Seriously.

Am I seriously thinking about this!?!?! We talked until 7a last friday night. After a while she lay next to me on the floor. Out of habbit, and shear impulse, I ran my hand down her back; in a soothing way. I froze the moment I realised what I had done. She didn't. She didn't even seem to mind. I found myself thinking about her all week. I want her to know how I feel but I don't think its time yet. I don't know why but it just doesn't feel right to tell her how I feel. How I still feel. I know that I will talk to her agin this weekend. No plans with her yet. I know that if I don't ask to see her, somehow it will happen any way. Its weird. I have 'fallen in love' since her. A few times even. Yet she still seems to blow them all away. Despite everything that has happened. Despite all the pain and horrible things in our past. I still want to heal. I still want to be her friend again. I still want.... one far away day ... to be her lover. I want alot of things. I can't possibly know what is in side her head; if I don't ask. If I do ask how she feels.... I risk alot. I risk hurting her, I have no idea how she will take it. I risk loosing the loose friendship we have rebuilt. I am torn. I want her to be a part of my live in a big way. I also love seeing her happy. It feels different to be around her. There is still the same pain that radiates from her; but it's happier somehow. I don't want to mess with that. I am afraid that being more then a friend to her.... I feel like she isn't ready right now. I don't want to rush it. I am also afraid that if I don't become a bigger part of her life soon, that I will loose her... somehow. I also have a life decidion. I need to know if I should stay in Utah. I have friends I will miss, but nothing that would keep me here, but her. It makes a difference in what I decide for school/ carrieer. I am so mixed up. My head is spinning. I don't know what to do. It's all starting to swirl around and mix up. None of it makes sence in my head. Its like watching a tornado. Now and then you see something you recognise pass the surface of the funnel, But the rest is just a blur. I need to talk to her, slowly, so I can make sence of all this.

*Am I seroiously thinking this? Do I really want to take this risk? How can I be thinking this, saying this?*

I keep having moments where I loose all reason and just want to rush to her and blurt out everthing on my mind, without care or concern for the past we had. I keep wanting to treat this as though nothing was wrong between us. *Sigh*