Life of mine...

I spend a lot of time thinking about my life. I think about why I feel the way I do. Why my life is the way it is. How I want it to be. How to get it there. I think about the kind of impact I want to make in the lives of those who know me. I spend all this time thinking, and in the end I seem to fail, in most of these, more often then not. I try, I think it through. No matter how hard I try or how solid my thinking seems to be, too often it seems that I miss something; or didn't anticipate something. I keep trying, because the few times that things suceed give me hope. That hope is all that drives me. Every day now, it seems, that hope is my bright spot. The one thing that can keep me smiling. It gets hard to keep my spirits up. It gets very hard, and more often then I'd like to admit. I used to express myself to the world. Let anyone who wanted to look, see anything they tried to see. Wether it was my body, mind or heart, I tried to be an open book. The other day I found myself uncomfortable with being seen. It has been a long time since I felt uncomfortable with being seen. So long that I don't remember the last time I felt it. It wasn't that I didn't like me. It is that it has become almost instinct, or reflex. When you get burned, you pull away from what ever is burning you. It's the same here. I am afraid more and more every day. The longer I stay in this perpetually dragging life, the harder it is to 'stay awake'. I think of ways to be happy. I think of what makes me happy. I must be missing something, because every time I try something that used to make me happy; it back fires. I am holding on to my latest trial. I am afraid to... to what? I don't know how to say it. I am afraid to believe that it will make me happy. I am terrified that it will just blow up in my face, like everything else.

I have almost everything I could need. Now that I don't need much, the little I still ake for seems painfully clear. 13% chance. Thats what harvards(?) test says is the chance I will die of lonlyness. It is the number 3 most likely way I will die. I don't know how much stock I put in that, but it explains how I feel. I feel my body slowing down.

TMI alert.-->

I haven't had the desire to be sexually satisfied in more then a month. (not to say I haven't been arroused)I have my methods for accomplishing this, however it helps keep things clear; the way I hoped it would.
I find that more and more I want to be held. To hold someone. I see certian people in a different light. I can't say that what I now see is very inspiring. It is almost a bit defeating.

"Fear is when the brightest light is not at the end of a tunnel, but instead holds the face of empty abiss."~