Babys
On a side note there is a new baby in the office. Everyone gathered around to give congradulations. In the abstract its kind of like saying "oh look, you had sex, isn't that cute?" It cracks me up.. lol... :)
This is a log of my endevor to live the single life, and be happy doing it. I will no longer try to force love in to my life. If love finds me, then I will not turn it away, untill then, may happy days fill my sails with wind.
On a side note there is a new baby in the office. Everyone gathered around to give congradulations. In the abstract its kind of like saying "oh look, you had sex, isn't that cute?" It cracks me up.. lol... :)
I apologyse. I have been reminded that I have had another drinking episode in the last month. things have been so hecktic that it slipped my mind. lol and I have also been corrected it was not a massuse, it was a therapst(?).
Coppy machine is too loud. Kids are screaming. Music is playing. A vacume blares. I am thoughly anoyed and geting close to loosing it and screaming myself.!!!! GIrrrrrrrrr!!!!
Due to the move, our net at home is down for a while and I can't check myspace at work. So I found a chance over the weekend. I have messages from not one but 2 ex'es and an old friend turned enemy. I will have to find more time somewhere but it seems that out of the 3 one of them might be interested in being friends again. My most recent also finaly wrote me via txt message that she is clean. We also had a short conversation trying to talk about what happened. It went the same way all our fights went...
I have logged 58 hours at work this week, so far. 75 hours last week, plus 19 hours last week that I devoted to moving. Not to mention the, total, 5 hours of time I spent waiting between jobs. Making a total 94 hours of labor last week. (on the topic of more usless information, that leaves 56 hours of sleep and 16 hours spent geting showering, commuting, eating etc...) This week I will reach a minimum of 82 hours of work time. I also plan to spend sunday unpacking and doing laundry. With any luck my evening off on monday will be spent enjoying a "clean" and "new" apartment. :) Whew! and another 2 weeks of this! There is good news though. The next 2 weeks I will only be working 68 to 76 hours total. It also keeps me distracted from stuff. In addition all this work means that I will be out of debt as of friday. Hopefully by years end I will have enough money in the bank to buy a new car, if the need arises. There by staying out of debt in the first place. :)
So last night I told one of my fellow crew that someone else would be covering for me for one of the performances. He responded by telling me she could only do the show, if she did it topless. So long story short, Syhalla, Ken says hi.
So after a long week, of no day off and doubble shifts every day, I can say that at the heart of things I am still pretty happy. Not extatic but happy. Ken, my co-worker at the theatre, mentioned something that gave me renewed viligance in getting back to school. He brought up the idea of geting, not just a carpenters licence, but a remodelers licence and to take some schooling in relastate. Then, if I were to do this, I could buy a cheep o' fixer. Fixer, and renter out. Then do it a few more times, have a steady income, and be doing something I love. :) Admitedly it would be prefferable if this was done as a team of workers... hum.... :)
So in my attempts to be happy while single, I am finding it more difficult then making a relationship work. I think that is because I have worked on those skills more then the skills I need to have to be happy while single. So I think it would be a good idea to think about what I need to do to make sure I am happy. This involves getting more sleep so I can think, lol. Give it a month then maybe I'll be awake enough to get in to the philosophy(s) of how to be happy. :)
I am moved in! Yay! My third residnce since moving out of my parents house and so... I bought my first piece of real furnature... a tv stand. lol. The place looks awsome! Ok not so much the place as it is how the place looks with us in it. It's quite messy, as we just moved in yesterday. I won't get to do any more unpacking or anything else untill sat afternoon or maybe even sunday so my room is gona be messy for quite a while. The bow flex is also in my room... ya... um I think I may have to arrange to put it in Joshauas storage for him.... And the VIEW!!! Every morning we get to wake up to this pond! and the trees and the ducks and oh so sweet. It almost reminds me of sleeping at liberty.... *smiles* except sleeping here is a lot warmer this time of year.. lol :) I am having mood swings with a vengance. During the course of a day I am happy sad, semi suisidal, angry, and empty. Some days I am over all happy, some days I over all feel like crap, but nothing too bad. I don't know if things are looking up, but things definatly aren't looking down. :) I have decided that I need to do some non serious dating. Just go have some fun romancing someone. Keep it light and friendly, well I think I still need to wait a while before I actually go looking for a date, still need to settle down and recover a bit. Still plan to stay single, I think I just need to have some kind of out let for all my "romantic energy". Just a little something to get me out of the house and feel good. Not too often, maybe one or two times a month just enough to keep my "skills" from getting "rusty" lol. I am also reconsidering joining the army. It would make me some good money and get me a good reference for a nice job as a "glorified security guard" with the Salt Lake County Police Department. It would be about what I am doing now, but for the state, and with benifets. The biggest risk involved would be death. I would most likely end up in the middle east right after joining so.... But if there is one thing I am proficent at, much to my dismay, its fighting. I can shoot well enough and I am good at combat menuvers. I think I could last long enough to get in and out with out too much injury. Well we shall see. I have been kinda back and forth about it for the last two years now so its either time to stop considering it and move on or to just do it. It is qute tempting.... Well back to work..
