LOL got this in a text message.....

The 21st Century.

I have it good. Every now and then; I am driving to work, or I walk out of a building and I look around. I see/ feel all the comforts I enjoy. Even though there is better out there, my life is cake. Its better then cake. I live in luxury. The only time I am uncomfortable is in the early morning; and that is only because my roomate insists on turning the heat down at night. I no longer worry about food, but what quality it is and if I like the way it tastes. I owe much of it to my friends, and their kindness over the years. I look at how I got here, and sometimes I wonder. Was there anyone I hurt, so I could get here. I know I wouldn't intentionally do so, but all the same; was there. I think about it and here and there in my memorie there are people who were hurt by me. Then I ask why, and if I could have prevented it if my modivations in life were different. For almost all of them the answer is no. Many of the romances in my life are regretable, and didn't have to end as badly as they did. Other wise there is only one main person who comes to mind. When I finaly decided to 'move up' in the world; my modivation was food. I still can't help feeling like I abandoned my old boss. I worrie sometimes that I 'coped out'. I think, "what if i had...." and wonder if I could have waited. I try not to dwell on it. I know that I had a tough choice to make, and did the best I knew at the time. Thinking on it from time to time, helps me remember how much I value all the help I had in getting here. I hope if I get in to NASA the way I want to, that I will be able to do something that will help people. If it helps them live easier, or healthier, or what ever. I have been slacking off about trying to get back in to school. I keep saying 'oh I have time'. I can't start untill fall; summer at the soonest. I need to get to the school and talk to someone about getting in. That is the next step.

On a brighter note I want very much to get a good bike again. The snow this morning reminded me of all the quiet and peace when out in the hills. I miss it. I think I will have to find a way to get a bike and time to get out there. :)

The Plan.

The plan is to get in to school. I will distract myself with school and work until my hormonal body cools off. By then I hope I will have a carrieer to devote my life to. I am going to start by geting in to flight instruction. While I do that, I will school for Aerospace Engenering. I expect by the time I am 30-35 I should have a good job working for NASA or a subcontracter for them.

I'll spend the next two years in SLC and go to the community colledge.
Then the big decision. To join the Air Force and do Military Flight Instruction; or to do Civilian F.I. I would prefer the Military, only because I don't want to work with rich snobbs. If I go Air Force it will also have the perk of easier entry to NASA.

I suppose I will see how long I can go with out a dating life. I think I am getting used to this whole not having a compainon thing. If my hormones will stop bothering me then I think I will be ok. I can't wait until I get home. I think I will go to sleep early tonight....

Heavy eyes

My head hangs on a hinge.

My eyes droop,

blood slows.

The heat brings on a sticky sweat.

Hunger craves

yet over full.

Visions of sleep

run in my head.

".....I heard the news today Oh boy! turns out...."

DOOOOM! DOOOOM I SAY! Doooooooooom! Doooooom doom!

Apparently this was on the news before I wrote my last blog. BIG SUPPRIZE! It would seem that I am not the only one who saw it happening!

So this weekend was a bit of a bust. Not many purchases, and not so many bookings either. I had some guy call me at 2a. He claimed that I gave him my # at Area. ...right... and I got stupid when? If I find out who he is I am going to slug him, or lay him out, for waking me up at 2a. *in vash voice* "Scareeeey"

I updated my OKCUPID and I think I have done my best job ever at 'selling myself'. I have a good prospect in Idaho. She is 27 Budist and looks awsome. The catch is the 150 miles between us. :P *sigh*

On an off toppic note,

Spanking, and I agree. I know that it is easier to raise children with TV and corpral punishment, but easier does not make it good for anyone. The child, parent, and socioety all loose; when the easy way out is taken. All too often we teach children baised on instinct, and not what is good for them. Instinct would dictate, more in men, to go out and mate with any one possible. reproduce reproduce reproduce. Is that a good idea? No. Aids, Hiv, etc... are just a few reasons why. Instinct would dictate to spank, good idea? No. When you use corpral punishment it doesn't teach 'thats bad' it teaches 'don't get caught'. I think a good way to teach is to teach 'choices'. Teach a child that their life is thier own and they have to choose how to live it. They have to decide what they want to have happen in life. Teach choice, not punishment. Naturaly that is just in my nonparent opinion.

Good day to you all. :P

Neuclear....

The more I keep up on neuclear news the more excited I become. It scares the shit out of me, but makes me extatic at the same time. We are on the verge of one of the largest technological implimntations of our time. We are also on the brink of Neuclear war. With Korea having neuclear weapons, and Iran mear platonium away from joining them, Neuclear war is not just some distant posibility any more. However with a new look at, and fedaral funding, neuclear power, we could all be using streamlined reliable neuclear power in the next ten years. That means alot for the economy and technology. With new demand for technological use in that area; advancement won't be far behind. With advancement, who knows what will happen. If it can be made safe, we could see planes using neuclear power, or eaven mass transit, etc... When the funding is there there is no telling where technology will take us.

TIE!!! Wheres My TIE!!!!

"Why's the tie gone?!?!?!"

