Babys

On a side note there is a new baby in the office. Everyone gathered around to give congradulations. In the abstract its kind of like saying "oh look, you had sex, isn't that cute?" It cracks me up.. lol... :)

Corrections

I apologyse. I have been reminded that I have had another drinking episode in the last month. things have been so hecktic that it slipped my mind. lol and I have also been corrected it was not a massuse, it was a therapst(?).

On to today. So after she told me she was clean I told her what really happened. That it was a urinary tract infetion that I got from what we did, more when we did it then what. She retorted that it must be magic that I got something from her when she is clean. LMAO! last time I checked clean is not a word I would use to describe a womans period. For the love of.... something. Come on. I will bend and strech, but that is a bit to far of a streach. She may not have an std but that doesn't remove the bactira from her body...

Ok *let it go*

So I talked to JB last night. We had a... Long talk. For the first time in 2 years I have at least an idea of why certian people are upset with me. Long story short I now know what I need to do to make nice with people... if it is possible at all.

This conversation also brought up something from my past that I had forgotten about. Those who know me know that my childhood was... difficult. My parents, myself and some of my siblings did things we aren't proud of. It would seem that I have not delt with this part of my child hood yet. When JB reminded me of it, it caught me off guard. I hadn't thought about it, in years. If I want to fix things with some people then I am going to have to deal with that part of my past. Those are thoughts I haven't had to think about... and they hurt so bad to remember. I almost want to turn away from this path before I start down it. I could stop. Right now I could decide not to go through with it. I have excuses I could use. But I won't. I need to face myself.

So.. my week of 72ish hours just got longer...

Frayed nerves

Coppy machine is too loud. Kids are screaming. Music is playing. A vacume blares. I am thoughly anoyed and geting close to loosing it and screaming myself.!!!! GIrrrrrrrrr!!!!

Many a woman.. so few o time...

Due to the move, our net at home is down for a while and I can't check myspace at work. So I found a chance over the weekend. I have messages from not one but 2 ex'es and an old friend turned enemy. I will have to find more time somewhere but it seems that out of the 3 one of them might be interested in being friends again. My most recent also finaly wrote me via txt message that she is clean. We also had a short conversation trying to talk about what happened. It went the same way all our fights went...

I had an.... an... the weekend was chock full of.... Ok well I went through alot of my stuff and threw alot of it out. Trouble is that there is still a lot more to go through. Namely the sentamintal items from my last relationship. Its hard to keep some of those things... but its harder to throw them out. I think its because I haven't let go. I need to, I need to let go and live in the present, not the past. Well I took a break from sorting things in to trash, keep, and t.b.d. and went to hang with some friends. They hired a massauge therapst to come and do a few 15m sessions. I also recieved a self heating massauge heart. You activate it and it heats up for 30m then you boil it to reset it. After the massuse we all got facials. I have never had one in my life... and it seems that every one else enjoyed them a lot more. They all said they were relaxing and felt good, I could barley feel anything. Maybe my skin is too rough. The night went on and we watched a movie or two, ordered takeout and had few beers. I actually had a beer. I have never in my life downed a whole beer without gaging. It was a pumpkin ail and it was almost soothing. It is the only alcohol I have had in a few months. After this night of relaxation and good company I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach. Its the same feeling I get when I do something I find moraly repulsive. Yet I couldn't find any reason to feel that way. After a good shower and a brisk and early moring drive I felt alot better. On the way to work it was nice. I am feeling good again, and more often. I often seem to come away from that group of friends feeling better, I should find more time for them in my life, or rather hope they have time for me in theirs. lol. Well I have droned on long enough today. I have a new book to read a few ideas for new songs to write and good feelings to work on. I also have to change the gas and electric at the apartment over to my name.

This whole thing has been like cutting out an infected secion of skin. The infection has spread in to my blood stream, and now I have to root out it out and nurse it back to health. It hurts. The pain is mentaly blinding at times. My hope is that in the end I will be happier for it. *sigh* one step at a time.

