140 Posts, Living Single.
I have started a new chapter in my life.
With it I close this book,
as I have done before.
Now I open a New Journal.
This is a log of my endevor to live the single life, and be happy doing it. I will no longer try to force love in to my life. If love finds me, then I will not turn it away, untill then, may happy days fill my sails with wind.
I have started a new chapter in my life.
He looked at the woman again, and he realised who she was. He knew her name was Darcy, and that she worked over in accounting. He wondered if she had fled here after the first hit.
"Some times you feel like an ass, some times you don't."
".....There is. But we have to use it at the right time or it will be for naught."
A pin prick of light. Imagine. Nothing around it. Just a small pin prick of light. It gets closer. As it closes the distance, it gets bigger. Now it looks big enough that you could hold it in your hand. A small disk. Closer. You can make out vague details, A blur here or there. It seems so close, but when you reach your hand out to touch it, the distance is insurmounably impressed apon you. Slowly it becomes huge. The image before you is hardly a few feet in it's diameter, but it looks so much bigger then that. Closer. You see clouds, Water, and land. Closer. Your view is suddenly full and you can see nothing else; the vast blackness is gone. As you draw near the surface; you are struck with awe at how enourmous it is. Closer. Now you see houses, as if small miniture legos. It gets closer. Now you are standing at the base of one of those legos. The structure in front of you fills your view. You look up and the sky seems so far away. The smallness of yourself consumes you.
This morning reminds of deep winter.
There are days when I want to live alone.
I see a shimmering light, but then again I don't. Thick jungley forest is all around me. I walk down a dirt path. Some times I find a bridge here. Other times there is no bridge. The bridge is always the same. It is a rope bridge. The planks that make the footings are of wether worn oak. Oak they may be, but their energy is that of bamboo. It always crosses over water. How deep the river is is different, depending. Sometimes it is a mear stream. Other times it is a deep canyon. When the depth is great, the view is expancive. When the depth is great, there is a forest and mountians off in the distance. The walls of the canyon can bee seen droping off turning in to cliffs; not too far away but not too close, comfortable. When the depth is light all is jungle. When there is no bridge the path simply leads along without ituruption. As I make my way a structure comes to view. Some times of stone, other times of wood. When of stone it is like asian stone shrines. Smooth stone pillars and a domed top. When of wood it is like a small hut, with no walls but poles in the corners to support the roof. It always has stairs. 1,2,3 sometimes 4 or 5. In the center is a chest. I draws me to it. Allways seeking it. I open the box. Light is shining everywhere. In the midts of the blinding light is a thick old key. A long shaft and a simple design on the end. The but of the key becomes covered by my hand and often is invisable. As I look at the key, everything around turns to white, dimly though. I feel that I am safe, and warm. I am inside somewhere, but still outside. I am in a room that has no walls no celing or floor. I am standing but do not bother to look at what I am standing on. My focus is on the key. It all fades out. Sometimes I find myself asleep afterward. Sometimes I find myself sitting in nature somewhere. I feel relaxed. Refreshed. Alive. Good. I strech and begin.
I met amy in highschool. I can't remember exactly when or where, but my guess is outside the Drama room. She and I have been fairly close. At one point, years ago, we were very close friends. I can't count the number of times I sat in her 'lurkem' crying over this or that. She has been there for me when I needed her, and I have tryed to do the same for her. I know I haven't helped her near as much as she has me. I remember lots of good ol times with her and our other friends.
*opens door* "IT'S SNOWING!" *slams door*
"Can I borrow your bathroom?"
I have spent alot of time trying to remember why I wake up in the morning. For so long I thought I woke up everyday waiting for some romance to walk in to my life. After Josh died I spent some time thinking about him. I thought about what I would say about him. I thought for a while and found myself in tears remembering what he ment to me, and why.
I don't remember the first time I saw Valkyrie. She more or less phazed in to existance at class. With Razor and Thunder commanding my attention, it took me some time to notice other swordsman. The thing that endured me to so many swordsmen was the way they automatically accepeted me. Because of their nature, in mear months I was already everyones little brother. They took care of me in much the same way. Giveing me rides, food, and putting me up for the night. Aleatha especially.