I can't find my tie...
I looked in my bed.
I looked in my head.
I even asked ted.... um... ok I don't know a ted...

I woke up tired today. I have been half way to dozing off all morning. By the time I get to run of show tonight I will be sleeping through most of it. I can't wait until the time spent at the theatre is reduced. I used to like working there. Now.... Sometimes I get this feeling that if something goes wrong, I'll be to blame. Even if I don't actually have anything to do with it. I know it's irrational, but that seems to be the whole enviroment for me over the last year there. Well there's my rant for the day. I better get moving before I fall asleeeee

Desire

Words spoken

Leave so much broken

A mind racing

and still pacing.

Tears and hunger

a pain subsiding.

The burning rain,

poring through my eyes.

A heart on fire

in my desire.

I feel good na na na na na na na

I wake up every morning at 0650. Most mornings I get out of bed and get in the shower. I do my workout Monday Wendsday and Friday. I try to remember to stretch my whole body. It lasts for a bout 2m before I give up. Somedays I also try to meditate; but it doesn't last long either. Somedays I get breakfast other days I just get dressed. This is my favorite time of day; Before work, after sleep. I love my morning rutine. Somedays I forget how much I love it and sleep in. I always feel better when I don't. Right now I am working 2 1/2 jobs. I work in the mornings as an armed guard. I watch over "Foster care" and the building administration. Then I work as a stage hand at night. I get home between 2200 and 2330 every night. Any time I have free I use for the other 1/2. My friend is starting a business. I am building her displays, calculating prices, chauffeuring and anything else I can do. On Saturday of this week I will also be her assistant. I won't get to the venue until it has been open for 2 1/2 hours; 2230. I am going to be a 'mascott' of sorts. I stand out at Area 51 wearing no shirt, piano key suspenders, and a bright red tie. The the first time my outfit was all penstripe. The second time, last time, I bought the tie and suspenders. This will be the first time we will be there actually doing business. Previously we just advertised with business cards. Now people will remember me, and make the connection. You can't miss Aleathas Party Gal Party. I feel lonly alot of the time; but I feel like my life is going somewhere. I feel like I am doing something worth while. :)

PLEASE READ This is Important!

I was reading Ricks Blog and saw this.

March TO Impeach.

When our last President had a sex scandal, we moved to impeach him. Bush has openly lied. He has acted against the will of the nation. He has destroyed the relations with our United Nations; a goverment we all formed in hopes of one day achieving world peace. He has aggressively attacked and persued people we had no right to persue; causing the deaths of tens of thousands. Why then has it taken this long to move for impeachment?!?!?!

Please spread the word!

I die at 76

According to our research, you'll be dead by

May 2060
at age 76


- probable cause -


cancer


YOU DIE: 75.8 years


AVERAGE MALE LIFE SPAN: 72.5 years


As you can plainly see, you have more health & vitality than the average man.


WHY YOU DIE?
56% cancer
24% ulcers/bowel toughness
13% loneliness
5% drowning of the lungs
2% wounds



You have 19489.8 days left on this earth.
You've already lived 30% of your life.

Never woulda' thought....

Eight years ago, wow those words feel heavy. Eight years ago I joined a class known as 'Swords'. At least that was the slang term. Sword class or the UCSA were more proper terms. In that class I met people who are now very dear to my heart. They took me in, gave me food and shelter. They comforted me from the pain in my life and taught me how to live. If I needed something they were there. Even when they couldn't help, they were still there. Monday, as I was driving one of them around, She; once again; told me how much she apreciates what I do for her. I have heard that from her over and over in the last month. Monday it was sureal. It hit me and I remembered all those times 8 years ago. I always knew I would do anything to show my apreciation to those people for what they had done for me. I never would have imagined that our roles would be reversed and I would become the one driving them around and paying for the meal. I can't express how much it means to me to be in that position. To them, I am going out of my way to help them. To me, I am doing something I have aked to do for eight years. The rewards of helping somone have never hit so hard; as they do now.

Romance

I have decided it is not romance I need in my life. I need human companionship. Not just someone to talk to but human touch. My friends and I never hug any more. In fact the only human touch I get any more is in a hand shake. I need somone I can hug. I need somone who I can hold now and then. I need somone who will hold me when I need it. Thats whats missing from my friends. Plenty of them really care about me, in that there is no doubt. I just need touch. Physical representation of how we feel for each other. For infants a monthers touch is one of the most important things in the world. Is what I need now, in essence, so different?

Life Jan 17-07

I woke up this morning and sat bolt upright. I don't know why, and I've never done it before. I think it was because of a dream I was having. I don't remember what the dream was, so I can't be sure. I haven't woken up with that kind of adrinaline since junior year of high school. It felt nice, untill I got to work. Back in high school I would wake up, aleart and ready. I would get to school and zonk out. Thats what happened today. I woke up fully rested and refreshed, did my workout, had a nice cool shower and went to work. Now that I have been here for three hours im lathargic again. I suppose on the bright side its a good trend. The good things from back in high school seem to be comming back in to my life. With any luck Things will get to being ballanced out and I can stop with the roller coaster that is my life. I will get off the ride and sit down in a nice forest to meditate. :) I suppose there is still one BIG thing that is bothering me but every thing else seems to be getting back to good. Only this time I won't have my home life looming over my head.