Hour 58

I have logged 58 hours at work this week, so far. 75 hours last week, plus 19 hours last week that I devoted to moving. Not to mention the, total, 5 hours of time I spent waiting between jobs. Making a total 94 hours of labor last week. (on the topic of more usless information, that leaves 56 hours of sleep and 16 hours spent geting showering, commuting, eating etc...) This week I will reach a minimum of 82 hours of work time. I also plan to spend sunday unpacking and doing laundry. With any luck my evening off on monday will be spent enjoying a "clean" and "new" apartment. :) Whew! and another 2 weeks of this! There is good news though. The next 2 weeks I will only be working 68 to 76 hours total. It also keeps me distracted from stuff. In addition all this work means that I will be out of debt as of friday. Hopefully by years end I will have enough money in the bank to buy a new car, if the need arises. There by staying out of debt in the first place. :)

Smiles go miles

So last night I told one of my fellow crew that someone else would be covering for me for one of the performances. He responded by telling me she could only do the show, if she did it topless. So long story short, Syhalla, Ken says hi.

In other news. Just how weak can my will power get!?!?! I tell myself that I am not going to do the whole sex thing untill I am with someone long enough to become comfortable with them. Yet here I am considering it. So the woman who works some of the "special effects" for the show has caught my interest. You could cut the sexuall tention around her with a knife. She isn't puting out, persay, but the cloud of feramones that surrounds her seem to linger in my sensory perseption untill fall asleep at the end of the night. Hearing that someone has a kid, usually is a big turn of for me. That is to say that if they have a kid I loose all interest in anything outside of sex. So normally nothing happens with such. However with her, even though she has a kid, I am still interested in more then sex. The more in depth I think about it, the more cautious I am. Normally I would say to hell with it all and ask her to dinner. However I am going to do my best to use restraint and try to make a friend first. Then if things pan out great. If not then I'll have a new friend. The hardest part is going to be keeping my sexuall "urges" in check. If I can keep my head clear and focused then I should be ok. :) We shall see if I still have the skills I honed in highschool.....

Song...

I woke up feeling dead. Ok more like so weary that I felt like I had just woken from the dead. By the time I was out of the shower I was feelin pretty glum. Out of no where I started blaming myself for everthing that happened, with M. Then I would tell myself it wasn't my fault and back and forth, untill I got in my car. I was listening to the most uplifting music I could think of. Then I got the urge to sing one of my own songs. Normally this song is depressing, but for some reason it spoke how I felt this morning and made me feel better.



Falling in to darkness.


Im lisntening,
but I can't see.
I hear but can't feel the hate.
Feel and I fall,
its death and ice here now.
and I hear a voice,
and I call your name,
but nothing is there
And never was there.
nd I go to sleep,
in so much pain
and as I am dreaming
dreaming
its calling me home,
always
home.


Im so scared,
please help me.
Help won't move,
and it burns like fire.
nd I hear a voice,
and I call your name
but no one is there
and never is there.
and now I am falling
falling
oh
falling
falling so far away.


Watch don't see.
Speak don't hear me.
You fall
and now you know
I am the pain
and none can
hear
me.
so hear me now,
I'm all thats left.
Shadows of pain,
and echos of memories
they follow me here.


watch don see
shadows of pain
echos of memories
pulling me down
soooo
darkness comes.

FH

To the core

So after a long week, of no day off and doubble shifts every day, I can say that at the heart of things I am still pretty happy. Not extatic but happy. Ken, my co-worker at the theatre, mentioned something that gave me renewed viligance in getting back to school. He brought up the idea of geting, not just a carpenters licence, but a remodelers licence and to take some schooling in relastate. Then, if I were to do this, I could buy a cheep o' fixer. Fixer, and renter out. Then do it a few more times, have a steady income, and be doing something I love. :) Admitedly it would be prefferable if this was done as a team of workers... hum.... :)

Signs of wear

So in my attempts to be happy while single, I am finding it more difficult then making a relationship work. I think that is because I have worked on those skills more then the skills I need to have to be happy while single. So I think it would be a good idea to think about what I need to do to make sure I am happy. This involves getting more sleep so I can think, lol. Give it a month then maybe I'll be awake enough to get in to the philosophy(s) of how to be happy. :)

New Place!

