things I thought I had taken in stride, just exploded. Poor Anjuli, her arm was soaked by the time I could talk again. I don't think I am going to get through the week on my own. I hate to ask it of her, and I hate needing to rely on someone even more, but I don't think I can afford not to. A man carrying a gun and crying would not go over too well. *breath, breath, breath,

Monday, February 05, 2007

Life of mine...

I spend a lot of time thinking about my life. I think about why I feel the way I do. Why my life is the way it is. How I want it to be. How to get it there. I think about the kind of impact I want to make in the lives of those who know me. I spend all this time thinking, and in the end I seem to fail, in most of these, more often then not. I try, I think it through. No matter how hard I try or how solid my thinking seems to be, too often it seems that I miss something; or didn't anticipate something. I keep trying, because the few times that things suceed give me hope. That hope is all that drives me. Every day now, it seems, that hope is my bright spot. The one thing that can keep me smiling. It gets hard to keep my spirits up. It gets very hard, and more often then I'd like to admit. I used to express myself to the world. Let anyone who wanted to look, see anything they tried to see. Wether it was my body, mind or heart, I tried to be an open book. The other day I found myself uncomfortable with being seen. It has been a long time since I felt uncomfortable with being seen. So long that I don't remember the last time I felt it. It wasn't that I didn't like me. It is that it has become almost instinct, or reflex. When you get burned, you pull away from what ever is burning you. It's the same here. I am afraid more and more every day. The longer I stay in this perpetually dragging life, the harder it is to 'stay awake'. I think of ways to be happy. I think of what makes me happy. I must be missing something, because every time I try something that used to make me happy; it back fires. I am holding on to my latest trial. I am afraid to... to what? I don't know how to say it. I am afraid to believe that it will make me happy. I am terrified that it will just blow up in my face, like everything else.

I have almost everything I could need. Now that I don't need much, the little I still ake for seems painfully clear. 13% chance. Thats what harvards(?) test says is the chance I will die of lonlyness. It is the number 3 most likely way I will die. I don't know how much stock I put in that, but it explains how I feel. I feel my body slowing down.

TMI alert.-->

I haven't had the desire to be sexually satisfied in more then a month. (not to say I haven't been arroused)I have my methods for accomplishing this, however it helps keep things clear; the way I hoped it would.
I find that more and more I want to be held. To hold someone. I see certian people in a different light. I can't say that what I now see is very inspiring. It is almost a bit defeating.

"Fear is when the brightest light is not at the end of a tunnel, but instead holds the face of empty abiss."~


I'm listning
to all the pain

but I can't see
why it all has to happen.

I hear
*and understand why

but can't feel the hate.
but it makes no sense. the pain caused is simply returned.

Feel and I fall.
I break, and start to hate

It's death and ice here now.
I know this path will only lead to pain.

And I hear a voice
the voice of hope

And I call your name.
you hold all my hope.

But no one is there.
I reach for you, and find nothing.

And never was there.
It was just my fantasy.

I am asleep.
this must be a dream

with all this pain.
does my hope exist?

and as I am dreaming
I fantasize and imagine that my hearts desire, exists.

I start to wake

My hope fades with the dream

Its calling me home
my heart akes to be back in that world of dreams

I can't escape the familiar heart ake

and yearn for that dream to be made true

Joshaua Kelm.

Day: Febuary 2(3?), 2007;
Time: Between 4 P.M. Friday night, and sometime saturday morning.
Cause: Self induced drug over dose.

His parents found him Saturday morning with a syrange still in his hand.
A group of his friends gathered together yesterday, for comfort and support.
A wake is being planned for sometime in the next two weeks.
There is also the posibility of a viewing later this week.
I will post more information as I receve it.

Medical evidence of cancer has yet to be found. However proof is anxiously antisipated.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Comedy Central.

I just found my new favorite web site.

Anjuli, and then there WAS Josh.

Well I decided not to worry too much about talking to her. I will talk to her about it, the same way I talk to a friend about something. Let her know whats going on with me. Then just be me, and let her be her. If things work out, however they work out, then they do. If not then they don't.

I got a message from Josh this morning. He said good bye.

For anyone who didn't already know, he has... or would that be had?.... terminal cancer. If/when I know, about services, I will post here.

Thursday, February 01, 2007


Am I seriously thinking about this!?!?! We talked until 7a last friday night. After a while she lay next to me on the floor. Out of habbit, and shear impulse, I ran my hand down her back; in a soothing way. I froze the moment I realised what I had done. She didn't. She didn't even seem to mind. I found myself thinking about her all week. I want her to know how I feel but I don't think its time yet. I don't know why but it just doesn't feel right to tell her how I feel. How I still feel. I know that I will talk to her agin this weekend. No plans with her yet. I know that if I don't ask to see her, somehow it will happen any way. Its weird. I have 'fallen in love' since her. A few times even. Yet she still seems to blow them all away. Despite everything that has happened. Despite all the pain and horrible things in our past. I still want to heal. I still want to be her friend again. I still want.... one far away day ... to be her lover. I want alot of things. I can't possibly know what is in side her head; if I don't ask. If I do ask how she feels.... I risk alot. I risk hurting her, I have no idea how she will take it. I risk loosing the loose friendship we have rebuilt. I am torn. I want her to be a part of my live in a big way. I also love seeing her happy. It feels different to be around her. There is still the same pain that radiates from her; but it's happier somehow. I don't want to mess with that. I am afraid that being more then a friend to her.... I feel like she isn't ready right now. I don't want to rush it. I am also afraid that if I don't become a bigger part of her life soon, that I will loose her... somehow. I also have a life decidion. I need to know if I should stay in Utah. I have friends I will miss, but nothing that would keep me here, but her. It makes a difference in what I decide for school/ carrieer. I am so mixed up. My head is spinning. I don't know what to do. It's all starting to swirl around and mix up. None of it makes sence in my head. Its like watching a tornado. Now and then you see something you recognise pass the surface of the funnel, But the rest is just a blur. I need to talk to her, slowly, so I can make sence of all this.

*Am I seroiously thinking this? Do I really want to take this risk? How can I be thinking this, saying this?*

I keep having moments where I loose all reason and just want to rush to her and blurt out everthing on my mind, without care or concern for the past we had. I keep wanting to treat this as though nothing was wrong between us. *Sigh*