Good Game.

I play this 'chess' like game, Tactics Arena Online. Just had an awsome game. I just played this german. It was cool. The banter was awsome! :)

Fixings and such.

Finaly fixed the bedroom door... and the bathroom door. Next is geting a new handcuff key and new clamps for my bench press. Watch it! Only tonight on F.W.L.
(F.W.L. is a registered trademark of Freds World Live incorporated. Unotherized duplication, reproduction, or other use is strictly prohibited. )

The pond froze over yesterday. Today all the ducks are gone. Zeb says once it is solid enough, he is going to walk out, pick up, and throw away a bottle that is just laying on the ice. It will be fun to watch him splash around when the ice breaks. lol I'm gonna set up lawn chairs just for the event. I'm thinking about playing music and selling tickets.. but I think that might be going a bit too far. ;)

I am not happy. I am quite discontent. I think I want to move out of the country but I'm not sure. I am also not sure where I would go. I do know that I am tired of the unreal way that Americans live. So many of Us are more concerned about the new movie, or what actor/actress did what. Then there are the opinionated people. I don't mind opinionated people. I mind uneducated opinionated people. The type, like I used to be, who have very strong opinions; about things they haven't taken the time to study. Everyone knows everything, and no one else can tell them different. Pay no mind to books, reports, video footage, or any other evidence. Just what they want to think. That way we can stay lazy and apathetic. I think its a way to appear to care, when in fact it is just a front for indefference. Why do people think they have to appear to care about things they don't even want to think about? Is it because others say they should care? Is it because they think that if they don't appear to care that they will be stoned in the town square? Its one big doup. The world knows we couldn't care less, but we can't admit to it. We all have to play the part of passionate indefference. Passionatly delcare to care, and secretly only care about 'tonights T.V. show', etc. I suppose I am just tired of the lazy, wastefull, self justifying, gluttonus life style we, I, live. I'm not this lazy. I'm not this wastefull. Yet for some reason I am doing it all the same. Two years ago I could get by on the slary of a stage hand. Now I make almost doubble what I made then, and I am still scraping by. How did I get so wastefull? Does Amercian life really make it that easy to become a glutton? I think I will start trying to remember how to live with out all the waste. Maybe I should start by changing what I consider to be 'entertainment'. Movies, Video games, etc.. Start reading writing learning. I want to learn German. I also want to learn French. I want to start having money for doctors and dentists. I want to get my teeth fixed, and get rid of all the fat that has undoubtedly started accumulating on the walls of my arterys. I need to put the T.V. in my room away and use the space it fills for a reading chair. I already put the computer away, and replaced it with my weight set. No more. Just stop. Become healthy and smart. That is what I want to do with my life. Its going to take time. My brain 'mucle' hasn't been 'worked out' in a long time. It will be a slow process. Like starting a workout up. Slow at first, and then once you have 'momentum' it breezes past.

"life is the persuit of happyness not gluttony."~

Snow!

I lost my hand cuff key.

Thanks giving etc...

Thanks giving started with family. It was much more plesant then I expected. The food was good, it was quiet, etc... The tradition of the single kids going to a movie was changed. There are now only 4 single kids left. One of whom lives in New York now so, He wasn't there. As such, we invited the grand kids along, aka the nieces and nephues. We watched "Happy Feet". It is a good movie. :)
Then I joined my roomates for a night of food and games with one of their familys. Over all it was a good day.

Then back to work for Friday. Saturday the car auction was a bust. There were only 2 vehicles worth looking at. Both were over priced and frankly even if they weren't I'd rather take my chances with the Subaru. Then I droped off the bowflex to my brother inlaws house and picked up my old bench press and weights. I then cleaned my room and set up my new, old weight set. My room is a little sloppy but its clean. I need to replace a few items on the weights to make them safe, and then I can incorperate them into my morning workout. :)

Saturday night was the hilight of my week. I acompinied Aleatha, to Area 51's fettish night, to promote her Party Gals business. Its an 'on the side' income for her. A few people showed up to help pass out cards. I dressed up in a pair of penstriped pants, suspenders, and a tie. I debated on just a tie, but decided they wouldn't let me in with out pants. I also had a bit of eye liner to add to the effect. The red hair dye only shows up in sunlight so it only gave vague hilights for the evening. From what I hear, *always a great way to start a sentance* , I was quite the 'looker'. At dinner later they told me that both genders were eying me all night. Anjuli told me that a guy even aproched her 'inquiring' about me. lmao the irony was/is just killing me. To start the night I had a drink. I always do better dancing when im a little... more relaxed. Then I had another, which of-corse was a little more then where I wanted to be. By 10p my body started to shut down, as per my normal sleeping schedual. So when I was sober again I was so tired that everyone took my drowzyness as intoxication. I played on it a bit so I could get a few z's before heading home. ;) We didn't leave the club until 1a. It was a good night and I throughly enjoyed the night. We went and ate at villiage inn before heading home, AND I went home, and slept alone. yay! No booty calls or anything else. :)