I am moved in! Yay! My third residnce since moving out of my parents house and so... I bought my first piece of real furnature... a tv stand. lol. The place looks awsome! Ok not so much the place as it is how the place looks with us in it. It's quite messy, as we just moved in yesterday. I won't get to do any more unpacking or anything else untill sat afternoon or maybe even sunday so my room is gona be messy for quite a while. The bow flex is also in my room... ya... um I think I may have to arrange to put it in Joshauas storage for him.... And the VIEW!!! Every morning we get to wake up to this pond! and the trees and the ducks and oh so sweet. It almost reminds me of sleeping at liberty.... *smiles* except sleeping here is a lot warmer this time of year.. lol :) I am having mood swings with a vengance. During the course of a day I am happy sad, semi suisidal, angry, and empty. Some days I am over all happy, some days I over all feel like crap, but nothing too bad. I don't know if things are looking up, but things definatly aren't looking down. :) I have decided that I need to do some non serious dating. Just go have some fun romancing someone. Keep it light and friendly, well I think I still need to wait a while before I actually go looking for a date, still need to settle down and recover a bit. Still plan to stay single, I think I just need to have some kind of out let for all my "romantic energy". Just a little something to get me out of the house and feel good. Not too often, maybe one or two times a month just enough to keep my "skills" from getting "rusty" lol. I am also reconsidering joining the army. It would make me some good money and get me a good reference for a nice job as a "glorified security guard" with the Salt Lake County Police Department. It would be about what I am doing now, but for the state, and with benifets. The biggest risk involved would be death. I would most likely end up in the middle east right after joining so.... But if there is one thing I am proficent at, much to my dismay, its fighting. I can shoot well enough and I am good at combat menuvers. I think I could last long enough to get in and out with out too much injury. Well we shall see. I have been kinda back and forth about it for the last two years now so its either time to stop considering it and move on or to just do it. It is qute tempting.... Well back to work..

Journal review...

After reading my journal, I find that after I get suisidal I spend the next few days having a hard time geting back on to a happy train of thought. The autumn air helps, but today the air is stale. Not the fresh refreshing autumn wind. This time of year always makes me happy. It is the time of year when most of my best relationships started. That makes sense, when I am happiest I am most attractive. :) It is also when some of my best memories of friends are. Working RPHH, Sword in the winter!, so many cold nights, staying warm in the company of the warm hearts of my good friends. It is a good time of year, and a good time in my life. I need a good night, I think sat will do it. Sat night I will make sure that I am happy and ready to move in to my new life at a new place. Everything changes on Sunday. I make my clean break of a manotonus life, and start my Arts, workout rutine, etc... :) Good times.

Dreamscape....

In my dreams I tend to be with some old flame. I always wake from those dreams in the middle of the night to see if I realy am dreaming. This morning I woke at 4am to find myself holding my tedy bear. Once the morning progresses I remember why I am single, and why I am going to enjoy being single. It used to be that when I was single, I was missrable about being single. Then when I would be with someone I would be missrable about how they treated me; as if they didn't care about me at all. "Just another pice of meat", or someone to use. I find that trying to be happy single takes a lot of work. I never realy thought about it. In a relationship you have to work at it and its hard sometimes. I suppose I always thought that being single and happy was suposed to be easy. I just never tryed it. I have always tryed to be happy with someone, not just to be happy. Days like today are the most dagerous. They could go either way, that grey zone. Could be happy or sad, I'll know better once I am more awake, but I am going to make it a happy one. I just have to remember.. I found my happy thought. :) *big grinn*

Some favorite songs....

