Sex drive..

Well it would seem I won't need to worry about the sex drive issues. Since I spoke to JB on Sunday I just don't seem to be interested. Maybe it was because of thoughts of my childhood. Not that any sexuall abuse happened. Memories of the verbal and emotional abuse that abounded in that house. Memeories of my participation in them. My Father wasn't the only one who was abusive. All of us got abused. I can olny speak for what I saw growing up but, from what I can tell, all of us gave back; at least some; of what we got. When we gave the abuse back it didn't always go back to the person who gave it to us. Im speaking vaguly, I guess I am trying to avoid thinking about it directly. So I will elaborate. My Father used to physically abuse my sisters, before I was old enough to remember. When My Sisters were old enough they ;and my mother; with the threat of the law and the threat of her leaving him, were able to stop the physical abuse. Thusly saving me, my next older sister, and my younger sisters, from the brunt of the abuse. Only then "dad" put all his abusive energy in to verbal and emotional tactics. I wish I could say the physical abuse stoped there. As children we were always being pumped full of these awfull emotions. As children feelings always translated in to actions. I remember brawls with My Sisters. Most of My memories are of Me hurting them. I know they did as much as I did, but I can't help feeling like I was worse. I also know that it is because of those feelings that I don't remember the abuse I got, near as much as what I gave. I hate thinking about it because it hurts to remember who I was. Out of the house you would never have guessed. I was a perfect student, and a nerd to boot. I was always the one letting other kids hit me. Never fighting back. Other people can use the excuse "he was just a kid". Not me though. I know I wasn't "just a kid". I knew that what I did was wrong. I never hit my sisters, thinking "this is wrong". It was always react to what your feeling now, and just don't think about it later. That mentality came back to me in my last romantic relationship. By that point I had gotten the physical aspects in control, but the emotional sh** is something I never did get control over. I never realised, in words, untill now that that is what I was doing. I would react to how her actions made me feel and then emediatly try to move on. Moving on so fast kept me from regreting what I had said. Its how I learned to survive, strike back and move out of the way. That killed any chance I had at making things work. I don't have to survive that way any more, I have better ways now. She is the first person, since I moved out of my parents house, to bring me back to doing that. I suppose I have been running from feeling so long that when I finaly wanted to feel again all my old, untamed "demons" came back to haunt me. I know my younger Sister and older Sisters have all mutually given forgiveness to each other, and Me. My youngest sister has yet to come to terms with all this, but thats another story all together. I wrote M an apology, but not a very comprehinsive one, because I wrote it before I started thinking about this. I think another apology is in order... Have her back or not, she deserves that much. Don't get me wrong. I know that my reactions were bad, but there were things I was reacting to. I don't know how many of those things were her reactions to me. I can't speculate on them either. All I can do is ask her forgiveness and hope that I never let that part of me hurt someone again. *sigh* Long day ahead of me....