I spent sunday playing Halo2, online, and doing laundry. I started both at 11a and finished around 11p. 12hrs of laundry!... hurm and Halo2. :) I still didn't finish the laundry. It is all clean and dry, but I have a bit to fold, iron, and put away. Something about just one more game and then I'll finish the laundry... oh just one more and then I'll do it.... :)

Just one more line and then I'll get back to work...

I droped the Subaru off to the mechanic, this morning, and walked the 6 blocks to work. They will call me when they know anything.

oh just one more line and then I'll get back to work.......

So I am going to return to my writing, for those who keep up on it. :)

Wendsday,

So I spent 90$ on Animae last night; and then promptly bought red hair dye. I will be dying my hair, for the first time in my life, tonight. It is a temporary 10 day dye. If it is the color I want, then I will dye it with perminant dye. No I have not lost my mind. No the world is not coming to an end. I am dressing up for the christmas party, and want to be authentic. I am going as Peter Pan. I am having trouble deciding between green tights and the leaf toga. I like the leaf toga better, but the theme is Disney characters. Disneys version of PP is the Green tights outfit. Either way I won't be wearing any pants! :P

In sader news,

I am going to have to buy a new car within the next 2 weeks. That is as long as I give, before my car dies. I'm not sure if I want to go with a NEW car, or a 'new' car. I have done the 'new to me' rout 6 times now. A 7th time would be ok, but... I can potentially afford a NEW car, and it would be nice not to have to worry about all the break downs and such. *sigh* I suppose I will paruse the net today and do my reasearch.

In The News

So I have been trying to find online sources for REAL NEWS. You will notice the new 'IN THE NEWS' section on my sidebar. I have found that there is more accurate and factuall information in off shore news reporting agenceys. Even Canada has better news on us then we do. Not to mention most of Europ. So brush up on the latest facts about World news and US news. :)

In other 'news' lol.

So I am having a very hormonal day. For some time now I have moments where any healthy and clean woman can drive me crazy, in that all so special way. Somedays are worse then others. However wemen that I don't normaly find attractive, are also driving me nuts. Don't get me wrong they are good looking wemen, just not my type. I suppose that I must be one of two things:
I am having 'that time of month' where my hormones are going crazy.
or
My body has decided it is time to reproduce and isn't going to give me a break untill I do.

So here is hoping for option one. I think I am going to start researching pharmisudicals that help to lower sex drive. I would very much like to remove, or at least reduce the influence that pirticular hormone has on my body. I am tired of geting worked up, etc.. to no productive result. My out look on it is that unless I have someone whom I want/ would be ok reproducing with then sex just isn't usefull. It wastes time and energy that would be better spent on other things. As I am slowly coming to the conclusion that I want to be single for an extended if not indefinate amount of time, the idea of removing that influence is; to say the lest; appealing.

And now I dive in to the ever advancing world of technology to find a 'make my life easier' pill. Or possibly someting I can change in my lifestyle, or eating habbits or something to the same result...

Cute Kids..

Most of the children who come through are snots. Sometimes even the snotty kids manage to seem cute.
Kid "can I have a sticker?"

me "sure"

a few moments later....

Kid "can I have a sticker"

Receptionst "sure"

A few moments later...

Kid "can I have a sticker?"

Receptionst "don't you already have one?"

Kid "nnooo"

Receptionst "where did it go?"

Kid " I don't know"

Receptionst " let me see your hands"

takes a second and then shows her his hands.

Receptionst "where did it go?"

Kid "there in the garbage"

Receptionst "so you do know where they are"

kid smiles. then walks away playing with the stickers he already had.
......

this kid is in here once a week. He's a bit of a snot, but he has his moments.

Hand Cuff Training

Wow. I need a sex buddy. After my training last night there are soooooo many things I want to do to.... Ok no more details.