Today is feeling better. I am almost fully packed. Sunday is going to be hard. When I unpack it becomes time to throw away anything I no longer need... that means deciding what memoribilia of her to keep(stored away ofcorse), and what to get rid of... I didn't think it would be so hard just to pack it all up, its gona be a lot harder to throw some of it away. But for now I will be happy listening to "Into the Dark".

Not my favorite vid for it but...
Blue October - "Hate Me"


This is how my love feels.

I did this one different so that it will play whenever the page is opened... MUhahahahhahahha....

I Will Follow You Into The Dark (Death Cab for Cutie)

Video Code provided by MusicRemedy.Com

Moments like this...

Moments like this make me doubt my sanity. I knew about the hair trigger on my gun. I simply didn't put two and two together untill after my little attempt a few weeks ago. Now when I have suisidal thoughts the thought of that hair trigger is like candy. You barly have to touch the trigger once it is calked. It would take away all this crap. If I am lucky I won't wake up in heaven or hell, ill just cease to be. You would think I would have ended it by now. Then again I have a bad habbit of riding things out on some small hope that I can fix things. That small hope wavered. It has been slowly getting smaller and smaller. I spent 3 years waiting to make it easy enough that I could convince myself to do it. When it came down to it I simply could't bring myself to exert the 5lbs of pressure to pull the trigger. I did however put my finger on the trigger, and I did start to pull it. That small motion I made before... thats all it would take. I gave up on Michelle. Its the first time I have given up on something so important to me, with out first trying everything I could. There. I said it. It is all my fault. I gave up, thinking she had abandoned me. In some sick way I know that its not my fault, but that it is all my fault. One different choice. If I had ridden that one last time out, then things would have changed. One might say that something else would have eventually brought this about. But the hope that It would have fixed things is all that kept me going. In everything. How do I continue when my only hope is one that always crashes down around me. In Love, in finances, in friends, it never seems to end.... I am always riding on a hair trigger, always one move from a break down. one move from more pain, or more joy.... *screams*!!!!!!!!!

CLEAN!

I am clean. There is like a .01% chance that it was an Std. Hoever it is more likely that a piticular thing we did got bactira in my urethra and created an infection. I need to make sure she got tested and if she comes up negitive then it is soooooo unlikely that both of our tests could come up wrong. However this means trying to talk to her about it... du du dun..

Morning time

This morning was the hardest yet. I started to pack, and all these memories started flooding back. This paper here, that present there, a baloon, a dryed rose, a recipt, ticket stubbs... I remember it all like it happened yesterday. Now I am at work and I am doing ok. This helps. It helps to remind myself that I am Living Single now. It sounds happy when I see it. It feels good to know that I am trying to become a better me on my own. I have been looking to the romances in my life to make all my choices with me, its kinda nice to make them on my own. I used to look at making those choices on my own as just another sign that I was alone. Now it feels refreshing, and good. I am so independant in everthing else, its about time I broke free of the last thing I was dependant on. It isn't all that clean of a break though.

Its like taking the key stone out of an arch way.
Now I have to rethink the design of the arch.
Break old "morter" aka habbits.
Then put all the stones back with the new "morter".
Yay! For me independance means stability. Stability means more heathy. Long story short its a good thing. YAY! Happy days. Just need to remember how happy I am becoming. Gona take some pain along the way but it will mean I am happy over all instead of depressed over all. :)

Test results.

They came back negitive. ***** ******!!@@#!@#@$@#$"******!!@@#!@#@$@#$!! what a load. They told me there was no way I didn't have something. I was definatly %100 infected. I am so going to rip someone up one side and down the other over this. I am off at 6 and WILL be getting my money back from those ****** and will be going to a real doctor!

Old flame....

