Re: 'to or not to'

I am nervous about answering this question. In thinking about it, I seem afraid that nothing has changed. I know things have changed. I can feel it. I can see it. Yet I don't want to admit that anything has changed. I think I am afraid that if I admit what has changed, that it will somehow stop changing. Even more terrifing is the thought that admiting to the changes would somehow make me revert back to before the change. *sigh*

Ok. From my perspective, a few, big things have changed. My over all mentality has changed. Last night for example. I was talking to roomie C about an issue between her and one of my friends. I know that I would normaly have goten angry, because my adrinaline levels rose. However I didn't have to 'fight off' beign angry. The adrinaline was being releiced in to my system, but I just didn't get angry. Its just one example of things over the last month. I still get frustrated, and upset. Its like a calm angry. I don't go crazy with anger. Its just one example. Its also not the best example. I was, after all, talking about how pointless 'fighting' out of anger is. Also about how fighting only gets more fighting. How it takes one side to stop fighting, and say 'there has to be another way.'. Before I get sidetracked I should move on to what else has changed.

I am also happier. Its crazy because I hurt more then I have ever hurt. I am dealing with things that I never knew I needed to deal with; hard things. I am also healing old friendships and trying to resolve old grudges. I have also lost someone very close to me. She will probably never speak to me again. What hurts the worst is that all of these changes happened too late to stop me from hurting her. With all the pain, and all the tears at night, I still feel happier. It used to be that everything weighed me down. Now only the big deep pain really hurts. Everything else seems superficial. The things that make me cry at night still hurt just as much, but with out everything else gooping them up it seems happier. Painfull, but happy. Its weird. Its like I used to have the pain of hunger, and the gash in my side; and now only the gash remains to heal. In a sick way I almost hope that it never does though. I never want to forget, not her, and not what I did to her. I don't blame me for everything, but alot of it. I never want it to stop hurting. I never want it to get easier. I want it to always be there vivid and unignoreable. To keep me grounded.

I am sure there are other, more superficial, things that have changed. However those are more like shock waves and not the epicenter. Alot of the changes are still taking effect, still making the change. Like systimatically rooting out a virus.

anything to add?