So I woke up already nervous. My preliminary test for the feds is after work today. I have no idea what to expect. I know there is a personal history questionare. There is also a written test. On what? I don't know. It could be arithmatic. It could be a written test to determine people skills. Part could be the psycological test. It could be just about anything so I have no idea what to prepare for. I guess if I am right for the job, then I will know the answers. No physical test today though.

So now that I have the address I recognise the building. It is down town, one thirty something south and state. Its the 'federal building'. I have walked past it so many times, on the way to sword, etc... That would be nice. I am sure I will still get the same homless crazys there that I do here. Should keep it interesting. Ok, so I am due there at 1800, 6p. Let y'all know how it goes.

Today or yesterday?

It seems that every now and then, I get all twiderpated over the idea of having a 'someone'
in my life. However more and more, like today, I prefer the idea of being alone. I want to get away from all the drama. I want my life to be dramatically boring. I want to replace the 'excitement' of drama, with actuall activitys. To be excied by doing, or feeling.

Enter phlosophy moment for the day.

In my 'circles' of friends drama seems to be the main event. It is as though everyone, and I have been no exception, does it because they are lazy. It is easier to spend time gossiping, then thinking. It is easier to allow gossip to put thoughts there, in place of making thoughts. I want to get away from this lazy life style. I want my friends to do so as well. However I can only stay my place. I can't tell or even ask them to follow me. I can answer questions, I can tell them what I am doing if they ask. I can't tell them "you should...".
End phlosophy Wendsday.

I am somewhat nervous. I have court today, and testing tomorrow. I am managing to stay calm about it ,but little knots are starting to form in my stomach. I stayed up till 2 or 3 lastnight. I need to stop doing that. I am dozing off and its only 1020. I still have to appear in court, and do my handcuff training. I won't be off till 7 or 8 tonight. Not a good ending to my entry but I need to let my brain rest... maby just zone out for a while...

Re: 'to or not to'

I am nervous about answering this question. In thinking about it, I seem afraid that nothing has changed. I know things have changed. I can feel it. I can see it. Yet I don't want to admit that anything has changed. I think I am afraid that if I admit what has changed, that it will somehow stop changing. Even more terrifing is the thought that admiting to the changes would somehow make me revert back to before the change. *sigh*

Ok. From my perspective, a few, big things have changed. My over all mentality has changed. Last night for example. I was talking to roomie C about an issue between her and one of my friends. I know that I would normaly have goten angry, because my adrinaline levels rose. However I didn't have to 'fight off' beign angry. The adrinaline was being releiced in to my system, but I just didn't get angry. Its just one example of things over the last month. I still get frustrated, and upset. Its like a calm angry. I don't go crazy with anger. Its just one example. Its also not the best example. I was, after all, talking about how pointless 'fighting' out of anger is. Also about how fighting only gets more fighting. How it takes one side to stop fighting, and say 'there has to be another way.'. Before I get sidetracked I should move on to what else has changed.

I am also happier. Its crazy because I hurt more then I have ever hurt. I am dealing with things that I never knew I needed to deal with; hard things. I am also healing old friendships and trying to resolve old grudges. I have also lost someone very close to me. She will probably never speak to me again. What hurts the worst is that all of these changes happened too late to stop me from hurting her. With all the pain, and all the tears at night, I still feel happier. It used to be that everything weighed me down. Now only the big deep pain really hurts. Everything else seems superficial. The things that make me cry at night still hurt just as much, but with out everything else gooping them up it seems happier. Painfull, but happy. Its weird. Its like I used to have the pain of hunger, and the gash in my side; and now only the gash remains to heal. In a sick way I almost hope that it never does though. I never want to forget, not her, and not what I did to her. I don't blame me for everything, but alot of it. I never want it to stop hurting. I never want it to get easier. I want it to always be there vivid and unignoreable. To keep me grounded.

I am sure there are other, more superficial, things that have changed. However those are more like shock waves and not the epicenter. Alot of the changes are still taking effect, still making the change. Like systimatically rooting out a virus.

anything to add?

"To Hailey or not to Hailey, that is the question."

I was rereading my "3am" post. It was early morning when I wrote the post, so my literacy skills were worse then normal. While attempting to correct some of my mistakes, something occured to me. It struck me. Not only do I feel desire for Hailey, but she fits alot of the things I am looking for.

There is another complex element. I mentioned my ambitions to renovate old houses. She and her partner have aparently also experessed such desires. As all three of us seem to enjoy this idea I am inclined to persue a joint venture. I will first help them in their plans to own and operate a Theatre. Then when we are all ready, we can move on to renovations. I have not discussed this idea with her, as I did not consider it until this afternoon.

