"....here comes the pain again falling on my head like a new emotion..."

A little dramatic, I know. I spent time with Anjuli again last night. I was planing to wait until Friday to deal with Joshauas death, but then I broke down during the show last night... I sat there with her holding me for over an hour. Then I made certian to crush any hopes I had of 'me and her' ever again. Then we watched Eddie Izzard, my first time ever seeing him for myself. Sometime after 3a I finaly went to bed. I took her home this morning on my way to work. Everything seems to keep piling up. Every time I break down there is one more thing on the list, and I feel too heavy. I feel too weary. I walk through this life and wonder 'if every joy I find, turns to pain, then why is it worth it?'. I have another 4 14h days ahead of me. then I get a reprieve with a 6h day on sat. I don't want to hold on to Anjuli. I am afraid last night won't be the last time I ask of her help this week. Josh is the sraw that breaks this cammels back. This, and then back in September, and then the other part of September, and last Febuary, and August of 05, and Febuary of that year, and my parents the december before that, and August before that, and and and and...

I have let so much of it build up. It swept by me so fast that I had touble keeping up. Last night...

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GAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! And now it is compleet. Miriam on Sunday. Anjuli every day this week, and NOW MICHELLE!!!!!! *R%&#$^%*#$&^@#*$!@$(!@^$(@#*%^*!@#^$*!@^%*!@%^*(@!#^%^*@#$&@&* Just what I need. *breath, must breath....*
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...Last night it all crashed down on me. All the things I thought I had taken in stride, just exploded. Poor Anjuli, her arm was soaked by the time I could talk again. I don't think I am going to get through the week on my own. I hate to ask it of her, and I hate needing to rely on someone even more, but I don't think I can afford not to. A man carrying a gun and crying would not go over too well. *breath, breath, breath,