So I get to work and the receptionist isn't here.
I met Zeb for the first time when I was 14. I knew him then as Dark Fury. For a while he was just another swordsman. He has a sence of humor that is hard to miss, or ignore. His kindness and warm heart has always drawn me to him, like few people do.
RM is a department in the state. They are in charge of making up 'safty' rules, enforcing them, and checking for compliance. Today they are checking our building for compliance. Naturaly we were given notice they were coming so we could become 'compliant' before they get here. Lol. The issue today is a catch 22 situation. The doors are supposed to remain closed 24-7 in the event of a fire. Most of the doors are fire rated and will slow the progress of a fire, giving the fire depo more time to put out the fire, and allowing people more time to get out of the building. However having doors open makes geting people out of the building faster. You would be supprised how many people have to have it spelled out to them before they will close their doors.
I had my first on duty assault today. Witnesses reported to me that they had been punching eachother as they traveled around the building. By the time I was alearted they were by the main entrance. When I saw them they were agressivly posturing and yelling. By the time I got outside it was violent again. The man saw me and ran. When I asked the woman if she was ok, she threw her shoes at me and ran after him. It's the first time I have ever been assaulted, while on duty. As we had no names, and only vague discriptions, the police were not called. I do not plan to file charges, on the baisis that to do so would be pointless. If we do find out who they are, and my supervisor recommends it, then I will file charges. I am unharmed. The only reason to press charges would be for the sake of attempting to prevent such violence. This is the first incident I have had since the drugs in November. I hope for another 4 months of quiet.
This is what this song means to me.
I spent a fair amount of time doing notwork work this weekend. Cleaning my room and helping Aleatha with various things were the bulk of the 'work'. I also spent alot of money. :P. In 2 1/2 days I spent almost 100$ on food. Not so bad, had it been groceries. Being it was resturants and novalty/junk food... I should use more restraint. But I enjoyed it. It was a much needed relaxation. Admiditedly I would have liked the whole week off but... :)
I want to make a music video of the edited version of this song. It would probably be classified as porn though..... Ooo ooo ooo I know, I'll make an AMV out of it.
MY TOE!!!!! I kicked the #@$*#&! Guns lock box last night. It took a pice of my toe nail and gouged my toe!!!
After looking at both choices I have decided to look in to piloting for Civilian Freight. It satisfys my desires better then the military and better then passanger transport.
Ok I just added the new music player to the page. The post with the song will now be in 'older posts' somewhere. Lets see if I can get it to 'auto start'. So far the code is giving me trouble and I can't get it to do what I tell it to. :P well see.....
Oh ya. I was sooooo comfy this morning. That feeling where you can feel the snuggly blankets draping over your body; and you just want to go back to sleep. Not because your tired but because your so comfy. mmmmm ya...
I got 10 hours of sleep, had Jamba Juice for breakfast and I have Sushi Spring Rolls for lunch. I have a "morning paper" to read: "The Weekly World News". It is the only 'tabloid' that I will read, lmao. It is a good morning. I got a text message wishing me a happy Valintines Day. It was all I could do to keep from writing back "happy Singles Awareness Day". Later I had trouble not writing "happy 'V'-day". Don't ask it's probably TMI. It has been a good day. I hope it keeps up. :P
You finish dinner and pay your bill. You walk out and head for the parking structure. As you near your car you hear a gun shot. As you turn twords the sound, you get hit."
I haven't slept too well the last few days. After a good nights rest last night I reread some of those posts. WOW. I actually didn't remember writing some of it. Now thats sleep depravation. It was like reading some of it for the first time.
"psst!"
Pizza is the soulution. Ok it was really just having any food. I feel a bit better now... at least I have stoped hyperventalating. My leg is bouncing at super speed though. I need to tell her tonight. I don't know if it will help but I have to try. I can't keep breaking like this... Why does it have to be so complicated? I shouldn't go through all this trouble for a girl who hurt me before... but I have never met someone who makes me feel this way. When She's around I feel safe. Like no matter what happens, it will be ok. I feel loved around her. I love her. I have never met anyone else who has ever made me feel that way. She is worth it. The question is am I to her.......