It adds to my desire to be a part of her life. I do however come to an impass. Firstly, I don't want to intrude on a venture that is seemingly intamate between them. Secondly, I am worried about geting too involved in her life; as I mentioned in my previous post.
However, in the end I need to let her/them decide for themselves. I will offer what I have to offer and let them choose how to respond.

The only thing left to decide is how to make my offer. I want to help her, either way. So I could offer to help her. From there I can get a feel for things, and decide if my offer would be apropriate. I think that is how I will do it. If I don't 'fit in' then I don't want to make such a venture. For something involving such trust; I would need to be capable of such comrodery to be ok with it. If I find that I am truly ok with the idea, then I will present it to them so they can make their decision.

Well now I will go through the rest of my day. Feeling as though I have acomplished something.
:)
It is windy today; I love the wind.

3 am

I'm half asleep, yet I am dreaming. In the dream my phone is ringing off the hook.
Three people are calling all at once. Lesli, JB and Michelle. I also have two txt messages chiming in with the ringing of the phone. I decide that Michelles call is most important to me and answer it. She is asking questions, we have a conversation I can't remember, and the dream goes hazy. The dream turns and I am reading a text message. Then I start hearing the chime of another text message and I wake up.

What do you know, just as I am waking a text message chimes, and shows up on my phone. Hailey. New message 1:34am. "What time is it", I ask myself. 1:36am. It has probably chimed once already and I assume it is chiming for the second time. The message asks if I am awake, so I call her back. She called for "...." The conversation turns, and we decide to go for one of our customary night drives. As per the norm, I bring a condom; just in case. It wouldn't be the first time I had/ have wanted to have sex with her, better safe then sorry. We drive, and talk. It relaxes me. I enjoy our talks. We wined our way around the city.

Too soon she is pulling up in front of my place. I muster all my strength of will, and keep my mouth shut. In my head I am asking her to come in, or if I can come back to her place... I hug her. She asks me to pop her back. So she gets out and I hold her, lifting her off her feet I pop her back. I don't want to let go, so I let go almost too fast. We say good night, and I get inside feeling good. It is a nice night out. Not too cold, just right.

She is more and more attractive every time we talk. She has a nice body, and the more and more she opens up to me, the more I want her. She wants to own and run a theatre. Very much a theatre geek, and I miss the theatre. Her dream seems to be comming along, and within her reach. Her dream fantisizes of having a real 'husband' type around. So many reasons why she is attractive, and so few reasons why not. I get inside and smell the faint resdiue of the perfume from her cigarettes. The smell makes me nastalgic. The more often I drive with her, the easier it is for me to breath; with out coughing at the mear smell. It still does the same dammage, I'm sure. She has a 'not husband'. He is gay. It works nice for her. She gets the space she needs, and is ok with not having the physical intamacy. She seems so happy. I don't want to mess her life up with, what can olny be described as: 'me'. While we were driving around I saw part of my future. I saw two roads. One road led to drama, dating, struggles, icky gooey ick. The other road led to a comfortable, safe, secure, stable, but very lonly, Single Life.

"never saw the sun~ shining so bright never sa..."

Whew! What a weekend. So I got paid. Cleaned the apartment... sorta. Its more like organised chaos now... Moved the automan and chair in to the front room. Cleaned a bit o my car. Had a long, draining, talk with Steph. I also spent the last few dollars I had on a bit o sushi. :)
My ballance, until I deposit my check today, is 9 cents. Cutting it close, no? But I get paid again friday so it will be all good after that.

So things are feeling better with Steph, so much so that I almost cried, but then didn't. Also I didn't control the situation, I don't think so anyway. I just kina let it happen. After Kari and Anjuli devastating my trust in people, Steph; of all people; mannaged to restore a small glimmer of faith in people. JB and I are on... ok ish terms. Things with Anjuli are feeling... sick. I listened to some, insites?, on her and why she was with me, and it made me sick. I still feel a bit ill thinking about it. I don't know where to go from there so I will have to take some time and think about it. Something about her wanting to throw up every time I touched her, kissed her or anything. Out of everything that messes with my head the most.

So I skipped out on my workout and stretch on Sat. , but I was right back on track today. I still havn't gotten my eating habbits under control. However, Aleatha is trying to help me fix that by 'me taking her' shoping for food. That way she can coax me in to buying food and not just scrimping by on what I bother getting when I'm in the mood.