After reading my journal, I find that after I get suisidal I spend the next few days having a hard time geting back on to a happy train of thought. The autumn air helps, but today the air is stale. Not the fresh refreshing autumn wind. This time of year always makes me happy. It is the time of year when most of my best relationships started. That makes sense, when I am happiest I am most attractive. :) It is also when some of my best memories of friends are. Working RPHH, Sword in the winter!, so many cold nights, staying warm in the company of the warm hearts of my good friends. It is a good time of year, and a good time in my life. I need a good night, I think sat will do it. Sat night I will make sure that I am happy and ready to move in to my new life at a new place. Everything changes on Sunday. I make my clean break of a manotonus life, and start my Arts, workout rutine, etc... :) Good times.
In my dreams I tend to be with some old flame. I always wake from those dreams in the middle of the night to see if I realy am dreaming. This morning I woke at 4am to find myself holding my tedy bear. Once the morning progresses I remember why I am single, and why I am going to enjoy being single. It used to be that when I was single, I was missrable about being single. Then when I would be with someone I would be missrable about how they treated me; as if they didn't care about me at all. "Just another pice of meat", or someone to use. I find that trying to be happy single takes a lot of work. I never realy thought about it. In a relationship you have to work at it and its hard sometimes. I suppose I always thought that being single and happy was suposed to be easy. I just never tryed it. I have always tryed to be happy with someone, not just to be happy. Days like today are the most dagerous. They could go either way, that grey zone. Could be happy or sad, I'll know better once I am more awake, but I am going to make it a happy one. I just have to remember.. I found my happy thought. :) *big grinn*
Today is feeling better. I am almost fully packed. Sunday is going to be hard. When I unpack it becomes time to throw away anything I no longer need... that means deciding what memoribilia of her to keep(stored away ofcorse), and what to get rid of... I didn't think it would be so hard just to pack it all up, its gona be a lot harder to throw some of it away. But for now I will be happy listening to "Into the Dark".
Moments like this make me doubt my sanity. I knew about the hair trigger on my gun. I simply didn't put two and two together untill after my little attempt a few weeks ago. Now when I have suisidal thoughts the thought of that hair trigger is like candy. You barly have to touch the trigger once it is calked. It would take away all this crap. If I am lucky I won't wake up in heaven or hell, ill just cease to be. You would think I would have ended it by now. Then again I have a bad habbit of riding things out on some small hope that I can fix things. That small hope wavered. It has been slowly getting smaller and smaller. I spent 3 years waiting to make it easy enough that I could convince myself to do it. When it came down to it I simply could't bring myself to exert the 5lbs of pressure to pull the trigger. I did however put my finger on the trigger, and I did start to pull it. That small motion I made before... thats all it would take. I gave up on Michelle. Its the first time I have given up on something so important to me, with out first trying everything I could. There. I said it. It is all my fault. I gave up, thinking she had abandoned me. In some sick way I know that its not my fault, but that it is all my fault. One different choice. If I had ridden that one last time out, then things would have changed. One might say that something else would have eventually brought this about. But the hope that It would have fixed things is all that kept me going. In everything. How do I continue when my only hope is one that always crashes down around me. In Love, in finances, in friends, it never seems to end.... I am always riding on a hair trigger, always one move from a break down. one move from more pain, or more joy.... *screams*!!!!!!!!!