Now my mucles are akey. And my head is screaming for pain killers. So I had this hope. It was all I had. The last of it. The one thing that kept me waking up. The one think that keeps me going. And now its gone. I am loosing it. Josh is gone, and I just slipped of the end of my rope. I need to meditiate. I need.... I need her to.... no I want her to hold me. I want her to love me. I love her , Am I so arrogent? Why am I so intent that she loves me? I know that she doesnt' but I can't convince myself of that. I was holding on to that, It woke me up in the morning and rocked me to sleep at night, Now shes gone. There's part of my heart she takes with her, its the last part.... I can't do this any moe,......
It is now Monday. I woke up saturday around 10A and I went to bed Sunday around 3a and woke up around 9a. I have yet to go to sleep... I have only eaten a small sandwitch and some junk food, from the wake, since Saturday. I am hungry but I can't eat. I am tired but I can't sleep. On the bright side this means I will be loosing some of the fat that surrounds my middle. :P Its odd. Everything seems to echo in a distant far away kind of way. Everything seems so continued and real, yet hazy and groggy. I expect it will be day 3 or 4 before I sleep again.... Ah insomnia the old familiar feeling... "bring back that lovin feelin, wo ooo that lovein feelin bring back that lovin feelin cause its gone gone gone wo oowo."
I admired Josh from the first time we met. I met him for the first time at Sword class. He was on leave from the Army. He did an endurance match against everyone in the circle. He won against all of us. He then returned to finish his tour of duty.
The sun is up. A cool breze is blowing.... I am lost in the hills. Fresh cold air nips at my face. Soon the air is rushing up at me wipping my face and hair. I can feel the adrinaline rushing through my body, like cool watter coating my stomach. It surges through my veigns and makes me alive. I slow and feel my lungs pumping hard. The sun shines down and I start to sweat. I relish in the feeling and pump the pedals harder. The trail twists and turns and I feel my insides lean to each side, with each new curv. My stomach catches in my throat as a sudden drop sends me speeding down a new hill. I regain my composure and use the new serge to hasten me along the way. Burning mucles, scorched throat and exhasted, I slow and stop under some shade. Cool water sooths my throat and my ears ring in the sudden silence. I can hear everything. The wind blowing, birds chirping. Bugs moving around buzzing, chirping, and creeping. The dirt brushes up in the wind and floats back down the trail. Slight dust and moist air fill my lungs. My eyes are filled with the blueness of the sky. My mind is in awe of the whiteness of the clouds. I take it all in, soaking it up like love from a lover. Refreshed I move on, racing to soak up all that I can. The faster I move the more I see. The more I soak up. There is so much I could never get it all in. I move faster....
100th post.
For those whom havn't noticed, when I am emotinal at work I write here... alot. I feel better 'talking' here. Its the thing that helps the best when I can't get away, and can't be visibily emotional. I am split. I am greaving for all the shit that has piled up on me. Hoever I am more wrapped up in Anjuli then I have been....in 2 1/2 years. I suppose I am falling on the support of the only person I feel safe enough around. Safe enough to break down; that is. I feel soo good when she holds me, and comforts me. I know that is what I have been waiting for, looking for, and wanting in my life. That is what was missing from Michelle. That is what I crave. It is the one thing that I can not do with out in a relationship. It is also the hardest thing to find. I don't know many people who have that quality. In fact, she is the only person who has ever made me feel that way. It has been something that I have always looked for in someone. I found it in her. That is why I was willing to stick through all the shit, all the abuse, and everything else. I think I would die for someone like that. I know I would. I just hate being cheeezzzy like that. I want to keep writing all day. In my head it feels like if I write all day, that I won't want to, or feel the need to call or talk to Anjuli. I feel like I will be ok if I just keep putting my feelings down. It's gettin too hot in here so I think I will go for a walk......