Over all things are messy and gobbeldy gook, but in a good way. :)

lol and I won't be writing any more on the noveletta for a while. I managed to cut 4 of the fingers and burned the palm of my right hand, while working at the theatre this weekend. All the cuts are on the finger tips so it hurts to type...

3 posts in one day, whew..

I was rereading my posts to find my happy place again. It reminded me that I am supposed to be looking for and posting the things I like in a woman.

************************************************
Someone who can handle stressfull situations with out loosing her head. I can't be too big on it though, as I loose my head all too often... I need to work on that before I can ask it of someone else.
************************************************

I also went to the bank on my lunch break. As of 12:50 pm today all of my accounts are $0.00. Except checking. I have like $4. Add that to the $8 in my pockett and I have $12. But its a positive ballance and thats what counts. It also helps that I get paid tomorrow. :)

Later...

I am feeling much better, almost time to head to the theatre and then to sleep..

MY day part 2

I just took my fisrt lunch break in 2 months. I tried to pass the time by reading my book. I couldn't keep reading after a few pages. The main heroin reminded me too much of Michelle. Every word they used to describe her pierced right through me. In this place of memories it is hard to stay aleart. My mind keeps wandering, remembering old times. Good times. It hurts to remember them, they make me want to cry. I am aking for the moment I am off duty so I can race away from this land of misserable joy... or maybe I am trying not to leave out of fear that I will forget. I don't want to forget her, but it hurts so much to remember....

on the edge.

It is one of those days when every moment feels like your going to start crying. I was going to have today off work, owing to veterans day. However, they 'asked' me to cover a shift. Where you might ask. None other then at teleperformance. It brings back memories of the good times with M. It makes me want to cry thinking about it. I can't stand thinking that I will never have another good memorie about her. It stings to think that every good bad or indifferent day with her is over. I can't break down right now. I have been holding off on that for weeks now, but untill I have the time I just can't afford to. I need to get my mind on to something else... oh look the news paper....

TESTING!!!!!! *jumps and screems*

I GOT CALLED BACK! The Federal Reserve Bank called me in for a pleminary testing. On Thursday the 16th at 6PM I go in to pass every test they throw at me with flying colors! I will get an email on Tuesday that will give me the exact address and details on what to bring (eg clothes etc..) and what to be prepared for. There is the chance of a psycological exam, physical exam, and knowledge test. I have my foot in the door and I am going to do everything in my power to get all the way in that door. I am puting the novella on hold as well as any other side prodjects. Starting today I need to get physically and mentaly in shape. I need to brush up on my math and science skills. I already have all the physical preparedness I can do. I will just 'step up' the intensity of my work out, just to be safe. *YAY!!!!!* I can't wait. I am going to go in on Thrsday and give them everything they are looking for! In return I will get excelent pay ($13hr starting) and Federal benifits medical, dental, vision, life, and a retirement! In the end, if you could get the benifets in money, I would essentially be making around $20 hr fresh out of training. There are 'down' sides. I will probably endup with graveyard shifts. I will also probably end up working weekends. Overtime is required, and as the 'new' guy I would be the first up to have to put in the odd hours. The up side to OT is it pays aprox. $19.50hr. I can trade working 2 jobs for that kind of pay. I will still be working long hours but I will be geting mucho dinero for my trouble. After a while I can pay to get some schooling and get a more... desireable shift etc.. In the mean time I was just served with a Subpoena. I will have to miss 'x' number of hours of work, which means I miss out on 'x' amount of pay! *grumbles* I can't even contribute to the case involved. All I have is a month old memorie, and as many know how 'reliable' my memorie is. *GIR* ok i need some good ol chess to get my mind off things...

Day 2..or would it be 3....

So my workout is going good. So far I exersised on mon wen and thur and stretched on wen and thu. I will do my workout & stretch tomorrow and sat. That means that this week I will have missed two stretches and one workout. Speeking of stretching.... I think I should do a mid morning stretch. It has been a while since I ran and I may become a bit sore if I don't stretch again....