I am clean. There is like a .01% chance that it was an Std. Hoever it is more likely that a piticular thing we did got bactira in my urethra and created an infection. I need to make sure she got tested and if she comes up negitive then it is soooooo unlikely that both of our tests could come up wrong. However this means trying to talk to her about it... du du dun..
This morning was the hardest yet. I started to pack, and all these memories started flooding back. This paper here, that present there, a baloon, a dryed rose, a recipt, ticket stubbs... I remember it all like it happened yesterday. Now I am at work and I am doing ok. This helps. It helps to remind myself that I am Living Single now. It sounds happy when I see it. It feels good to know that I am trying to become a better me on my own. I have been looking to the romances in my life to make all my choices with me, its kinda nice to make them on my own. I used to look at making those choices on my own as just another sign that I was alone. Now it feels refreshing, and good. I am so independant in everthing else, its about time I broke free of the last thing I was dependant on. It isn't all that clean of a break though.
They came back negitive. ***** ******!!@@#!@#@$@#$"******!!@@#!@#@$@#$!! what a load. They told me there was no way I didn't have something. I was definatly %100 infected. I am so going to rip someone up one side and down the other over this. I am off at 6 and WILL be getting my money back from those ****** and will be going to a real doctor!
I have some old friends that I decided to date. Ya.. um well some of those relationships kinda.. "went south". So of late I have remembered how much I missed those friends. So I have been looking at fixing or healing those friendships. So far, so good. I am feeling pretty good. I still have hard nights, but the pain starts closer and closer to the time just before I go to sleep, and the pain lasts for shorter periods of time. The mornings are still hard and I think will be harder to get over, but things are slow and steady. :) Oh and to add to all this, we had a death threat at work today. A rather unstable man threatened to come in with a gun and kill a few people. We shall see how that goes. If I am not dead on Friday then things stayed under control. Its kina 50 50 if he comes in armed or not so.... Have a good day, "and in case I don't see ya good evening and good night.".
Note to self:
On my way to work today I realised that I have, for a long time, allowed my romantic relationship status to decide if I was happy. I have been looking to make myself happy by looking for someone else to make me happy. lol Kinda gets twisted and dizzy in my head. Long story short I woke up this morning to a bad dream. I took a moment to realise I wasn't dreaming, and that I had just woken up alone; again. Then as the day goes on I started feeling better. I suppose it will be like this for a while. Its what I am calling "Morning sickness of the Heart." I was almost thinking 'mourning sickness' But thought that was a really bad pun. :) I am a bit dizzy and tired, but I suppose that comes with the physical sickness I am still geting over. After loosing 10lbs to stress, developing a stomach ulcer, geting a cold, and being sick with an, as of yet unspecified, S.T.D. it is undoubtedly going to take my body some time to heal. So this week starts my healing. Healing my Body, My Mind, and hardest of all, My Heart. Time and staying away from the icky goo of depressive thoughts and a way of life that can only be decribed as an existance of "hopelessness". Trust. Trust in myself. I can trust me to make me happy. It feels good to say that. *deep breath* Ok On to more times and rememeber Fred... I found my happy thought. *big grinn*
So I have alot of time to think while I am at work. I have decided I need to find a healthy sexuall outlet. When I think about it I just don't want to give up sex. I like sex. ;) This will involve much thought. I am normaly only ok having sex with someone I am "acustomed to". Meaning someone I feel safe with. That means std wise and children wise. More on the kid side before but now... shall we say that being burned has made me more cautious. I don't know how ill work this out but right now I want to find someone to have a healthy sex life with. I already see the problems here, so I don't know that this is what will happen. Needless to say, this is going to be a hard thing to do. Like with romance, I need to not force it to be in my life. I need to just let things happen. If something acceptable wanders in to my life then great. I supppose that may mean waiting untill love wanders in but we shall see.... maybe I can find someone else who needs what I need... :) meh life goes on and I am going to be very sexually frustrated in the forceable future. :) lol.