An exit catching up.

In darkness,

true heart takes to light.

A deafening roar,

of imploding scilence.

Restlessly rushing out,

lights slowly passing;

the darkness between flashing,

filled with a sadness.

Warming the ice,

a painfull compasion.

Rivers of ice,

salted with tears.

Drying their path,

a trail appears.

Too many tears,

an explicable sadness.

Clarification.

After a comment that prompted me to reread my last two posts, it has come to my attention I need to clerify. The last three posts have been in reguards to my on-line dating attempt. In 18-20 it is a general search trying to find a date. In my last post it is an exerpt from a profile I read.

23/F

And when I saw that, I knew exactly what was happining....

(An exerpt from a profile:)

"I Spend a Lot of Time Thinking About..."
Men. And why they are the way they are. And where their hand goes when it leaves my body for short periods of time in the middle of cuddling. Mysterious.

18 to 20

A dating attempt.

So there I am. Deprived and desprate to meet new people. Pounding my fingertips on the keyboard, clicking one mouse click at a time. Information apearing and then disapearing before my eyes. Pictures fly by like a movie real...

In despration I broaden the search from "21-26" to include the "18-20" range.


Comments like:

"that means I am surrounded by, and may possibly /be/, a Mormon."

"extremely untrusting and have a problem with thinking that everyone is out to get me."

" almost promise that I'm not willing to cyber. No matter how nicely you ask."

and picures of:

young blond girls with big hair and vacant expressions on their face

too thin; girls hiding in dark corners.

a picure entitled 'seductive' screams out in my mind "I'm a virgin. want to, like, you know; be my first" and an immage of a girl blowing a bubble in bubble gum comes to mind.

more comments and terrifing immages begin filling the pages before me.

Frantically I return to the safty of my previous search, terrified with the information I have just witnessed, never to return agin...

OkCupid....

So I caved. I heard this was a good site, and not just for dating, but meeting people and friends so.... here is my first test result.

The Gentleman Deliberate Gentle Love Master (DGLMm) Steady & mature. You are The Gentleman. For anyone looking for an even-keeled, considerate lover, you're their man. You're sophisticated. You know what you want both in a relationship and outside of it. You have a substantial romantic side, and you're experienced enough sexually to handle yourself in that arena, too. Your future relationships will be long-lasting; you're classic "marrying material," a prize in the eyes of many. It's possible that behind it all, you're a bit of a male slut. Your best friends know that in relationships you're fundamentally sex-driven. You're a safe, reliable guy, who does get laid. In a lot of ways, you're like a well-worn, comfortable pair of socks. Did you ever jack off into one of those? All the time. Your exact opposite: The Last Man on Earth Random Brutal Sex Dreamer Your ideal mate is NOT a nut-job. She is giving and loving, like you, but also experienced. Avoid the The Battleaxe at all fucking costs. CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, someone just like you. Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: FredricHoefer

Friday

Live to day, Love tomorrow.

Moments

I looked at this number. '07. A thought from years ago flashed through my head and it made me excited, scared and nastalgic. When I was in high school I was always looking tward the future. 2002 seemed like such a long way a way that 2007 didn't exist. Its 2007. I am an over dramatic, pampered, lazy security guard to obsessed with trying to be young again to just be happy. Back then I was a scared starving kid trying to stay away from home in any way I could. The difference? The important difference? I was happy then. Happier. Thats what the appeal to moving in with her is. Yesterday I felt like we were back in high school and I was buming around at her place again. I felt loved. Thats what I miss. Thats what I want. I always look to a romantic companion for love. I think another resolve is in order. Resolving to find love in friends and family. Resolve to find the happy love I need to feel fufilled.

Oh, and thanks to Rick and Chase for the reminder,

Reminder

New Year.

The last time I made a new years resolution was 2 years ago. I resolved to gain 20 lbs, thusly to become 160lbs. I did at one point this week manage 160. Although it is not a consistant 160 I still reached 160. On that note My new resolve is to turn much of the fat I put on, in to healthy mucle by the end of 2008. That gives me 2 years.

Yesterday made lots of things feel different. I speak of yesterday as if it were any other day, not because it was the first day of a new year. I spent the whole day with an old friend. She did laundry and we watched movies, and played games. It made me feel like I was on winter break; back in high school. It felt good. I have been hacking up flem, coughing so hard it is tearing up my throat, and been akey and tired. Not to mention my hurt ankle, bruised foot or all the drinking and partieing I did this weekend. Summed up I am sick as a dog. I haven't felt so good in a long time. She took care of me and made sure I got soup and tea and cough medicne. I feel good after hanging out with her. She has been like family to me since sophmore year. That makes 7 1/2 years now. How the time flys...

She is soon to move in to a house. She has on a few occasions reminded me there is an 'extra' room if I am interested...