Now we'll have to see if I can keep this up for more then a week. The longest I have ever "self modivated" my self to keep a work out rutine is maybe a bit more then a week. So I think if I can mannage a month then it will become habbitual. I can't look at it that way though. I have to look at it as an every day rutine. Like tooth brushing. Its not something that I do for a while and stop. Every day. I need to get it in to my head that this is something for my health and make sure I do it. The one "healthy" life style that will be unpredictable is food. In that it is variable on finances. Food is one of the "low" prioritys on the list. I reason that, if I don't have 'X' then the money for food wont be here later. So if I get 'Y' (cheep trash food eg: cup o noodles) now then I will continue to have food until I can aford real food. So the plan is to get to eating a proper egg or skillett breakfast of somekind, as the biggest meal. Then a nice turky or healthy sandwitch for lunch, and a small Fish dinner. We will see if finances allow it.

My book is going almost on sedual. I didn't mannage the whole 3 pages yesterday so I need to do 4 or 5 today. I also need to make a time line. A friend, who is taking novelest classes, reccomended that I do so. He also recommended that I base my daily work load on the time line * today i will get this portion of the time line written/ or every day I will get this much of the time line written* in place of doing 'x' pages a day. I like that idea. It will give me a feeling of progress and not just rutine. Ok so about that story....

*I hate executives who think they know it all! "yes sir, we moved the room" " I don't recoginse those people" "sir they all said they were with 'X' and you say you are with 'X'. " both the receptionist and myself had to explain it to him before he would believe it. Girrr.*

Re: work out

I found that I had too much to say in responce to this comment so I would just make a post.. :P

I must agree, that it is close to how I feel. I am quite insecure, as we all know. It would also be an understatement to say that I am untrusting. I suppose, given the deffinition, that it would make sense that I would try to do something like that.

The conversation I am going to have is one that I do not want to mess up. so.....

I am uncertian on how to proscede from here. I know there are reasons for my insecurity, and lack of trust in people. However to what extent do I "let go" and allow the situation to progress with out my "meddling"? You can't be uninvolved in an event that involves you. You do to some extent controll what happens. So at what point would one... how to word it... "let go"?

Book

I was going to write 3 pages a day. I did 3 yesterday. and one and a half today. Ill have to make it up tomorrow. I can't write anymore today. my head is punding and i feel weak and sick. I still have some burrow of hope keeping me alive, or at least thats how it feels. I need food. that should fix it. I had noting but bread on monday. yesterday i just had a bit of chineze. I need to have a real meal. *Sigh*

Work out.

So I have been waking up early every morning. The point is to be able to cook breakfast, stretch and work out before work. The apt. is still a mess, so the kitchen is a cramped dungeon of doom. I'm also not quite enough out of the woods, financially, to have the fixings for a real breakfast anyway. I did, however, get my work out done twice this week, and I stretched today. I am supposed to work my upper body and stretch Mon Wen and Fri. Then stretch and a morning run on Tue, Th, and Sat. The first accomplishment is that I am doing the morning workout. The stretch is slowly coming along, then I will add the "off day" stretch and run. The food will come along as the finances straighten out.


In other news I almost got laid last night. I am glad I didn't. The guy who called about buying my Mustang had, bad/ good timing depending on how you look at it. He called back after I was done with the show last night. Just as my potential bed buddy was working out the last few arrangements for our rendezvous. I left in a bit of a hurry and She wasn't due at my place until after she went out for coffee. Well she never called, and if She hints at still begin interested tonight I am going to turn her down. I don't need that in my life and I need to develop a stronger will power. I woke up feeling quite humiliated so we will see how the rest of the week goes. Only another 4 shows and I'm done.


I am also making progress with Anjuli, and Stephanie. Despite Anjuli and JBs predictions that Stephanie would be a less then pleasant task, it is turning out much better then that. So far. We have been communicating over Myspace and so far things look good. We are planing to have a talk on Sunday afternoon. I am hoping She is still the Swordsmen that I remember. If She is then I don't see how the conversation could end badly. I have it all planned out to show her My point of view, without "stepping on her toes". With the added hope that She will help Me see her side. Which of Us speaks first, I hope won't matter. The hardest part is going to be Me keeping my temper/frustrations etc.. under control while She talks. The end result is hopefully that we can work out the problems we have been having.