I have some old friends that I decided to date. Ya.. um well some of those relationships kinda.. "went south". So of late I have remembered how much I missed those friends. So I have been looking at fixing or healing those friendships. So far, so good. I am feeling pretty good. I still have hard nights, but the pain starts closer and closer to the time just before I go to sleep, and the pain lasts for shorter periods of time. The mornings are still hard and I think will be harder to get over, but things are slow and steady. :) Oh and to add to all this, we had a death threat at work today. A rather unstable man threatened to come in with a gun and kill a few people. We shall see how that goes. If I am not dead on Friday then things stayed under control. Its kina 50 50 if he comes in armed or not so.... Have a good day, "and in case I don't see ya good evening and good night.".

P.S. oct 12

Note to self:

I have been thinking. The recptionist, whom I work with, is a very happy person. She is not "perky" in that anoying way but "cute" and fun. She is also very attractive. Were she single I would date her in a moment. Back to the point. She makes me remember that I want to be with someone who is happy. If I want that, then I first need to be a happy person. This is my first goal. To be happy being single. Once this has been acomplished I can then look for companionship. This will also have benifits while courting potitential companions. For if I am not holding on to them for all my happyness then if what is best is for us to separate, or start down the path of a non romantic relationship, I will not be afraid to do so. Simply put if I am not afraid of loosing my happyness then I will be much more capable of finding someone who is "good" for me.

PPS. also I am making myself more aware of "what I want" in a compainion. These are traits I aut to take concious note of when I do go out looking. I will start listing them in my Journal for future reference.

***********************************************
"Happy" person. Not nessasarly happy but fun and exciting personality.
ex: my favorite thing about and reason for taking intrest in, Miriam.
***********************************************

The morning after

On my way to work today I realised that I have, for a long time, allowed my romantic relationship status to decide if I was happy. I have been looking to make myself happy by looking for someone else to make me happy. lol Kinda gets twisted and dizzy in my head. Long story short I woke up this morning to a bad dream. I took a moment to realise I wasn't dreaming, and that I had just woken up alone; again. Then as the day goes on I started feeling better. I suppose it will be like this for a while. Its what I am calling "Morning sickness of the Heart." I was almost thinking 'mourning sickness' But thought that was a really bad pun. :) I am a bit dizzy and tired, but I suppose that comes with the physical sickness I am still geting over. After loosing 10lbs to stress, developing a stomach ulcer, geting a cold, and being sick with an, as of yet unspecified, S.T.D. it is undoubtedly going to take my body some time to heal. So this week starts my healing. Healing my Body, My Mind, and hardest of all, My Heart. Time and staying away from the icky goo of depressive thoughts and a way of life that can only be decribed as an existance of "hopelessness". Trust. Trust in myself. I can trust me to make me happy. It feels good to say that. *deep breath* Ok On to more times and rememeber Fred... I found my happy thought. *big grinn*

I just can't end the Journal on such a winding down feeling. It IS GOOD that I am single and I am HAPPY to finaly have the opertunity to be myself and not what someone else wants me to be. Time to enjoy the great and awsome things that make me happy.

Sex.

So I have alot of time to think while I am at work. I have decided I need to find a healthy sexuall outlet. When I think about it I just don't want to give up sex. I like sex. ;) This will involve much thought. I am normaly only ok having sex with someone I am "acustomed to". Meaning someone I feel safe with. That means std wise and children wise. More on the kid side before but now... shall we say that being burned has made me more cautious. I don't know how ill work this out but right now I want to find someone to have a healthy sex life with. I already see the problems here, so I don't know that this is what will happen. Needless to say, this is going to be a hard thing to do. Like with romance, I need to not force it to be in my life. I need to just let things happen. If something acceptable wanders in to my life then great. I supppose that may mean waiting untill love wanders in but we shall see.... maybe I can find someone else who needs what I need... :) meh life goes on and I am going to be very sexually frustrated in the forceable future. :) lol.

Fresh Start

I have some major changes. I am moving, learning how to be happy and single, and advancing in my carieer in hopes of a better life. So I am leaving my old shabby lived in things behind and starting fresh. Welcome to my next chapter, Living single.