A little dramatic, I know. I spent time with Anjuli again last night. I was planing to wait until Friday to deal with Joshauas death, but then I broke down during the show last night... I sat there with her holding me for over an hour. Then I made certian to crush any hopes I had of 'me and her' ever again. Then we watched Eddie Izzard, my first time ever seeing him for myself. Sometime after 3a I finaly went to bed. I took her home this morning on my way to work. Everything seems to keep piling up. Every time I break down there is one more thing on the list, and I feel too heavy. I feel too weary. I walk through this life and wonder 'if every joy I find, turns to pain, then why is it worth it?'. I have another 4 14h days ahead of me. then I get a reprieve with a 6h day on sat. I don't want to hold on to Anjuli. I am afraid last night won't be the last time I ask of her help this week. Josh is the sraw that breaks this cammels back. This, and then back in September, and then the other part of September, and last Febuary, and August of 05, and Febuary of that year, and my parents the december before that, and August before that, and and and and...
I spend a lot of time thinking about my life. I think about why I feel the way I do. Why my life is the way it is. How I want it to be. How to get it there. I think about the kind of impact I want to make in the lives of those who know me. I spend all this time thinking, and in the end I seem to fail, in most of these, more often then not. I try, I think it through. No matter how hard I try or how solid my thinking seems to be, too often it seems that I miss something; or didn't anticipate something. I keep trying, because the few times that things suceed give me hope. That hope is all that drives me. Every day now, it seems, that hope is my bright spot. The one thing that can keep me smiling. It gets hard to keep my spirits up. It gets very hard, and more often then I'd like to admit. I used to express myself to the world. Let anyone who wanted to look, see anything they tried to see. Wether it was my body, mind or heart, I tried to be an open book. The other day I found myself uncomfortable with being seen. It has been a long time since I felt uncomfortable with being seen. So long that I don't remember the last time I felt it. It wasn't that I didn't like me. It is that it has become almost instinct, or reflex. When you get burned, you pull away from what ever is burning you. It's the same here. I am afraid more and more every day. The longer I stay in this perpetually dragging life, the harder it is to 'stay awake'. I think of ways to be happy. I think of what makes me happy. I must be missing something, because every time I try something that used to make me happy; it back fires. I am holding on to my latest trial. I am afraid to... to what? I don't know how to say it. I am afraid to believe that it will make me happy. I am terrified that it will just blow up in my face, like everything else.
I'm listning
Day: Febuary 2(3?), 2007;
Well I decided not to worry too much about talking to her. I will talk to her about it, the same way I talk to a friend about something. Let her know whats going on with me. Then just be me, and let her be her. If things work out, however they work out, then they do. If not then they don't.
Am I seriously thinking about this!?!?! We talked until 7a last friday night. After a while she lay next to me on the floor. Out of habbit, and shear impulse, I ran my hand down her back; in a soothing way. I froze the moment I realised what I had done. She didn't. She didn't even seem to mind. I found myself thinking about her all week. I want her to know how I feel but I don't think its time yet. I don't know why but it just doesn't feel right to tell her how I feel. How I still feel. I know that I will talk to her agin this weekend. No plans with her yet. I know that if I don't ask to see her, somehow it will happen any way. Its weird. I have 'fallen in love' since her. A few times even. Yet she still seems to blow them all away. Despite everything that has happened. Despite all the pain and horrible things in our past. I still want to heal. I still want to be her friend again. I still want.... one far away day ... to be her lover. I want alot of things. I can't possibly know what is in side her head; if I don't ask. If I do ask how she feels.... I risk alot. I risk hurting her, I have no idea how she will take it. I risk loosing the loose friendship we have rebuilt. I am torn. I want her to be a part of my live in a big way. I also love seeing her happy. It feels different to be around her. There is still the same pain that radiates from her; but it's happier somehow. I don't want to mess with that. I am afraid that being more then a friend to her.... I feel like she isn't ready right now. I don't want to rush it. I am also afraid that if I don't become a bigger part of her life soon, that I will loose her... somehow. I also have a life decidion. I need to know if I should stay in Utah. I have friends I will miss, but nothing that would keep me here, but her. It makes a difference in what I decide for school/ carrieer. I am so mixed up. My head is spinning. I don't know what to do. It's all starting to swirl around and mix up. None of it makes sence in my head. Its like watching a tornado. Now and then you see something you recognise pass the surface of the funnel, But the rest is just a blur. I need to talk to her, slowly, so I can make sence of all this.