However there is a part that worries Me. I can't help feeling like I am once again manipulating the situation. I know these are the good ways to work out our problems, but I am scared that I am using what I know about Her to influence the situation. In a way I am manipulating it to My benefit. Although the end result, in My opinion, will benefit both sides; I am doing it for Me. If I didn't feel bad about the situation, then I wouldn't care. At the core my motives are entirely selfish. So I am using what I know about Her to convince Her to talk in the first place. Saying the right things, and, please forgive the terminology, planing to stroke Her ego/pride/self love in order to put her in a more tolerating mood. I don't know how to explain the details very well, but essentially I am planning to manipulate her emotions to achieve My goal. I know that the skills come from JB. She is where I learned them, I have worked on them, but my knowledge is to her credit. I also know that in law enforcement, etc.. such skills are prized. The ability to take control of someones emotions has already helped me defuse potentially violent situations.
However the moral implications are what bring my concern. In My Job it is understood that such methods are a common way to keep volatile situations from ending in violence. In our society such methods are, in a professional environment, morally acceptable. The question that plagues My mind is whether such things are acceptable in a more social level. If, rather in regards to JB 'when', I find that someone has been manipulating a social situation it initially incites me to anger. However there are also times when I find it acceptable and come to understand what the intent was, and so long as the motivation was acceptable, I found that I came to be at peace with the situation. I suppose the thing I must keep in mind is that I must keep my motivation in using such skills to benefit the needs of all those involved. Although my main motivation will always be derived from selfish intent, it must remain that the end result was not self indulgent, but communicably beneficial.

After reviewing what I have written thus far, it brings to light that it was not the act of manipulation that incited my anger, but the presumption that it was for the selfish indulgence of the party doing the manipulation. In the end, I know that the selfish intent is to make the specified self feel better. So long as it can be concluded feeling better is derived from others feeling better then the, selfish intent, although still selfish is in many ways unselfish.


Ex: I feel better when someone I have hurt heals from the pain I have caused.


Although the intent was selfish, the motivation was produced from unselfish desires. In such a situation I believe I would be comfortable and accepting of someone exacting the same scenario, where I am the hurt party, and they the aggressor. If it can be presumed that others would, in fact, also agree with such a scenario, then It can also be presumed that morally it would become acceptable. Although it can not be presumed that all people would be in agreement. However my experience being all I have to go on, in my experience the majority of people; I believe; would find such as being acceptable.

Reading thorough this makes my head spin. I knew there was a reason that all this usually was simply processed in my subconscious. I bring it to my conscious mind in order to better understand how to do what I hope to accomplish.




*T.H.X. sound blares*
The audience is now thoroughly confused.

Moving on..

Ok I am not going to dwell on that today. I just finished reading Zebs story and I must say it was good. It was enough that it took my mind off things. Now I think I want to do more on one of my old novelets that I never finished, I think I will, all my rough drafts are in the car...

Make it sting.....

She fucking can't tell me when were together. When were together she starts making it sound like shes falling "out of love". She never did or could tell me how she felt while we were together, but now now when it stings now she can tell me?!!! WTF!?!?!? Why after all the shit, after making everything sound like she was leaving me and just couldn't say it, after all that bull shit, why would she tell me now that she loved me??!??!?!?!??!

addition to today...

I was rereading my posts and listining to my pages "theme" music. It makes me feel good. I am feeling happy today. It has still been a roller coaster but but I have been happy twice today and that makes a majority. I will try to keep the coaster from going to high or low. I just want a nice gentle ride on this trip called life. I am sure there will be times when I miss having passion in my life but all that has goten me is depressed, so... :) Look at the sky today! It is blue and the sun is sooooo bright! *Big Grinn* :)

A brighter day....

I had my first talk about my child hood. There are two people, non family, that I resolved to talk to about it. Just one more to go. After the first one, I am feeling much better. She and I are still akward, ok I can't speak for her, I am still akward around her, but things seem to be getting better. In the deepest recesses of my heart I secreatly hope to one day become more then friends with her. I don't like to admit it, even to myself. I see how she is and she is still the same person that I remember from 2 years ago. If she ever grows up... well, I will not fill my heart with frivouls hope. I have become content with the idea of taking a new girl out to dinner once and a while, but I think I am going to learn to content myself with not seeking a steady realtionship, of that nature. If one grows or devlops with someone then I will reconsider, but for now I think it is best that I just take a back seat in that department. I may regrett it later, but I am going to let that part of life pass me by. It is not worth dweling, or brooding over. I lke having this person as a friend, and It seems to me that a friend like her is all I need. I have started enjoying the idea of geting my own place and settling down to be a bachelor. If I have friends, good friends, then I think I will be ok. Just a little something to add some "heart" to my life. :)

Sex drive..

Well it would seem I won't need to worry about the sex drive issues. Since I spoke to JB on Sunday I just don't seem to be interested. Maybe it was because of thoughts of my childhood. Not that any sexuall abuse happened. Memories of the verbal and emotional abuse that abounded in that house. Memeories of my participation in them. My Father wasn't the only one who was abusive. All of us got abused. I can olny speak for what I saw growing up but, from what I can tell, all of us gave back; at least some; of what we got. When we gave the abuse back it didn't always go back to the person who gave it to us. Im speaking vaguly, I guess I am trying to avoid thinking about it directly. So I will elaborate. My Father used to physically abuse my sisters, before I was old enough to remember. When My Sisters were old enough they ;and my mother; with the threat of the law and the threat of her leaving him, were able to stop the physical abuse. Thusly saving me, my next older sister, and my younger sisters, from the brunt of the abuse. Only then "dad" put all his abusive energy in to verbal and emotional tactics. I wish I could say the physical abuse stoped there. As children we were always being pumped full of these awfull emotions. As children feelings always translated in to actions. I remember brawls with My Sisters. Most of My memories are of Me hurting them. I know they did as much as I did, but I can't help feeling like I was worse. I also know that it is because of those feelings that I don't remember the abuse I got, near as much as what I gave. I hate thinking about it because it hurts to remember who I was. Out of the house you would never have guessed. I was a perfect student, and a nerd to boot. I was always the one letting other kids hit me. Never fighting back. Other people can use the excuse "he was just a kid". Not me though. I know I wasn't "just a kid". I knew that what I did was wrong. I never hit my sisters, thinking "this is wrong". It was always react to what your feeling now, and just don't think about it later. That mentality came back to me in my last romantic relationship. By that point I had gotten the physical aspects in control, but the emotional sh** is something I never did get control over. I never realised, in words, untill now that that is what I was doing. I would react to how her actions made me feel and then emediatly try to move on. Moving on so fast kept me from regreting what I had said. Its how I learned to survive, strike back and move out of the way. That killed any chance I had at making things work. I don't have to survive that way any more, I have better ways now. She is the first person, since I moved out of my parents house, to bring me back to doing that. I suppose I have been running from feeling so long that when I finaly wanted to feel again all my old, untamed "demons" came back to haunt me. I know my younger Sister and older Sisters have all mutually given forgiveness to each other, and Me. My youngest sister has yet to come to terms with all this, but thats another story all together. I wrote M an apology, but not a very comprehinsive one, because I wrote it before I started thinking about this. I think another apology is in order... Have her back or not, she deserves that much. Don't get me wrong. I know that my reactions were bad, but there were things I was reacting to. I don't know how many of those things were her reactions to me. I can't speculate on them either. All I can do is ask her forgiveness and hope that I never let that part of me hurt someone again. *sigh* Long day ahead of me....

Dream away dream away.....

Sounds like an Enya song to me... then again those words in the title play with music in my head.

So last night, before I went to sleep, I remembered a dream. In the dream I had drempt that I was in an apartment, almost exactly like the one I am in now. Two of my friends lived there and were telling us we should live there so they could get a referal bounus. In the dream I was also really depressed about my now ex girlfriend. Whats more is that I went to sleep, in the dream, in the almost the same place as my room is in real life. Kinda creepy. What is more creepy is that one of our friends, differnt then those in the dream, did refer us. I was also feeling depressed about my ex. before I went to sleep last night. It was like feeling dejavu, only it was dejavu from a dream. My head hurts. I hate preminitions that you don't remember untill after the fact. Don't know what I would have changed had I remembered, but... *sighs in frustration*

Well my car is almost kaput so I think I will be taking JB up on her offer to by her old car. I lost 5lbs again this week. This time it is because my food intake has diminished. I just can't eat sometimes. I feel sick at the thought of food, all the while feeling like I am starving. Its not just sertian types of food either. Any variety makes me ill to think about. *sigh* I don't know whats wrong.. but I am almost tempted to allow myself to loose the weight. My stomach looks flatter then it has in years, it looked even flatter when I lost the 10lbs. I am struggling to fight off the urge to keep eating like this untill I am back to 140lbs... verry tempting....

Halloween

Here is the Pic of what I went as for Halloween....



JIGIL-O07


I went as "O, Jigilo. Jigilo 7". lol I was going to go as Goku from Syuki but the costume wasn't ready so I just threw this on and from there it was all about.. being a dork. lol :)

Im sure I will have a real entry later but for now I am tired hungry and in a fowl mood. so good day to everyone and smile, itll make your butt tickle.